Scan by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - A 3D scan allows a blind father to 'see' his unborn child for the first time, perhaps it will also help him overcome his marrow deep fears of fatherhood. 13 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Code RUTH, 30s, red faced and uncomfortable, lies back on the bed and pulls her maternity top up and her maternity trousers down.

Not usually one to bang on about orphans, but this is your first action block and it's there I believe partly because you have one too many 'her'.

RUTH, 30s, red faced and uncomfortable, lies back on the bed
and pulls her maternity top up and maternity trousers down.

A little later in the script and it would be forgiveable. Just right there on the front page makes it look a little messy. This is also quite a long one at 12 pages. Producers seem to want shorts as short as possible these days. If you could get this under 10 it would make it more attractive, IMO.

Code GAVIN Wow, is that a leg... or... RUTH (laughing) No, definitely a leg. He sits by her, cradling the baby. GAVIN Thank you, it’s perfect.

Perhaps a joke about taking after the old man? It's an old one, but it's one a lot of men know and have probably said at some point in their lives themselves. A little joke like that would create instant rapport with many male viewers, maybe even the females that have heard their man say it.

Well to be honest it went by pretty quickly. Your writing is good so it flows and I barely noticed that it was 12 pages. I just don't really understand this one. What was the cause of he vomiting? It seems like an unresolved plot point.

He dreams about dropping the baby all the time, due to he being blind. It's reasonable that he would fear something like that. That his disability will get in the way of he being a good father. I feel that that too is left unresolved.

I imagine there is some significance to the plastic child scuttling around, I just can't figure out what that is at the moment. Is it just meant to be a creepy tale about a plastic doll like Chucky?

I'm glad there is more to this story than a blind man simply getting a 3D scan. I like the creepy element but I don't feel it is all tied in well enough at the moment. Blind Man is throwing up without knowing the reason why. He's also been having bad dreams about dropping and injuring the baby. 3D plastic doll shows up, scuttles around the room and seems to be alive only to Blind Man.

At the moment I can't see how all of those events tie in. Maybe I'm missing something.

Anthony,

Did you invent the 3-D part or do they actually do that now? If you made it up, you're on to something!

Anyhow, great premise for a short -- blind daddy-to-be, fearful of fatherhood to the point of puking, babysits his baby-to-be, gets drunk, etc. etc, finds some comfort.

On a first reading, I saw a few bits of dialogue that said more than was needed -- the kind of thing you'll see when you go back over the script after letting it age for a few days. Overall, though, the dialogue rang true.

I didn't like the last line (weird dream). This story needs something better.

Henry

Thanks Dustin/Henry - feedback appreciated...

Dustin - the vomitting is a sympton of his anxiety/stress... the doll scuttling round... is either a bad whiskey fuelled dream, or real... intentionally open. Point is that he resolves his issue by naming his child and coming to terms with it... via an admittedly dark route ;-)

Henry - I figured someone must have done it already but don't know for sure... will check. And will go through the script again and look your comments.

Thanksboth

Hey Anthony,

This was a quick and easy read. Well written and, for the most part, enjoyable.

I really like the premise of the blind guy being horribly anxious about becoming a father and dropping his child. The ending didn't quite gel for me though. When the 3D baby comes to life, it feels unnatural to the story. I enjoyed reading it but it didn't connect with what came before it. I don't know why the baby would come to life. It can't be the whiskey, because he only poured himself a couple of fingers. Maybe if he drank half a bottle? Unless it's real, of course, and the baby is possessed or something but that just doesn't fit with the story. Just my thoughts anyway.

And yeah, the last line is a bit odd. Don't really get it.

Interesting premise and well written though.

Good luck with this.

Glenn.

Hey Anthony,
     I agree with the others on this one. The idea is unique and endearing and I was feeling bad for Gavin until he got sloshed.  My opinion went from, "oh man, this poor guy" to "this home is going to need Child Protective Services."  Between the dropping the baby comment and then chucking back some booze the moment his wife left turned me off a bit but not as much as the 'pink' thing he was crawling around for. I get confused as to what genre this was then. What I thought was going to be a romantic short seemed to switch hard to sci-fi. The dialogue works though.

