Hi there,
No one has read this yet, so, I am gonna get it started. I will write stuff down as I see it.
1. I'd stay way from giving camera directions. That's the job of the director and Cameraman. If you want specific shots, call for a montage or be inventive with POV (point of view shots). If you want to read more, check out the 10 commandments of screenplay writing. Here is a link to a random page:
http://www.whatascript.com/screenplay-format-05.htmlAlso, you need to use real screenwriting software. There are issues, especially with the dialog margins.
2. Tie up your sentence structure. For ex. He
struggles to pull his bike in. After making his entrance he
begins to walk through to the front.
You can tighten that up. If I was doing it, I'd write: Alex struggles pulling his pick through the front door, but, after a few failures, he proceeds to make his entrance to the front of the store.
3. Again, a lot of the writing needs to be tighter, more direct.
4. I know it's early, but, why is the boss keeping Alex if he's that bad? I think we need to know.
5. So, you have him leave, but, we don't see him interact with Jill? Odd..
6. Gotta tell you his workout routine isn't necessary. You gotta be efficient with your choices. Remember, if a director or producer, or person with cash isn't excited in your story, they won't read it all the way through. So far, I'm very bored.
7. So, on page 6 now, and he walks in late and drinks in front of the waitress, after getting a warning, sorry, but, I don't buy anything so far.
8. Umm, page 14 you incorrectly say FLASH FORWARD. That is not correct. On the left side of the page you write something like BACK TO PRESENT or something else to show the flashback ends.
9. I didn't write a lot more issues.
Sorry dude, but I didn't like the story, at all. Alex didn't learn anything. I don't buy that Jill would forgive him b/c he shows up. I don't buy any of it. No one likes him.
I think you could have a cute story, but, it needs a lot of work. It needs to be tied together better, I need to know why he isn't fired, he should be, I need to know why Jill loves such a jerk, and he needs to show that he's changed. I think you were going for your version of the Christmas Carol, but, you need to see him grow. And why don't you rename Bev and call her Jill? It would make more sense that way.
Good luck
Dan