Closing the Distance by David Archibald - Short, Drama - A young woman struggles to deal with life after a terrible car crash kills her family. 21 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey David
    I'm reading your screenplay right now.  I will make notes as I see them.  If I spot a common error, I will only list it once.  

Here goes:

1.  Top of page you, you say Alexa eyes, shouldn't it be Alexa's eyes?

2.  Page 16, you have her mom say "I love you too Alexa, I think there should be a comma between too, Alexa.

3.  That was good.  It was sad, but, yet, happy.  It was a good fast read.

I'd tighten up some of the descriptions.  Remember, it's a screenplay, not a novel.  Otherwise, this was really good.  I can easily see this getting made.

Good job.  I'd gladly read it again if you do a rewrite.

Dan

David,

I liked the story. It was moving in both the characters and in the storyline itself. There are a few points that were unclear. For example, if Thomas was orphaned, was he staying with a foster family? Also, why would Alexa need financial help if she was the only surviving family member and stood to inherit everything and any life insurance payout? If not, that can be mentioned to make her more sympathetic. You did a very good job at showing her journey to becoming less selfish and self-absorbed to the point she naturally and unthinkingly makes the ultimate sacrifice for a loved one. The only two other points I would add are that at times the dialogue seems stilted and stiff. The other part is the dream sequence did not really feel like a dream sequence, but her family reaching out beyond the grave to forgive her and give her closure or in preparation for her own impending death. If it is more than a mere dream, then some subtle hints can make the reader wonder.

Anyway, I enjoyed the read. Hope you continue to polish it and repost.

Ian

David,

Treat comments like orphans.  If they're ugly, ignore them.

We start in the courtroom, and frankly, I don't know why she's there.  She's an adult.  If she's destitute, she goes for assistance, and that doesn't generally involve a court.  If she got any money from iinsurance, then she doesn't need assistance.  At this point, it looks like she has no extended family--aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. She's on her own.  Fine.  The social worker would do better for me if she was in her office looking over Alexa's application.

And Alexa comes home and is overcome with grief.  Here is where I preach a little.  Generally, I try to keep my characters from crying.  In some form, if the character cries, the audience doesn't need to.  That probably sounds crazy, but the idea of a story is to get a rise from the audience, not the character.  It's not that the character can't show strong emotion, she can, but strong emotion by itself may not drive the audience.  If Alexa simply takes the teddy bear and hugs it or kisses it or sets it on the pillow, the audience understands without the tears.  

A dream sequence, the reason for her guilt.  I'll buy it, but it's a bit cliche.  Accident kills everyone but her, and she's guilt ridden.  

The park, the swing, and Thomas who at 8 comes right up and talks to a stranger.  And goes for a hot chocolate with her.  In a way, I was hoping Thomas was a figment of her guilty imagination.  But he's real.  Works OK for me.

A phone message from Rachel.  Needed?  

Another dream.  Needed?  We already know she's the lone survivor, and she feels guilty.  Can you pile on the guilt without a dream?

She goes back to save Thomas in the park, and they go to the cemetery.  Good work.  

Back home we get a conversation with Rachel that does't seem to add a lot but it serves the purpose of showing Alexa getting better.  This time she answered the phone.  I'm with you.

And a good dream.  OK

And the fatal day.  Thomas comes along.  They have a good time, and Alexa saves Tommy even as a couple watches.  too convenient?  

Do you need Rachel in the final scene?  Do you need Thomas's new parents?  Wouldn't the scene be just as powerful with Thomas by himself explaining to Alexa about  his new parents?  And the picture frame is terrific.  Just Thomas and the picture.  

Overall,  nice job.  The dialogue can use some jazzing up.  You might examine every scene and see how much is needed.  

Best
Richard