Victim by Bryson G - Short, Horror - With her husband working late, one woman invites the other guy over. When he arrives, sex is the last thing on his mind.   7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi there,
    I'm reading your screenplay right now.

I'm a bit confused with all the text lingo.  You might want to explain them.  Top of page 2, I don't know what Sarah:OMW means.

I'm a big confused about who is dying in what apt, you talk about a guy with his throat slit...

I'd refrain from Ollie smiles, I mean legit smiles.  I'd refrain from all "I mean, I say, I anything" and go with she smiles from ear to ear, or her happiness can't be contained or something else.  

I am surprised that her hubby answered so quickly.  

I am not sure you should have such a negative connotation about the phone.  It seems to me that you can't SHOW that in any way, so, I'd cut that.

You use shit in ways that can't be shown.  You have to SHOW us what she's knocking over.

Wait, I thought that her phone was cracked, now, he pulls it from her bra???

Eh,  the deaths were a bit hard to follow.  Especially the lover's death.  It was so obvious that the husband was gonna have some role in it.  It would have been much more interesting if they had been targets of a random break-in.  

The writing was kinda flat.  The dialog was flat.  You have a fun idea for a story, but, you need to dive in and show us a story, not tell us.

Good luck
Dan

Thanks for the feedback DanC. I'll def be going back into this one to trim the fat off of it. Thanks for taking the time to read it.