The Invitation by Mickey Hatewood - Horror - A troubled university dropout travels to a mysterious town in order to gain an inheritance, unaware of the inhabitant's sinister intentions. 99 pages - pdf, format 8)

Read the first ten or so.  Interesting so far.  Well-written, effective descriptions, some strong visuals.  Looking forward to reading more.

Thank you to Don for hosting my script, appreciate it very much.

Thanks Lon for taking a look, very nice of you.
Encouraging, kind words,
Thanks.
Hope you can enjoy whatever you can read of it and will let me know.

I'll repay you back if you let me know what script you have written and if it is available on this site.

Mick

There is an error in the logline.

Code occupants

Should be either occupant's, or occupants'. It's a little irritating not knowing which. There should also be a comma after 'inheritance'.

Occupants of a town.

Perhaps... inhabitants?

I dunno, up to you. Maybe occupants sounds better to you. Something to think about anyway.

Cheers, Dustin, nice catch. Will sort that out.

Thanks,

Revised Logline:

A troubled university dropout travels to a mysterious town in order to gain an inheritance, unaware of her benefactor's sinister intentions.

or

A troubled university dropout travels to a mysterious town in order to gain an inheritance, unaware of the occupants' sinister intentions.

Ended up going with inhabitants.

Thanks Dustin.

So, the story opens in the past, which is a typical beat/point you’d find in a horror. Usually, this event in the past has some effect on the future, at this point it’s the first question on my mind. Soon after we get a systematic kill as a women receives an invitation, which does appear like spam, and what do you do with spam. Ignore it. So, this would appear to be the system invitation, kill, invitation, kill, however the next person, our hero, receives the invitation and accepts.
Now, horror has many pitfalls imbedded in the genre. One of which is the dumb character. Sarah is down and out, however, IMO, for Sarah to accept this offer I’d make her desperation even more of a point. After her arrival she quickly comes to regret it, however, it’s all too late. Even though we’re not sure what’s fully going on, yet. Soon, her best friend Amy is worried and goes searching for her, along with the detectives. This is a great technique to add an investigation to infuse some plot in a genre that usually struggles in that department. It does feel a little episodic. So, I’m interested to see how it all ties together.

BLB

I'm reading along and becoming interested. Then I came to the split dialog and stopped completely. Why would you want someone to take time to read the same dialog twice?

pg.4 I'd rewrite the Abyss scene. Your writing is really good. No need to resort to the 'we see' or try to suggest the camera is 'swimming away.'

Greg's got a 20 yr younger trophy chick? Score 1 for  Greg.

Pg.8 is when Samantha should call the cops.

Didn't expect the build up for her, then to have THAT happen.

Story and character intro restarts at pg.10 -- not sure how I feel about that. Some will not like it at all. They will say there is noone to 'latch' onto while reading. I've made that mistake before.

** I'm going to a 1-5 "COWBELL" rating system from now on :) **

I give "The Invititaion" --

1.5 cowbells... Simple enough premise and logline. Not executed in the first 11 pages.

NEEDS MORE COWBELL

GL with the script.

Tony.

Hey BLB and Tony.
Thanks for reading and posting your thoughts, I appreciate you guys taking the time.

Quoted Text Sarah is down and out, however, IMO, for Sarah to accept this offer Iï¿¿d make her desperation even more of a point

I'll look into this. I did have a few other scenarios designed that would illustrate how woeful her current situation is, centring more around her drug habit, but it was going on way too long. I felt her plight might be deviating from the main plot. There are ways around this, I could just use a series of shots to show her nightly routine, so I'll certainly consider this in a rewrite.

Thanks for the encouraging words, BLB. If you have anything you'd like me to read, just let me know.

Quoted Text I'm reading along and becoming interested. Then I came to the split dialog and stopped completely. Why would you want someone to take time to read the same dialog twice?

That's a fair and understandable point. I could have just used both names in one dialogue block, but I don't like the idea of adding another name to the character list, in this case it would have added MR. VARONE/MRS. NEWMAN. I also just prefer that if a character speak, they have their own dialogue block and not "share" it.

Quoted Text pg.4 I'd rewrite the Abyss scene. Your writing is really good. No need to resort to the 'we see' or try to suggest the camera is 'swimming away.'

Thanks for the compliment. This scene is probably down to lazy writing, although I remember trying various alternatives, I never felt completely happy with them. When I do a rewrite, I'll clean this up.

Quoted Text Story and character intro restarts at pg.10 -- not sure how I feel about that. Some will not like it at all. They will say there is noone to 'latch' onto while reading. I've made that mistake before.

Yup, I wouldn't expect it to go down well with some readers.  I've already outlined the next draft, and have introduced the main character much earlier on -- straight after the hospital scene, if I remember rightly.

Thanks for the read and encouragment, Tony.
If you have anything you would like me to check out, let me know.

Which draft is posted? I don't have a problem with reviewing it, I just don't want to give you notes on stuff you've since revised or changed.

Quoted from NickZ Which draft is posted? I don't have a problem with reviewing it, I just don't want to give you notes on stuff you've since revised or changed.

Hi NickZ,
This is the current draft.
I have outlined changes to be made, written scenes that would intro the main character much earlier and given them more depth. I've also written scenes for minor characters that would help expand the story.
I'm a bit busy with other projects at the moment, but I'll probably get round to giving this another go soon.
Thanks for the interest, any notes are helpful.