One Of Me by Kenneth M. Kielty - Horror - Super macho firefighter stiffs a street hooker after using her services. She bites him and three weeks later he morphs into a woman and a werewhore. 85 pages - pdf, format 8)

I'm sorry, I can't resist - a new term - 'werewhore' , so if I were an actor I'd be an 'actwhore'? - no that's wrong, I'd be a werethespian? No, I give up.  ;D

I read the first few pages up until he was bitten. Not my thing, sorry.

I looked at this and by page two you already had the main character groping a teenage girl!  That says to me, along with the werewhore thing, that you're not really going for big budget and A-list stars.  So I somehow managed to get to page 30, and when you "reveal" how the werewhores came about, I laughed out loud.  I don't think this is a comedy, so I'm assuming that it's just not my cup of tea.  And I'm a guy.

Your dialogue is okay, but most of your characters never use any contractions.  Most people do when they speak.  You need to fix this.  Read it out loud, that might help you.

Some of it is written okay in places and can tell this isn't just your first draft.  I suggest, though, going through it again and get rid of all the "is" sentences or rewriting those.  Make sure you write what is being seen on the screen.

Also, you had Jamie and the other werewhore in the car and you had them "go somewhere where they can talk."  Alone in a car isn't a good place to talk??

Again, sorry it's not for me but fix some of the things I mentioned and good luck with it.

Hi Kenneth,

I don't know if you're around these parts, so I'll keep this brief.

I read your script because I liked your idea. I was surprised this wasn't in the comedy section to be honest, but then I noticed as I was reading through your script you focused more on the horror than the comedy. To be honest, I don't think you should have done that. Look at your concept. Nobody is going to see a movie like this expecting such straight-laced horror. They're going to want to laugh.

I also think it is a huge mistake not to call the script "Werewhore".

The writing is pretty good throughout, though you tend to rely on passive voice too often. I also noticed the script really nosedived with grammatical errors after the 60-page mark.

Overall, though, what you have is solid. I read the script in one sitting, which is a good thing, and I generally liked the way you write your characters.

Chris

Hey, Kenneth

After reading about 25 pages, here are my thoughts. A few positives, I saw. The main character had a personal flaw, which is a big plus in my book as far as the tools for a decent script. He gets drunk, groups an underage girl, and visits a hooker, oh, and he has a girlfriend home waiting. In fact, his issues leads into the theme or what I feel is a possible theme, not sure if it’s what you were going for. He’s a misogynist who gets bit and becomes a woman (or the worse part of a woman; werewhore). I’m interested in to see what you have to say on this. Was this theme planned? Either way I think there’s some material to work with there.

Continuing, I felt the pacing and/or scene weave hasn’t hit final draft sequence. I would think the transformation would have been a slower process. Each transformation seems to be right after the other. The doctor reveals the female transition too soon. We should see and feel the horror of the unknown. But, there’s little unknown here. Also, he seems pretty OK with wants going on.

Example: when the cop pulls, Jimmie over, could have dragged just to add suspense. Good scene. Also, how cops and firefighter, two of the most male occupations (ala military, construction), treat women (actual horror).

A lot of possibilities here. I would just keep working, draft, after draft, after draft.

BLB