What's the best way to eliminate ACTION lines starting with character names, and he/she?

Any tips for this? I'm currently editing my script and would appreciate a little advice.

In some instances, it's like I can't think of a better way to re-word things, and that's down to a lack of experience on my part.

I'm guessing you'd just re-work it like...

Max sighs > A sigh from Max, but even that seems a bit odd to me.

It does look a bit dodgy when you stack action lines beginning with character names and he/she, need to iron that stuff out.

Some examples of how you guys do it would be great.

An interesting challenge Max. I think the short answer is that there is no best way and that there is nothing especially wrong with starting each action line with the character name. The problem is that it can become tedious - dull. Dave does this..Dave does that, etc can start to drone.

I look for opportunities with any action with sound to flip the sequence. e.g.,

DAVE is startled by a GUNSHOT

can just as easily be:

BANG - a gunshot startles Dave.

So look for action you have that has sound in it and see if it works if you flip it.

The same goes for anyone or anything that comes into a scene. e.g.,

Dave sees a bird fly overhead

could be

A bird flies overhead - catches Dave's eye.

I've dabbled with action, but I lean towards drama.  For example, my attempts at re-wording:

Max walks toward the door, nervous.

Nervously, Max walks toward the door. <-- not ideal with the ly adverb

Nervousness overcomes Max as he walks toward the door.

A nervous Max walks toward the door.

The door, Max walks toward it.

Nervous, Max walks toward the door.

You can just omit the 'ly'...

Nervous, Max walks toward the door.

Quoted from DustinBowcot You can just omit the 'ly'... Nervous, Max walks toward the door.

Doh, of course.

Do you work to eliminate that btw?

Quoted Text Max kicks a ball. Stephanie plays with a dog on the lawn.  She catches Max's attention. Max turns, readies himself, boots the ball at Stephanie's face.

Yes I do work to eliminate that. Not on the first draft, but as I work through, I like to flip the action around.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Yes I do work to eliminate that. Not on the first draft, but as I work through, I like to flip the action around.

Alright then, do you find sometimes that it can't be helped tho, in certain situations? Where you've got multiple characters out and about.

Quoted from Max Alright then, do you find sometimes that it can't be helped tho, in certain situations? Where you've got multiple characters out and about.

Most of the time I use the character's name. It just comes down to flow. So long as it reads fine then it doesn't really matter much.

Quoted from Max I've dabbled with action, but I lean towards drama.  For example, my attempts at re-wording: Max walks toward the door, nervous. Nervously, Max walks toward the door. <-- not ideal with the ly adverb Nervousness overcomes Max as he walks toward the door. A nervous Max walks toward the door. The door, Max walks toward it. Nervous, Max walks toward the door.

Not quite sure you understood my post. It had nothing to do with the genre of the script.

Quoted from eldave1 Not quite sure you understood my post. It had nothing to do with the genre of the script.

Yeah but you ain't getting many bangs, and massive audio in a drama really.  My script is really contained, it's conversation only really, not much coming and going.

Good topic, Max. Rarely mentioned when it should be.

Whilst it could be argued that on the screen Max did this, Max did that etc would be the same, the reality is that we have to be read first. As such we have to keep the reader engaged and also BELIEVE in us as writers. So, to me, part of what we are doing is trying to persuade the reader that the story is good because we are good. Supposedly.

There probably have been many great ideas lost in crap writing and format etc

I also do like dustin, sort of! I write the first draft and then later I fine tune. This can mean a reworking the action lines to vary the order. I try to avoid line after line with He, she or the name. Breaking it up is often easy. Also, sometime connect them to make a longer sentence so that you avoid extra he, she etc

Re the ly words - I'm less bothered by these now, and you will se a fair few in Alice. But the challenge is to use them when it works, when it conveys a message. I do agree that if you can avoid them, and it reads well, then do so.

Cheers

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Good topic, Max. Rarely mentioned when it should be. Whilst it could be argued that on the screen Max did this, Max did that etc would be the same, the reality is that we have to be read first. As such we have to keep the reader engaged and also BELIEVE in us as writers. So, to me, part of what we are doing is trying to persuade the reader that the story is good because we are good. Supposedly. There probably have been many great ideas lost in crap writing and format etc I also do like dustin, sort of! I write the first draft and then later I fine tune. This can mean a reworking the action lines to vary the order. I try to avoid line after line with He, she or the name. Breaking it up is often easy. Also, sometime connect them to make a longer sentence so that you avoid extra he, she etc Re the ly words - I'm less bothered by these now, and you will se a fair few in Alice. But the challenge is to use them when it works, when it conveys a message. I do agree that if you can avoid them, and it reads well, then do so. Cheers

Nice of you to pop in Reef :)

Yeah, I see what you mean, the editing process will be quite enjoyable if I can iron all the little kinks out with the action lines ect.

