(1)
From page one I think your writing needs just a little bit of cleanup.
For example, the first scene is at Robert's House, but where? You don't specify, but the next scene you do specify the bathroom. And the third scene, you drop the "Robert's House" header in favor of Robert's Bedroom. I'm not actually sure if this is breaking any rules, but there might be a way to make it smoother.
You gives some unecessary details like telling us the bathroom has a toilet and a sink or telling us exactly what he's wearing.
You say that the duct tape on his boots is a "utility" belt. I'm not sure what that means. Or is the utility belt something else, because it seems like you're still talking about the boots.
The first message is a little weird. He's saying things like he was a school teacher, does that really matter? Why does he say that? Is he trasmitting this message? How?
(2)
How young is young? I mean, that description can be like from 10 – 25.
(3)
Instead of Ext. Pickup Truck at the end, I suggest you put maybe outside a building or whatever. Because you sort of say "approaches the door," but I have no idea what door you're talking about. Are they still downtown?
(4)
Jumping to "Spider's POV" is a little sudden. To make the script more suspenseful, I'd suggest saying something like "SOMETHING'S POV:" But that's all personal taste.
So this is the first time you mention these spiders, but no mention of how big they are. Your logline tells us they are giant spiders, but I'm getting no indication of that from the script. I'm imagining that Robert set up a trap for a very small spider, and it makes no sense. What kind of trap is this anyway? You just call it a trap. Is it a rope attached to something?
And you say this takes place in Bourbon Street. Does that mean that this trap is located outside? Because then you say Robert walks through the door. What door? The same door to the building? Does that mean the scene is now inside the same dark room? Where are the spiders he was shooting at?
There's also some more confusion. You say the spider's head hangs a few feet above the ground. I imagine that means 3-5 feet off the ground (lower than Robert's height). But then you say Robert looks up and that the dead spider jumps -down- onto his head.
I have no idea where we are or what's going on.
(5)
Just a little nitpicking at your writing.
Quoted Text After a few moments, he is able to shake the spider lose.
Robert quickly grabs his M-16 Machine gun and begins firing on the spider. Quickly killing it. |
Just remember to go through this and clean it up, make it read faster. You don't need all the quicklys and such.
"He shakes the spider off.
He grabs his M-16 and fires. The spider dies."
It's simpler. You're allowed to spice it up to make it more interesting, but you were just making it longer than it needs to be.
So why did Robert go back there in the first place? To check the trap? If so, why is he telling Jerry to be careful? Robert's the one who couldn't tell the spider was dead. And then he plainly tells him "You're all I got!" It's way too on-the-nose.
"You ain't gonna rape me later now are you?" It's a terrible line.
(7)
A lot more confusing action. Sleeping there are TWO FORMS. What do you mean by forms? Human forms? Spider forms? How would he not be able to tell?
"He motions for the imaginary dog to move back." What imaginary dog? What are you talking about? You make it seem we are already familiar with this dog, but we're not.
(8)
I think your dialogue needs some work.
"You mean, the spiders!" Of course that's what she means. Why does he say it so excitedly?
"These are obviously some very strong walls if you've been able to survive this long. But you're right, obviously the food here isn't going to last." It feels too "explainy" like you have to justify that these characters are here, even though it makes no sense that a defenseless woman and child survived this long.
"I don't know if I can trust you going out there with those things. (you mean the spiders?) You may draw their attention to me."
"Robbie man! Haven't you been longing for some companionship for a while?"
You see? You're stating all their fears, desires, plans, etc all directly through text.
I think I'll stop there for now.
I know I'm only marking the bad things, but it's not terrible! There's just some issues with clarity and being on-the-nose. Robert seems to have this adventurer personality that's nice to see (instead of being all grim and stuff).
Post-apocalypstic stories aren't really my thing. As for originality, I think it's lacking. So far the beats have been everything you see in zombie movies/shows. The spiders have the ability to be cool, and I like the idea of having everything covered in web, but so far they haven't done anything to interesting (but that's because I didn't finish, so I can't really judge).
Robert/Jerry might be an interesting dynamic, but I quit around when we find out that Jerry isn't real, so I don't know.
I should probably finish it before saying anything else! I might get back to it.
Keep it up!