Win-Lose by Matias Caruso (Mr. Z) - Short, Noir, Thriller - Noir/Thriller about a boxer who's jilted on the eve of his big fight making his night unravel with various twists and turns. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Mr. Z

How the hell are you, sir?

Nice little GEM you have here.  I read it twice.  I thought it was brilliant.  Great use of the voiceover, they served you well here.  Packed a powerful punch.  No pun intended.   To be honest, people are going to be hard pressed to find anything wrong with this piece.

And it's good to see you're still around.

Ghostie

BOOM!

That's how it's done!

Mr. Z was kind enough to let me and Dena have a go at producing this. The only reason we had to decline was that we didn't think we could pull off the fight choreography.

Awesome! 8)

Loved this. Done brilliantly.

Thanks peeps, glad you dug it. And also glad some still remember me (hey ghost!). Gonna start writing more shorts and hanging out here a bit more if time allows.  8)

Nice! I dig it. :)

My only opinions are this:

A referee wouldn't slap the mat to count out a downed boxer, and the count is ten, not three.

and..

The WE ARE AT: part. Everyone out here says writers should stay away from saying "we see" or "we are at" I don't know if that's correct or not, but I see it a lot out here.

Written well. A lot of quick flash cuts when I visualize this. If you were filming this would you slow it down and hold the scenes or just move along at the V. O. Pacing?

Gj

Tony

Quoted from RichardD A referee wouldn't slap the mat to count out a downed boxer, and the count is ten, not three.

Oh good to know, thank you, I'll have this in mind for the next draft.

Quoted from RichardD The WE ARE AT: part. Everyone out here says writers should stay away from saying "we see" or "we are at" I don't know if that's correct or not, but I see it a lot out here

Yes, I know what you mean; I've seen that a lot too. There's pretty much two schools of thoughts about it. Thanks for the read, let me know if/when you got a short posted so I can return the favor.

Quoted from TonyDionisio Written well. A lot of quick flash cuts when I visualize this. If you were filming this would you slow it down and hold the scenes or just move along at the V. O. Pacing?

I've no idea since I don't have much experience in directing. I pretty much wanted the reader to feel ran over by a train, haha, but you bring a good point; a director might slow things down a bit.

Thanks for the read, let me know if you got any shorts posted so I can return the favor.  8)

Hey Mr Z, I enjoyed that. It was well written, great use of visuals combined with a powerful VO. The different timelines could have been very confusing but they were not, I understood , in the most part, exactly what was going on and when. The only slight puzzle in the timeline of events was at what point is Wade pounding on Justine's door and when/why does he give up? I would think a guy like him wouldn't take no or a closed door for an answer.

As has already been mentioned, a knock-out count is ten but that's easily fixed in the script, just change the three count to 8,9,10 and the audience will presume the rest has been counted.

That was awesome though, well done!

- Mark

More hack work from a hack typist who fancies himself a writer.

Sigh.

One must always preface reviews of Z's work with insulting hyperbole, you see, lest his already bulbous head grow larger still.

It's great, of course.

Writers with questions about bending the rules short of breaking them are well-advised to check out Z's work.  Yeah, his stuff is not always textbook, but it is always so damn smooth.  The man knows what he is doing and why he is doing it.

Richard's points about slapping the mat -- and the 3-count -- also occurred to me.  But here I think maybe you've got enough dramatic liberty to get away with it as it is so central to the imagery.  I mean, he is right, of course, but fixing it also injures the story.  I think you can let it ride.

Consider ending this with a lingering BEEP -- or perhaps a dial tone -- as she hangs up.  A simple CLICK seems understated.  Or maybe not.  Just a thought.

Easy to visualize, fast paced... very well wrote

Great job

I too liked this.  Sure there are a few liberties taken, but it read good the way it is.  I like boxing and believe you should change the referee to saying eight, nine, ten - as suggested above.  If it's about boxing, get it right.  Again, an easy fix.

Also, if I'm nitpicking, I would remove her saying, "... like the way I used to love you."  To me, it's not necessary and even better without that.

That's it.  Liked it a lot and think this could be filmed easy.  Even with the boxing stuff, there really isn't much to choreograph.  Not much boxing really, just the end of the fight.  I would watch it.

