Dead Man's Watch by Ben - Short, Comedy, Horror - A supermarket bagger's misfortunes change when he happens upon a wish-granting wrist watch. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Well this was different. I like your unconventional character descriptions and unique style of writing. Quite refreshing to read something written out of the box, but still easy to follow.

I recommend the watch not be all scratched but be sparkly and brand new looking otherwise I fail to see the magnetic attraction to it, especially with the last guy.

Denouement was a bit of bummer - excuse the pun. :)
I would have liked to see your main guy triumph against adversity and geekiness.

Thanks! LC for the notes :)  Appreciate it.

**Frank wants the watch because he's under its spell.  It's an evil watch, of sorts,  bringing good fortune to those who wear it, but once you take it off -- lucky watch gets ugly.  So the story ends on the watch's next victim,  Frank, when he slaps the watch on and then suddenly spots the winning lotto ticket.

I agree with what Libby said except for the good winning at the end.  I get the "rules" of the watch.  Good luck to all, until they take it off.

Libby, sometimes, the good guy dies (you know what I mean) :)

I thought it was a nice little story, cute ending.  

How did Frank gain entry?  Most maintenance guys don't have keys unless the manager gives it to them.  Perhaps have him call down first for a faulty light bulb or something.

And you should have the rat eat part of him or something.

And how did the watch get there?  I'd expect it to be next to a skeleton (to show past ownership)...

Good job
Dan

great suggestion about the rat!  Thanks for checking it out :) And for the feedback

Ben

If these comments sound lucky, own them. Otherwise, read with care.

I am no fan of toilet scenes.  I know it's part of being human, but it seems unnecessary.  He's having a bad day. We get that. I don't know what a metal raindrop is.  He crashes which would seem to be a bad break until he finds the watch.  So, the crash is really lucky which is not what it's supposed to be?  Here is where you lose me. Who would give up the lucky watch?  I would buy someone giving him the watch because in truth it's not lucky at all, but it shouldn't just show up.

And the watch changes everything. Money women luck, he gets it all, until he takes the watch off. Then more bad luck. It mostly works.  It's a clever premise.  Work out a better way to acquire the watch and you have a nice tale.

Best
Richard

thanks for the feedback, RichardR.  I'll see what I can come up with in the form of how he acquires the watch, but the metal raindrop is the watch.  The watcc is what pelts him in the face (ie metal raindrop)

This wasn't bad. The beginning, or the taking a dump scene, seemed a little ridiculous for my taste but that's just me.

Highlights

- Style of the writing
- Dialogue was good
- Story (Set in the real world with fantastical elements)
- Very visual

Lows

- Beginning scene
- Main character is referred to as "Mr. Poopy-Shirt..."
- The watch kind of just appeared. Plus it's "relic-like". Maybe right place right time, but I'm sure this would of been swiped before he had his crash.

Overall

Quirky, deep vocab in your action, and is very visual. Certain choices come off as juvenile, which would be okay if you didn't have a good vocab. Def good. Keep it up.

I really appreciate the notes 13thChamber!  I'm honestly bummed out about the consensus on the opening scene.  Most likely will cut it.  Anyway, thanks again for the read :)

So there I was, coffee in hand, English Muffin ready to eat, short open to read...

and then it was about shit!

Now I can't get the visual out of my head :)


Thank you,

Tony.

Quoted from TonyDionisio So there I was, coffee in hand, English Muffin ready to eat, short open to read... and then it was about shit! Now I can't get the visual out of my head :) Thank you.

;D Yeah, Ben is really 'bummed' that bit's not going down so well. I let it slide (absolutely no pun intended) cause the rest of the writing was good but I gotta say I'm with the others, it really serves no purpose and should go.

Quoted from LC ;D Yeah, Ben is really 'bummed' that bit's not going down so well. I let it slide (absolutely no pun intended) cause the rest of the writing was good but I gotta say I'm with the others, it really serves no purpose and should go.

I agree with Libby.  It really doesn't serve a purpose.  The shit scene does nothing.  Have a display do  a domino effect when it falls, casting the story thousands.  That works a lot better.

Or the store could have put in new floors, and no spills can happen, and the guy can be bringing out milk in front of the boss.  So, he tries to show off by carrying one more then he normally takes, and he loses control of the milk trays and they all spill onto the floor, destroying the seal.

That totally didn't happen to me.
sob, yes, yes it did.  But, the boss forgave me, and removed me from the dairy aisles and moved me to cashier...

still sobbing.  Where is the alcohol?  

Dan

This was a bit hit and miss for me.

I get you're trying to show Timmy as a hard worker that just gets the bum deal all the time and how the watch changed his luck but one thing that stuck with me was how/why he got the watch.  I'm guessing someone tossed it away but why, if it brings luck?  Does it indeed bring both good and bad luck?

The opening scene don't really fit with the rest, yes it's funny but if you cut it, it would make no difference to the story.

Pretty cool writing style.  It's good that we all don't write the same way; makes things more interesting lol.

Loved the ceiling fan scene though :)

Thanks for the feedback, Alffy and DanC.  Gotta feeling I will 86 the opening.  I wasn't aiming for it to come across as slap-sticky or low brow as it seems to be, but more of a shitty-luck thing in an effort to solicit pity but still get a chuckle.

Quoted from bjamin Thanks for the feedback, Alffy and DanC.  Gotta feeling I will 86 the opening.  I wasn't aiming for it to come across as slap-sticky or low brow as it seems to be, but more of a shitty-luck thing in an effort to solicit pity but still get a chuckle.

I think that's a great idea.  It adds nothing to the story.

I hope you also make how he finds the watch a bit more interesting.  Let him fall into a ravine or something, and find it next to a dead body.  After all, the watch had to come from somewhere.

Either that or have him find a cave or a shrine or something out of the way.

Also, I'd have more stuff happen to him when he takes off the watch.  Show the watch for the cursed item it is.

Good luck, hope you expand it and make it all that it can be.

Dan