A New Play From Will Greene by Daniel Park - Short, Dark Comedy  - Frustrated playwright Will Greene is trying to write a new play. Fresh out of ideas, he conjures up the character Olivia, who in turn, tries to stop Will Greene from writing. A dark comedy.  13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Daniel,

Interesting idea. Good tension between Will and Olivia. But the tension relies a bit too much on the dialogues, not the visual or subtext cues. The dialogues could be more succinct, too. I felt that it's more like a play than a screenplay.

David

I'm reading your screenplay right now.  I will write stuff as I see them, but only once.  Good luck.

1.  So you say that there is a giant storm, but, yet, they still talk about going out.  How can the storm cancel one plan, but be okay for the other plan?

2.  You have a few camera things,  You want to keep those to a minimum.  

I thought that was good.  David, you said that it felt more like a play.  It WAS a play.  It's a screenplay of a play.  I do agree that we could and should see the conflict too, but, I thought it was good.

I like the merging of the real world with the fantasy world.  I like how he put himself in the story, and put Olivia in.  

I don't know why he didn't just destroy the typewriter and then buy a new one later on.

I'm assuming this is older set piece when computers didn't exist.  

Otherwise, good job.

I'd read any rewrites you do.

Dan

Daniel,

Comment can be as tempermental as characters.  read with a tuned ear.

I'll write as i read.

We start with Will, a young playwright, trying to fashion a new play.  Gets started with snow and Olivia.  At this point, I think Olivia is fictional as is the snow storm.  Nice slide from reality to story world.

I'm not so sure about the clacking.  I know it's a method to impose some reality, although I don't know many writers who still use a typewriter.

Olivia's monologue sounds whiny.  Cut it down?

I still think we're in the play as Will tries to get action from his character who goes into self-pity mode.

At this point, I think Olivia is a metaphor for Will's drive, his need to write.  She gives up because he's giving up.

We get a reversal whne Olivia types, but the message is the same.  Will is losing his will.

What is reality?  What is fantasy?  Seems all fantasy at the moment.

the fantasy play isn't working out.  Olivia demands too much.

Olivia leaves, a signal that Will has come back to reality?  And that muse isn't coming back.  That character didn't work out.

So Will begins anew.  

Works for me.  I would recommend some cutting on some of the dialogue.

Best
Richard