The Break Down by Callan Woodhouse - Short - A group of American gangsters pull of a small bank heist, but its what happens next that doesn't go to plan. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Took a quick look Callan, a few thoughts, just my opinion of course.

I think this may be an early script in your writing career? I say this as there are a lot of formatting issues...
1) Characters are always introduced with their names capped the first time they appear in a script, e.g. JASON, not Jason.
2) Numbers in a script are generally spelt, e.g. two, not 2.
3) It's better to write in an active voice, e.g. 'Suddenly 2 other men come bursting into the car' would be better as ' Suddenly, two men burst into the car'. The reason for this is that an active voice is more action oriented and fluid, improving the read of the script.
4) You don't really need the header and footer Continueds, you should be able to turn them off in your software.
5) Scene headings tell us where the action is taking place, so INT/EXT is confusing, are we inside the car or outside it?
6) Watch out for spelling, typos and grammar, there's a few in here which detract from the read. E.g. ill when you mean i'll, there when you mean they're, where when you mean we're etc.
7) You don't really need Cut To: the new scene heading implies the transition.
8) Careful with dialogue, keep it consistent, e.g. 'Well, If a girl talked about her passion for c**k,' this doesn't ring true, I doubt they'd say 'passion' given the general level of vulgarity (which is fine for scumbag criminals)

As to the story, well it's the classic mexican standoff type scenario, it needs some form of twist or difference from what we've seen before.

Anthony

Classless story.Someone with class may be offended. Perhaps, maybe even. I dunno.

Tony

Anthony has pretty much given all there is about format and such so I'll just focus on the story, it sort of reminded me of the ending of The Departed, where everyone got shot up at the end. I'd have to agree with Anthony about the ending though, it needs a little bit more of a punch, I'm just brainstorming here but what about making the woman's death have a bit more to do with the shootout? Maybe she was a relative of one of the guys, maybe her death was actually "a hit" and the bank robbing crew had the intent on a shootout before they showed up at the warehouse, that would be kind of stretching it I suppose

One question....Why does Michael have to call Smithy to tell him what they scored when seconds after hanging up he walks into the warehouse?

Callan,

Most comments would be better off if they died an untimely death.  These can be ignored I'm sure.

This one reminds me of PULP FICTION.  Two low-lifes chat about life while they wait for something to happen.  What these two chat about is not particularly interesting.  Sex and women are merely sex and women, and these two don't bring much to the table.

And the other thugs arrive and the conversation runs into the same problem.  One guy killed someone, or at least shot someone, and the others want the money.

The warehouse scene doesn't make much sense to me.  Yep, everyone has a gun, and they get into an agrument, and then all hell breaks loose.  Lots of action and people die.  

Others have noted the formatting problems, but this one, for me, lacks a good setup for the shootout.  Yep, one guy messed up, but for that he has to die?  Was the rule?  If it was the rule then he should have skipped the warehouse altogether.  While the action works, the setup doesn't.  Had the two guys in the beginning discussed the rules, why someone who messes up has to die, then you have a payoff at the end.  

Best
Richard

Why are they robbing the bank?  What’s their motivation?

How about showing us the robbery rather than telling us?    

Also Characters made of cardboard not developed at all.  

The Ending is lame.  


Not a fan of this one sad to say.  

Quoted from Kb679 Why are they robbing the bank?  What’s their motivation? How about showing us the robbery rather than telling us?     Also Characters made of cardboard not developed at all.   The Ending is lame.   Not a fan of this one sad to say.

Well, you're improving with a semi-constructive line of feedback tucked in there.
And this script is only eight years old as opposed to ten or more.  ;D
Hopefully you'll cotton on even more, maybe even post a script of your own. We'll see...

2015 feels like 8 minutes ago!

Quoted from Andrew 2015 feels like 8 minutes ago!

I agree, Andrew. :)