Couple of errors on page 7, small though. Erickson has a space in it and Linda's comment "Who’s the hottieat three o’clock?" needs a space in it.
Quoted Text Linda nods. Waves goodbye and starts to leave |
Just say she leaves, nothing happens that makes her stop so there no point in saying she starts.
Quoted Text He bats his eye at her and squints like a pirate |
This line read kind of funny to me, is he giving her a wink? squinting like a pirate is the thing I don't understand
Dolores's mother should be called the same name you've introduced her with.
Page 21 - Dominic's dialogue has a bit of action in it.
Quoted Text then slowly unbuttons the buttons on the
front of her dress |
...then slowly unbuttons the front of her dress.
Quoted Text I’m gonnaneed an ambulance |
There are a few errors like this throughout what I've read so far.
Found it a bit odd for Natalie to show up at the BBQ and leave moments later, why not just have Lawrence and Dolores talks about her? In fact I think you can cut this scene entirely, doesn't add anything to the story IMO.
Quoted Text not as your teacher. I sort of dreamed that I was your boyfriend and we made love |
This is a very odd thing for him to say, too forward I think too.
So far from what I've read this is an okay story, it gripped me enough to continue reading but only just, Lawrence's emotions seem to be all over the place too, seems to randomly freak-out at things.
I'll read the rest when I can