It's only a few, but it's good to learn how to write the same thing in different ways.

What's the best way to improve sentence structure? Anyone else got any tips?

Yeah in regard to ly adverbs I use them all the time. Just as Reef said, be careful when you do. I learned that from writing prose, but it works just as well with screenplays... they do say that in every novel you should only see one 'ly' adverb every two pages or so. However, it is possible to write without them altogether.

Just go easy on them.

I never heard that sentences starting with a character's name or he/she should be avoided. Really?
They talk about ly/ing words, orphans and whatever... but never that. Thanks for the alert! Although I'm confused as to why - never bothered me.

Quoted from khamanna I never heard that sentences starting with a character's name or he/she should be avoided. Really?

Not to be avoided... just not used all the time. Most of the time you will write the character name first. Just occasionally flip things around.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Not to be avoided... just not used all the time. Most of the time you will write the character name first. Just occasionally flip things around.

Funny but I actually do the oposite. Can be a being international thing - I never start with the name. Then I go through and change the sentences to start with the character.

Like today I was writing about a piano player. She's on stage playing her piece. Then she goes down. Another student climbs the stage and starts playing. So I wanted the other student to be seen and heard from my main character's POV. And I changed all the sentences that are about another student to "Anna watches..." "Anna listens" - because it's from her POV. What do I do now? Change back?

Quoted from DustinBowcot Yeah in regard to ly adverbs I use them all the time. Just as Reef said, be careful when you do. I learned that from writing prose, but it works just as well with screenplays... they do say that in every novel you should only see one 'ly' adverb every two pages or so. However, it is possible to write without them altogether. Just go easy on them.

I kind of feel like an idiot for asking this, but what's prose again? It's that fancy ass writing style, right? Sort of like, the way a novel is written as opposed to a screenplay, so loads of adverbs and adjectives ect, heavy description, unfilmables ect.

I haven't really dabbled in any other writing, just screenplays, and lets just say I haven't done much in the way of higher learning when it comes to creative writing.

It's how most screenwriters refer to novelists, so I use it. Nothing fancy about novel writing. Well, it depends... but there are rules in that too about overwriting.

Where did you learn how to write Dustin? Did you get some higher qualifications ect.? Or are you self-taught?

Self taught. I read loads and loads. I left school at 13, so haven't got any qualifications at all.

Damn, pretty impressive if you ain't got no formal education, just goes to show...

Quoted from khamanna Funny but I actually do the oposite. Can be a being international thing - I never start with the name. Then I go through and change the sentences to start with the character. Like today I was writing about a piano player. She's on stage playing her piece. Then she goes down. Another student climbs the stage and starts playing. So I wanted the other student to be seen and heard from my main character's POV. And I changed all the sentences that are about another student to "Anna watches..." "Anna listens" - because it's from her POV. What do I do now? Change back?

Oh nah, it ain't nothing like that, what you've done is perfectly acceptable and useful when you're in a P.O.V.  This is more of a personal niggle I have at the moment.

It's a great question, Max, and also something that is very prevalent in scripts that have been written rather quickly.

In action heavy scenes, it's tough to do away with.

When a writer tries to rework lines, looking to change them up, the result is often poorly constructed, awkward sentences.

There are ways to make it seem less obvious.

Breaking up action lines with dialogue helps.  Or inserting lines that don't necessarily have to do with the actual action taking place....like nature, the surroundings, something of that "nature", but then again, this packs on extra lines, so it's a double edged sword.

It's good to be cognisant of it, and when you get down to certain spots that need attention, you'll be able to do away with a few lines here and there that start the same way, but in the end, don't lsoe too much sleep over it.  

IMO there are a ton of options on how to flip sentences around and a lot of them work case by case and based on the writing style.

Although, here are two that I like, maybe they'll be of use to you:

Add description which would still be important to the plot

Instead of "Guy reaches for the beer.", "Hands shaking, Guy reaches for the beer."

Look at the order of things happening or what we would see first.

