The Tell-Tale Bag - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, June 7th, 2015, 10:47am

The Tell-Tale Bag by Paul Nash - Short, Comedy - A 40s businessman’s tenuous grip on reality is snapped by his huge, creaking sports bag and the stress of the city around him. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), June 8th, 2015, 7:18am; Reply: 1

Very interesting story. Nice work. Would make for a quirky little short.

Posted by: DanC, June 9th, 2015, 7:09am; Reply: 2

Hey Paul,
    I'm gonna give this a read.  Good luck.  Hope I like it...

1.  If everything is in the POV of the walker, how do we know what he looks like?  We need to see him looking in a mirror or something.

2.  It was a fast easy read.  don't take this wrong, but, Poe ,you are not.  This story doesn't have nearly the depth of the Tell-Tale Heart.

I think if you had more answers it might be cool, but, overall, you have a very unlikeable protag that we only see is POV for most of the film.  Not very exciting stuff.

I'd work on adding more depth to the characters and the dreaded phone call...

Good luck with it
Dan

Posted by: Fausto, January 20th, 2018, 2:35pm; Reply: 3

Paul, the basic story is there...but, it needs more depth and personality. Try to rewrite.
My best,
Fausto

Posted by: Paul Nash, January 23rd, 2018, 2:39pm; Reply: 4

Cool, thanks for the very useful feedback.

Paul