Good job and good luck!

Hey mr.z

Don't know if you remember me but I rember u lol.

Nice work as always. No complaints from my end. Can't wait to see the filmed version. I already know this is going to be filmed lol.

Gabe

Quoted Text As has already been mentioned, a knock-out count is ten but that's easily fixed in the script, just change the three count to 8,9,10 and the audience will presume the rest has been counted.

Yep, that seems like like it could be a good fix. Thanks for the suggestion and for the read, Mark.  :)

Quoted Text One must always preface reviews of Z's work with insulting hyperbole, you see, lest his already bulbous head grow larger still.

Ah... my frenemy... we meet again...  :)

Quoted Text Consider ending this with a lingering BEEP -- or perhaps a dial tone -- as she hangs up.  A simple CLICK seems understated.

Good point. I'll steal that and tell no one you came up with it.  ;D Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted Text Easy to visualize, fast paced... very well wrote

Glad you liked it, thanks for letting me know!

Quoted Text I like boxing and believe you should change the referee to saying eight, nine, ten - as suggested above.

Yeah, that seems to be pretty much the consensus. Thanks for the read and the feedback. I appreciate it.

Quoted Text Don't know if you remember me but I rember u lol.

Ha! Of course I remember you! Thanks for reading, man. Glad you dug it.  :)

Matias

Very nicely constructed piece, the intertwining imagery worked superbly. It’s clear a lot of thought went into the design, each visual and sound effect carefully chosen to correlate and counterpoint. The end result is almost like a dual montage sparring (pardon the choice of term) with one another and purely cinematic in its expression.

That Justine chick is not half full of herself though is she? Really considers herself to be a catch and a half! Although, if your description is anything to go by, she can back up that vanity, embodying that inscrutable, ice cool beauty whose been the ruination of many a film’s male protagonists. She’s perhaps a bit of a stereotype but it totally fits within the world and tone of the script.

“Revealing her sexy back.”

-     Is it possible to have a “sexy back”? Maybe if it has a tattoo or something but a back is a back, right ;)

“THUD! - her back bounces against the plywood.”

-     Have you got a back fetish going on here or something? :P

The twist of Marcel being her suitor as opposed to the victorious Wade was a nice touch that I didn’t see coming until you wanted us too. It effectively served to flip our preconceptions and assumptions on their head and discover who the supposed real “winner” is here. The continuation of the parallel win/lose motif in the post fight scenes was well handled, some clever mirroring going on there too.

If anything, it’s heartening to see a woman as alluring and bewitching as Justine to fall for the loser (in the conventional sense) Gives the rest of us nearly never men something to cling on to…and that’s what I’m choosing to primarily take away from this ;)

Col.

Metaphors abound. I liked it. Nice work.

Thanks for reading, col! You totally got what I was aiming for. And I like the tattoo on her back suggestion, haha. I'm stealing that.  :)

Thanks, Dustin. Glad you dug it!

Oh how exciting, a new Mr Z script.

I consider the Doll Maker to be one of the best, if not the best, short I have ever read. No pressure then  :K)

Ok, let's have a look.

And then it's over....

I rememeber a chris messiano comment that your scripts feel like movies. You move with a smooth pace that consumes the reader. This continues this trend. Sound work.

Alas, I alway haven something to say. Sorry, that's me  ::)

Small point first -  the final click. I didn't know what this was. I was thinking it was gun at first, after all Wade was angry in the corridor and I didn't know where that was leading. In fact it fel unresolved. But I get it now, it's the phone. Perhaps this could be clearer?

Since you lingered on the loser, before we met the winner, I guessed quite quickly who the suitor was. So from that point I could see the ending and was expecting a twist, it didn't happen.

Could he have been the brother ? Best friend? Business start re? Owner of the gym? Whatever. A final twist of the knife etc. Something just to be more than 'I'm shagging someone else'.

Sound work, but with an extra sprinkle could be even more.

Cheers

Bill

Hello Mr Z

What a short and sweet little script. I really liked that I couldn't pinpoint exactly when the twist happened, but that you somehow managed to make it dawn slowly. Well done.