Instead of "Guy stirs in his sleep as the band starts playing.", "The band starts playing, Guy stirs in his sleep."

Instead of "Guy screams as the cockroach walks over his feet.", "A cockroach walks over Guy's feet, he screams."

None of the above examples are meant to be wrong of course, just in the case for when you want to swap it around.

I agree that it's useful to look out for overdoing it and creating weird sentences, which will be noticed much more than repetition of names or gender pronouns.

Not to cause an uproar, but DS's examples are actually perfect examples of what I said -

"When a writer tries to rework lines, looking to change them up, the result is often poorly constructed, awkward sentences."

That's what these examples are, sorry to say.

Quoted from Dreamscale Not to cause an uproar, but DS's examples are actually perfect examples of what I said - "When a writer tries to rework lines, looking to change them up, the result is often poorly constructed, awkward sentences." That's what these examples are, sorry to say.

If the last one was in two sentences tho.

A cockroach scutters over Guy's feet.  He SCREAMS at the top of his lungs.

Still not as good as the sentence starting with Guy, imo, but passable I think.



I would say that one is alright, but maybe not the hands shaking one.

Well, the actual issue doesn't just pertain to starting the sentence with the person's name.  It also is the same thing when you use he or she.

Basically, it's writing in a very simple sentence structure -

Character A does this.

Character B does that.

Etc, etc, etc...

That's the way I write, lol.

Trust me, if I try and go beyond that I'll fuck it all up completely.

So I'd write something like...

Guy recoils in horror as he spots a cockroach scuttering across the floor.  He unleashes a rip-roaring scream.

That's the best I can do, if I follow it up with...

His body contorts violently as he collapses to the ground, crying like a baby.

That's kind of, I dunno, I can't judge my own writing really.

Nothing wrong with that...maybe a little overwriting, but structurely, it's fine.

The question was how do writers get over the repetitive feel of that structure.

The answer is that it's difficult to and when most try, the outcome is worse, because it reads awkwardly.

Quoted from Dreamscale Nothing wrong with that...maybe a little overwriting, but structurely, it's fine. The question was how do writers get over the repetitive feel of that structure. The answer is that it's difficult to and when most try, the outcome is worse, because it reads awkwardly.

This is why I write on a level, instead of getting above my station, but then it's like... how do I improve if I don't take the risk with my writing?

I keep my shit real simple, very simple sentences that describe actions, emotions ect.  I feel as if, it's more acceptable to do that with a screenplay because it's visuals and character cues.



Some people have the gift I guess, others have to try very hard to learn.

I kind of hate repeating "as he/ or as she", how many times can you use that before someone just goes "fuck that, this dude doesn't know how to write this any other way" sort of thing.

Guy collapses as he spots a cockroach.  His body contorts as he falls back.

I hate repeating shit but it's like, do I have to worry all that much? To me, that repetition annoys me, and it will probably annoy others seeing it repeated as well, so I dunno.

Quoted from Max If the last one was in two sentences tho. A cockroach scutters over Guy's feet.  He SCREAMS at the top of his lungs. Still not as good as the sentence starting with Guy, imo, but passable I think I would say that one is alright, but maybe not the hands shaking one.

Hmm, I dunno, I find screaming cockroaches very undignified and embarrassing.  ;D

Quoted from LC Hmm, I dunno, I find screaming cockroaches very undignified and embarrassing.  ;D

Lmao, you could read it like that but cockroaches don't have lungs.

Defo Guy screaming, haha.

Dunno, is it written in a way where, you would read it as the cockroach screaming? That's probably my bad, again ;D

Quoted from Max Lmao, you could read it like that but cockroaches don't have lungs. Defo Guy screaming, haha. Dunno, is it written in a way where, you would read it as the cockroach screaming? That's probably my bad, again ;D

Watch out for ambiguity, that"s all I'm saying - though it can result in a laugh.  ;)

Quoted from LC Watch out for ambiguity, that"s all I'm saying - though it can result in a laugh.  ;)

There's nothing funny about a screaming cockroach Libby.

Check yourself bruh.

You improve by reading... not by writing.

Quoted from Dreamscale Not to cause an uproar, but DS's examples are actually perfect examples of what I said - "When a writer tries to rework lines, looking to change them up, the result is often poorly constructed, awkward sentences." That's what these examples are, sorry to say.

