Get What You Pay For by Bryson G - Short - After breaking his fifty millimeter lens, a photographer looks for his replacement on a bum budget.  - pdf, format 8)

Bryson,

Looking for a punch, no pun intended. The story doesn't grab your attention and the end is flat. Recommend a twist that turns the story on its ear and surprises the audience. Does Venice's show of manliness arouse Darby to the point she dumps Tommy One Shot? It would be one way to payback the rocks trick. Curiousity questions-- does Tommy One Shot's name come from how many hits it takes to drop him? Also, why would he accept a check from Darby when it could bounce?

Just some things to consider. Suggest you review/revise it with a stronger storyline and ending.

Look forward to seeing your revision.

Ian

Took a quick read, comments are just my opinion.

I thought this worked pretty well, pacing was quick and character interaction was good.

But I had two issues, first was why he'd buy anything that way when there's Ebay... it needs some explanation.

Second. as Ian said, is the end... it just sort of peters out... and he takes a cheque, really, after the rocks?

Anthony

Thanks for the reads. I've had writers block for forever. I wanted to write something I could shoot, as opposed to something less practical. For the ending, it is kind of quick and flat, I agree with you Iancou.

AnthonyCawood

Thanks for the read. I like that you mention ebay, one thing I avoid (and maybe this is kind of weird) is known brands. I like to keep it mainly fantasy by making up brands, to drop clues this isn't the same reality we live in.

I'll definitely take the advice into the next one. Very much appreciated.

Hey, Bryson:

Style and format all solid enough. However, I really didn't like the story. The log line could read - a man buys something on-line and gets ripped off (AKA - something that happens a million times a day). The story would be the same if our hero was buying a camera, a computer, perfume, a phone, etc. and our villain instead gave him a bag of rocks, pearls, glass, etc. i.e., nothing had any meaning.

I saw in another post response that you were battling through a bout of writers block. I know from personal experience that the block is a tough one to get around. But if you want to develop a story here, start with a "what if." e.g.,

What if a photographer buys a cheap replacement camera on-line and.....

If you complete that sentence with - "gets ripped off" then the intrigue of the story goes ker-plunk.

Some possibilities.

He thinks he gets a cheap camera - but discovers that the camera has some special power (e.g., it shoots people's futures, when zoomed, it sees disease, or it sees peoples pasts, or - when it takes someone's picture it changes their personality or emotion - e.g., click - a crying girl starts laughing. Long winded way of saying - make what he got from his on-line buy interesting.

If you are not going to make what he got online interesting - then you must make his pursuit of his refund along with the rocks interesting. Right now you have he finds the guy with his gal - gal writes him a check. Maybe instead he kills the guy by hitting him on the head with the bag of rocks (irony - guess he got something of value after all) - or - he knows the gal because???

Anyway - way too long winded on my part - I just think if you really want to get through the writing block problem - you must get through the story part of it. Best of luck.



    

Bryson,

Some comments are like a pig in a poke.  Caveat emptor.

The protag seems to be both lucky and unlucky, smart and stupid.  He needs a lens, so he finds one for a price too good to be true...and it is.  Then, he miraculously remembers a wrist band that leads him to the club where his nemesis just happens to be.  Wait, this guy goes there every night?  We have a confrontation, and the protag one punches the guy.  So, the tearful GF writs a check for the money?

This one doesn't seem to reflect reality.  The guy is buying something in an alley, and he doesn't check the goods before he pays?  Cmon.  He tries to complain and gets the blow off?  And when he goes to confront the dude, our protag doesn't take a weapon, not even a bag of rocks?  

I think this one could use more setup and payoff and lots more problems for the protag.  No, Tommy doesn't go to the club very often, no he's not going to step into a haymaker and hit the mat.  No, the babe isn't going to write out a check on the spot.   Don't make it easy for the hero.

Best
Richard