Silence by Timmy Osoba - Short, Psychological thriller - Linda Brown, just found out that her best friend has just been kidnapped and murdered by her her high school that just moved into her apartment building. 23 pages - pdf, format 8)

(1)
You should capitalize these characters. Not when you first use their name, but the first time you describe them.

Right off the bat, this scene at the public library is fine, but I think it's worded poorly.

He goes and helps HER carry HER books for HER. As the female unlocks the car AND enters ALSO the man opens the passengers side to drop HER books for HER.

Do you see what I mean? Sometimes it gets unnecessarily clunky. And it can get confusing. It says she enters the car, does that mean on the driver side? Because it says the man drops the books in the passenger side, and then pulls out his knife. This confuses me, because does that mean he stabs her when they're in the car? Or is she in the passenger's seat when she gets stabbed? If so, why does she enter from the passenger's side? Another question, why would he wave the knife to the female? What does that mean?

I'm being overly critical of this first scene, but it's only to say that some people don't want to get caught up in the first paragraph and feel confused. Take the time to clearly and quickly explain what's going on. Also, don't be afraid to break it up a little.

And this sort of clunkiness continues through the first page.

Quoted Text At the opposite side seated next to the window, a man named CARL THOMAS, 40. African American sits there also drinking from a tall cup. Continually stares at her as he reads a magazine. She continues to use her cellphone.

Little things like, the first sentence doesn't have a verb, so it reads funny. Is Carl black? Cause you make it seem like this "African American" is another character. Continually stares at her... is also not a complete sentence. Not that you ALWAYS have to have complete sentences, but here it just reads funny. And is he staring at her or reading? We already knew she was on her phone, so you don't really need to say that she continues to use it, especially since she has dialogue into the phone right after.

Just a quick rewrite: CARL THOMAS (40, black) sits at the other side of the cafe with a tall drink. He stares at Linda from behind a magazine.

And that's it. Remember to save space when you can. Once again, I'm being overly critical, but only because if you have these hiccups on the first page, they'll probably be everywhere else too. And if that's the case, then people won't get a chance to experience your story!

When you cut to a different area in the same scene, you don't need to use the full scene header again. If you want, you can use mini-slugs, or even omit it entirely. You use Public Library and Starebucks twice, even though they're the same scene.

(2)
That's very awkward of Carl. Why would he unecessarily expose himself like that? And who opens car doors for strangers? In a way, I like it because it's so strange that it makes you think Carl is autistic or something. My only problem is that Linda calls him a gentleman, which I guess is out of shock.

(3)
People don't talk to themselves like that unless it's a comedy or something.

(4)
This dialogue is very on-the-nose. The characters are flatly giving out details of each other, just to inform the audience. Try to be a little more subtle and natural.

Timmy,

Comments sometimes thrill, sometimes not.  Read at risk.

I'll comment as I go.

Right off we have a problem 'stakes' should probably be 'stacks'.  The slug line says it's the library, why repeat that in the action?  Can't this MAN simply wear a gray hoodie?  Of course he sees her, but why say it?  Simply describe the action.  He smiles, helps her with the books.  She opens one side, he dumps books in the other.  as she climbs in, he produces the knife, jerks her by  her hair, and stabs, although I would prefer slicing her throat, blood hitting the inside of the windshield.  Done.

Next scene is far too wordy.  Starbucks is crowded.  Cell phones, laptops, a line at the counter.  You intro Linda and does it matter that she has a tall cup of coffee.  And why is everyone looking at her?  If she yells, show that.  Or have her jump up.

you don't need a new slug line to intro Carl.

Her dialogue is cliche and on the nose.

The next scene is awkward.  

Little things mean a lot.  Capitals mean something.  

I think you mean to show RAchel and Linda talking, but it's not on the page.

The Amanda Linda scene doesn't work for me.  

you have the evil people telling the audience exactly what they intend to do.  Why?  For one thing, Carl and Amanda already know.  For another, you've give the audience a reason to go to sleep.  They know what Amanda is about to do.

This one descends into caricature and cliche.  I suggest you read a bunch of good scripts and imitate the styles you find work for you.  Also, find a mentor who can edit your work and show you line by line why your work is not effective.  Film is a visual medium.  Work on what the audience sees, what portrays your idea.  This work is simply not good enough for production.  With effort, you can transform your idea into something worth shooting.

Best
Richard