Anthony,

I've never heard of them actually producing a doll from a scan like this. Is it possible? Never heard if it before, but pretty cool if its true.

I like the idea of this. I'm drawn to the problem the father faces, and his insecurities about what he'll be able to do or not do when his child arrives.

It was written well, if not a tad overwritten. There seems to be some passages you could've combined that would have saved on page count.

The meaning of this is hard for me to figure out. I guess it was a dream he'd had, hearing the scuttling child and the giggles. It didn't come off as scary, really, but kinda cute. And that's why I think you were going for. Personally, I would have run screaming from the house.

Still, this had a sweet sentiment to it, which is good as there isn't really a big twist or crazy reveal. I think it was set up well with him talking about his dream to Ruth it foreshadows what's about to happen. I'm led to believe this was all a dream because of that, and also that he gets sloshed on the whiskey.

When something is running from you I take the meaning as something that is out of reach. An that brings me back to Gavin's insecurities as a father. I think, whether he's blind or not, a lot of dads have these very same fears. Ultimately, I got that these fears were softened because he was able to track the baby as it crawled from him.

Sorry if I'm reaching a bit. I don't know if I hit anything on the head here. I did like this one a bunch. Good luck with it.

Steve

Hey, Anthony

The presentation was there as far as spacing. Even in the beginning, I saw some momentum building. The 3-D printing was great and tugged at the old heart strings, however it came too early. I only say that because no piece of narrative comes close, the narrative drive essential stops in my opinion.

It maybe better served revealing the 3-D at the end and removing the information from the premise so that it comes as a surprise and essential the resolution to an issue.


BLB

Quoted from AnthonyCawood the doll scuttling round... is either a bad whiskey fuelled dream, or real... intentionally open. Point is that he resolves his issue by naming his child and coming to terms with it... via an admittedly dark route ;-)

See, I didn't get that from reading this. "Bobby twists a little, settles back down. It's okay Bobby, Daddy's got ya... had the weirdest dream..."

This suggested to me that this was not a "whiskey fueled dream" but rather the entire thing was a dream. It's one thing to make the ending intentionally open. Another to have the last third of your script ambiguous.

I did like the first four pages though. Hopefully you'll rework this into something more clear.

-J.S.

EDIT: Actually I forgot about this.

From the last scene: "In the crook of his arm, Bobby nestles, static and plastic."

So this, I'm guessing, means its from Ruth's perspective which, I assume, means the doll is in fact plastic. But just as she leaves you have "Bobby twists a little, settles back down" which I assume is suppose to be from Gavin's perspective even though his eyes are closed, so you're kind of cheating here, which is why I'm left confused.

And for those who asked, yes these are apparently a thing and one seems to have been produced for same reason I have in my script, though my inspiration just came from a 'what if' moment...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newsvideo/viral-video/11589248/Blind-mum-to-be-given-3D-scan-of-baby.html

Anthony

Anthony,

Comments come in all ages.  

This is a fine idea.  Blind guy gets a 3D rendition of his unborn baby, something to bond with.  But when the baby comes to life, you lost me.  There was no setup for that--unless it's an obvious dream.  I'm not sure that is the case.  His wife seems to come back prematurely since she was supposed to be gone overnight.  Is it midday already?  I'm a bit lost on the time frame.  

This would be really cool idea if they produced the doll so it did gurgle and coo and do the things babies do.  Or maybe not.  In any case, there's a your that should be a you're but that was the only obvious mistake.  A quick read and a nice idea to explore.

Best
Richard

Thanks for taking a look Richard, appreciated.

So, he's shown drunk and falling asleep, it's ambiguos but ultimately he's in an alcohol fuelled dream - I will try and make this clearer in the re-write.

She leaves for an evening shower, calls later that night and then arrives back the next day... why does it need to be midday?

Thanks for the your/you're - one of these days I'll spot em all ;-)

Baby cooing and gurgling, think they do dolls like that already, wanted this one to be specifically a scan of his baby to help him over the anxiety.

Many thanks

Anthony

Scan has been optioned, one of 8 optioned by the same producer.