No uproar necessary. Those were indeed throwaway sentences that I came up with in a minute, which ended up reading simplistic and awkward, but the point of those examples were still the ideas behind them. I wouldn't say those are half as poor as my off-the-go examples.

It gets incredibly complex when you move further up the chain.  I'm guessing all of us here have a basic understanding of stuff like subjects, predicates, simple sentences, compound sentences, complex sentences, independent clauses, dependent clauses, comma splices, run on sentences ect.

If not, I suggest you try and learn about all of the above, and more.

There's a whole of layers to this shit, even more than I thought.  When you come to the realization that you can't half-ass this shit, a whole lot of doors open for you as a writer.

I personally don't write with that flowery style. I prefer simple sentence structure when it comes to screenplay writing.

I'm glad people found this topic useful anyway.  I hope more people chime in, because there's a lot to uncover, and it almost makes me wish that I had a higher formal education in this stuff.

Quoted from Max What's the best way to eliminate ACTION lines starting with character names, and he/she? Any tips for this? I'm currently editing my script and would appreciate a little advice. In some instances, it's like I can't think of a better way to re-word things, and that's down to a lack of experience on my part. I'm guessing you'd just re-work it like... Max sighs > A sigh from Max, but even that seems a bit odd to me. It does look a bit dodgy when you stack action lines beginning with character names and he/she, need to iron that stuff out. Some examples of how you guys do it would be great.

Keeping the focus on who is doing what is important.

Bob shoots the dinasour.

Jane peels off her dress.

Jimmy speaks to Lassie.

It's a script, not prose. Starting an action sentence with someone doing something and being specific about who is doing it is not a sin, it's necessary. Far too many times I have been confused by who is doing what simply because of poor writing. It's a script; be clear.

I've read through the posts and the good insight. One such was the nervous thread. One thought is what does the character do when nervous? Eye twitch? Fix their clothes? What is making them nervous? A dreaded phone call? Door ring in the middle of the night?

The other part is the ly and ing words. There are better ways to write a sentence and the best script way is active tense, although a passive tense won't kill you.

When entering a scene Jason is sitting at a desk vs Jason sits at a desk. The former is passive the latter active. What is more important is HOW Jason sits. Is he slumped? Slouched? Stands before the desk? Feet kicked up? Each conveys a reaction from who sees it, if the reaction is important (if not ditch the scene). If he is slumped then it would indicate maybe he's dead. Slouched? Maybe he failed his test that was so important.

The one truism is less is more and if you can do it in less, then do so. I would not worry too much about ly and ing if you can cut your action paragraph by 30% by eliminating unnecessary words.

Quoted from khamanna I never heard that sentences starting with a character's name or he/she should be avoided. Really? They talk about ly/ing words, orphans and whatever... but never that. Thanks for the alert! Although I'm confused as to why - never bothered me.

It took me the better part of a year to realize that all rules (e.g., don't use asides/unfilmables, don't use "ing" and "ly" words, etc.) should be viewed "in general" and that the overarching rule is to write well. In a vast majority of instances, that will entail following the "rules". In many cases it won't.

In terms of this specific issue - there is no "rule" that requires one to avoid starting sentences with the characters name. The majority of time my lines do in fact start with the character name and that is true for almost all of the scripts that I have read. However, I have found that if it is 100% of the time, the read can become tedious. So, I look for opportunities where something else in the scene is really more dominant than the character (e.g., a sound, a visual, an emotion, etc.) that would warrant not starting the sentence with the character name. e.g.,

Dave walks on the beach under dark clouds.

The sky darkens as Dave walks down the beach.

Both of the above are fine. One shouldn't fret if they use either or them. I personally would go with the second one because I know 90% of my other sentences are starting with Dave and it gives me a chance to break up the monotony and it moves a visual (darkening sky) to a more dominant position in the description.  Very long winded way of saying - be aware of rules but do not follow them if it makes your writing less engaging, enjoyable or precise.

Quoted from DS No uproar necessary. Those were indeed throwaway sentences that I came up with in a minute, which ended up reading simplistic and awkward, but the point of those examples were still the ideas behind them. I wouldn't say those are half as poor as my off-the-go examples.

IMO (and yes I know you were just throwing out quick samples and they are not meant to be ideal) your suggested revisions read better. i.e., I disagree with this is an example of where something went from okay to akward. IMO it went from okay to better. Why? - because in each instance it flipped my mind's eye to a better sequence. i.e., the band playing and then the stir, the cock roaches appear and then the reaction.