I like the whole femme fatale angle, but my one critisism would be that she calls herself "the real prize". It's a very personal opinion, but to me, any woman who calls herself "a real prize" isn't really a prize at all. A way to work around it could be to have her say instead: That's why you'll win the money. - But you'll lose me.

=)

And where can I find this Doll Maker script of yours?

Apropos Tiger's comment re a 'twist' I mentioned on another thread that I find it tiring these days that everybody expects a twist with 'shorts' in particular - no offence meant btw, Tiger.

Perhaps you did intend a twist, Matias, in that we don't exactly know which of the two fighters in the ring is the 'loser' she's talking to - however it wasn't a surprise to me at all the direction the narrative took. And, I'm not sure it even qualifies as a twist - not that it needs one imh. I have no quibbles at all with this tale... well actually I have a couple of observations with the wording, (I'm a writer, after all  ;D) but they're only nitpicks and they obviously will not show on screen:

Cigar-chomping GAMBLERS standing outside the ring shout
CURSES at Marcel amid a cloud of nicotine smoke.

'nicotine smoke' - I think of nicotine stains so that jarred a little. I'd leave it as 'a thick cloud of smoke' or dense haze.

And, A bright spotlight pierces the darkness

Aren't 'spotlights' by definition bright?

Btw Col, yes, 'backs' (especially women's) can be very sexy. Ah, you winked when you said it.

Is Justine full of herself - conceited, because she regards herself as the ultimate 'prize'? Damn right she is and she's meant to be. She's the epitome of every Hollywood film-noir siren - glamour mixed with danger.

Anyway, I love the choreography of the story Matias - the way you inter-weaved all the parallel images and elements of the plot - the thuds with the knocking on the door, Justine being pushed against the wall, the unzipping of the purse and the literal unzipping - the element of the 'prize' - flesh and blood v cold hard cash. Terrific stuff, sparkling visuals. I thoroughly enjoyed the story and wouldn't suggest you change any of it.  

I hope some capable and brave filmmaker makes a decent 'fist' of it.  ;D

Hey Matias,

Pretty good script this.  Short, sweet and with a twist thrown in too.  The switching from thuds to thuds was pretty cool and it flowed well.

Overall, a great piece.

Bill: Thanks for reading, man. Glad you enjoyed it (and Dollmaker!) Good point about the final click, it’s been brought up before. I think I’m going with Bert’s suggestions of adding a dial tone after the click to make it easier to link the sound with the phone.

Tiger: Glad you liked it, thanks for letting me know. Yeah, she kind of thinks to highly of herself. Had to push that angle because the plot demanded it (never a good sign, ha). I like your dialogue suggestion; pretty cool. You can read Dollmaker here: https://simplyscriptsreviews.wordpress.com/2014/06/03/the-dollmaker-short-script-review-available-for-production/

LC: Thanks for the read, I appreciate it. Yeah, I kinda sorta intended to put a twist in there, like, you think that the guy who lost the fight also lost the girl, but then it turns out that the winner was the one who was jilted. But cool you still enjoyed even if you saw that turn coming. I like your “cloud of smoke” suggestion; thanks.

Alffy: Thanks, man. Glad you liked it!

Matias,

Been on the site here for over a year now and I have read many scripts. That, sir, is a very good one. Aside from the previously mentioned points, I have found nothing else of substance to add. Felicitaciones y buen trabajo!

Ian

Fine work, as expected. This script reads like poetry in motion. It has it's own rhythm. My only gripe was that I never felt for any of the three characters. Didn't really get to cheer for anyone or get the satisfaction when they won or lost.

Would make a beautiful short if filmed proper, though. You laid the groundwork with perfection. Nice to read a new short from you.

Cheers,

James

Iancou: Muchas gracias!  :)

James: Glad you liked it. And good point, yeah, the vertiginous pacing didn't leave much room for character development. Not that it can't be done but I feel I don't have the skill yet. Still, something to aim for in the rewrite and future projects. Checked your series by the way. Very pro. Congrats, man.

After months (ahem maybe a year) waiting for the local government to approve financing, this short film is currently in pre-production!

Thank you Matias for letting us bring this cool story to life!