Space: 2099 by Kevin - Series - The commander of Moonbase Alpha must stop a terrorist from taking control of a nuclear refinery. 103 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi, Everyone!

Just wanted to say "hello" since I'm new here.  This is my first completed screenplay.  I got the idea by stumbling upon a website devoted to bringing Space: 1999 in a re-imagined format.  This script is intended to be a two-part pilot episode, similar to the Battlestar Galactica mini-series.  I have also written two episodes that take place immediately after the pilot, but I haven't posted them yet.

I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to read it.  I'm sure that there are some mistakes in formatting that I have missed and I'm pretty sure I messed up the logline as well.

I have already read several screenplays and have left a few posts.  I would gladly read anyone's script in exchange for reading mine...just let me know.

Hi Kevin,

I read the first few pages of your pilot and here are my thoughts:

The first thing I noticed was no age with the characters, you must have an age.

The story is exciting but the way it is written is not. I felt there was overuse of the same words and boring descriptions. It needs more impact on the descriptions. For example -

"Several large vehicles are burrowing inside a large tunnel"

Describe the large vehicle, it is only later you start calling it a digger, I would suggest calling it a digger or something straight away.

"Standing several yards behind one of the burrowing vehicles are two men, SMITTY and CHARLIE.  Both are wearing spacesuits and holding portable monitoring devices displaying various readouts.

Theres that word 'several' again. Use another word. Plus this sentence could get to the point quicker. So -

Two men in spacesuits, SMITTY, age, and CHARLIE, age, follow the digger, they monitor the tunnel ahead with their portage devices.

Something like that.

Anyway I hope this helps? This has potential it just needs that extra impact to make it stand out. The story is not boring but the way it is told is.

Good luck with this.

Lee
http://www.anotherdimensionproductions.com

Hi Lee,

Thanks for the constructive feedback.

I did include ages for all of the speaking characters, but somehow I missed SMITTY and CHARLIE.  I'll go through it and see if I missed any others.

I'll be the first to admit that my descriptive writing does need improving.  With continued practice, it should get better.

Again, thanks for taking the time, Lee.

Kevin

Hi Kevin,

You're welcome.

I like I said it's not a terrible story by any means just needs more work.

Good luck with this.

Lee

Hi lee, you have a very good story here.  I cannot recommend changes at the moment as it is quite long.  Could you have a quick check out on my script?

Cheers mate.

Ken.

Hi, Ken.

I'm the one that wrote the script, not Lee.  Thanks for taking the time to read it.  I would be interested in any recommendations you may have.

I would be more than happy to take a look at your script.

I have uploaded a new draft of the script.

--I managed to get rid of 4 more pages by making the writing within the action blocks more concise.

--I added 2 extra scenes.

--I deleted 2 scenes that did very little pushing the story forward.

--I reworked the fight scene near the end.

--Some of the dialogue that came across as flat have been rewritten.

I have written the first regular episode to follow the pilot and will upload sometime this week.

As always, I appreciate any constructive feedback.  If you have a script that you would like me to read in return, let me know.

Thanks again to LeeOConner for supplying much needed feedback.

Kevin,

Reading your story. To start with,  I would use an EXT.  SPACE scene showing the moon in a close up and then suggesting that we are heading below the surface. Or, you can end with a reveal that we are beneath the surface. Lose the superimpose and get creative in reference to the year/future setting. Drop subtle hints in the dialog.

Referencing the opening dialog. You can cut most of it out. Grab a friend and read it out loud. All the chit chat doesn't validate the miners as "business as usual"

You need to greatly improve the description of the Eagles on introduction. At first, I thought you referenced real eagles. Then I realized these are ships. Explore this visually.

Don't start dialog with "look," It sucks. Get more meaty with your characters. All of a sudden he gives in and lets him fly? Why?

Your dialog is too "tell." Show the nuclear containers loaded up. Characters should be conflict.

"we are locked and cocked, over"  Don't use this.

Okay, so the pilots exploded. Not main characters, so this dialog doesn't mattet anyway. Cut this stuff.

COMMANDER KOENIG - reminds me of Chekov. Kinda more tell in this scene but you are establishing some things. Which is good.  

You have a totally unbelievable scene with the terrorists meeting. I'd make changes here.

You have an unfilmable description for Tanya.

Pg. 25 You describe Artie : he has a kind face with a below avg IQ - This is not good. Consider showing his nature, not describing it.

Pg. 30 and I'm skipping around. Not a lot is happening. It's okay. We all make tis mistake.  

Just like the Eagles,  I think you have a big picture in your mind of what the lunar base looks like. You need to help us out with it, however.

Pg. 70 You should be already on your final act. The terrorism is starting. This needs to happen earliet.

Pg. 93 has some of your best descriptive work up to this point. Try focusing on more of this. This looks like where you need to find your ending. You have an additional 10 pages  of nothing.

You need to chop this way down and have way more happen. The characters are weak. I don't see any arc or struggle. You began a few things with your pilots,  but way too late.

IMO,  you can still cut 20 more pages of dialog out or more and redo most all of your visuals.

I think your story can survive.

Gl with the script

Tony.