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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Ouija
Posted by: Don, July 21st, 2015, 5:03pm
Ouija by Anthony Cawood - Short, Comedy - A group of friends get more than they bargained for when the hook a Ouija board up to a 3D printer and encounter a presence from the other side. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: eldave1, July 21st, 2015, 6:43pm; Reply: 1
Anthony - love the premise here - the log line alone sells it. This is a well written script in terms of format, style, etc.

However, it is labeled as a comedy and I didn't find it part particularly funny. Maybe it's just me. I think the premise works better as a horror.  

Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), July 21st, 2015, 7:27pm; Reply: 2

Quoted from eldave1
the log line alone sells it.


Uh...the logline has a glaring typo in it.
Posted by: Max, July 21st, 2015, 7:37pm; Reply: 3

Quoted from Dreamscale


Uh...the logline has a glaring typo in it.


I'm more concerned about Anthony's obsession with 3D printing.
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), July 21st, 2015, 7:46pm; Reply: 4

Quoted from Max
I'm more concerned about Anthony's obsession with 3D printing.


I'm more corncerned with your obsession of Conor.  LOL!!

Hey, trust me, I love the guy too, but I prefer looking at your WWE babes compared to Conor's mug.

;D ;D ;D ;D
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, July 22nd, 2015, 1:43am; Reply: 5
Thanks Dave - glad you liked, and could easily work as straight horror but current guise (for me anyway) is comedy horror...

Dreamscale - goddam those typos!

Max - I do like where things like 3D printers can take us, fertile gorund for writers to play in.

Thanks

Anthony
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), July 22nd, 2015, 4:47am; Reply: 6
3D printing has been at the back of my mind for a while now. Never had any actual inspiration for a story yet though.

I like that it's 8 pages. The tiny typo in the logline is easy to get past.

Man, are you going to start every action block of every script with an orphan, like a protest? I noticed it in your last script about Father Time but didn't mention it. To see it again here makes it remarkable.

Code

KURT, late 20s, wraith thin, skinny jeans and fitted T,
tinkers with some wires sticking out of an upturned wooden
board.



It's not a big deal. It just would be to me. The thing with this one is that it would be very easy to get rid of. Simply change late 20s to a specific age like 28.

Code

KURT, 28, wraith thin, skinny jeans and fitted T, tinkers 
with some wires sticking out of an upturned wooden board.



It makes for a neater looking script, especially for your first page.

I would like to know the scale of this cabin being built, if you could incorporate that into the story somehow it would aid in clarification.

Code

Thunder rumbles in the night.



I don't think you need 'in the night'. Should really go without saying.

That was good. Very funny, unexpected ending. The build up is horror, but the end is definitely comedy, which actually serves to make it even funnier. At least, for me. It's also an original way to handle the whole ouija board thing... so top marks from me on this one.
Posted by: IamGlenn, July 22nd, 2015, 5:43am; Reply: 7
You and this 3D printer, eh?

First thing I'm thinking as reading through is why, on the first page, is Dean constantly OS? He joins them at the table but is still OS, whilst everyone else is in the shot? Maybe I'm missing something..

This was nice. I definitely see this one as a comedy with horror elements. Nicely written, easy to read and the ending was funny. Good job.

Good luck with this.

Glenn.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, July 22nd, 2015, 10:36am; Reply: 8
Thanks Dustin/Glenn - glad you mostly liked.

Dustin - orphans, I just don't worry about them... The professional reads I've had have never mentioned them, so I've not fixed em... I kinda like the idea of doing it on purpose though, a calling card maybe ;-)

Scale of the cabin, meant to be relatively small, will look to incorporate something.

In the night, true not needed, but a little more poetic, all will be reviewed in next draft so may come out.

Glenn, yep 3D printers have sparked a few ideas in my mind, of which a couple have coalesced into scripts so far... i think there's loads more possibilities still with this and other elements of new technology... I've started to refer to my stories that utilise current tech, or imminent tech in a slightly quirky way as NearFi... like SciFi but nearer ;-)

The second couple of Dean (O.S.) are an error on my part due to editing and submitting on my iPad... will fix in next iteration - thanks for spotting.

Thanks

Anthony
Posted by: Stumpzian, July 22nd, 2015, 4:22pm; Reply: 9
Anthony,

I have an orphan thing, too. I labor to rewrite whenever I see one in my own scripts. Probably due to my old newspaper jobs, where we especially didn't want one at the top of a column. We called them "widows."

However, I didn't notice your orphans, probably because I was enjoying the story. You hooked me in, then made me laugh. Props!
Posted by: RichardR, July 23rd, 2015, 1:28pm; Reply: 10
Anthony,

Comments can come from the nether world, no?

This one has all the elements needed but it just doesn't ring true.  Why these four?  Why this cabin?  Why this time?  I would be happier if there was a better setup.  The cabin has always housed voices.  The pink ouija board was used once, and she can't remember exactly what happened, but she thinks it was bad.  

Even better, it's storming and they're locked in, and they're bored to tears.  But he has a 3D printer, and they find the old pink board, and viola, they think it's a good idea.  

And then when the printer starts, where are the recriminations?  I would think there would be plenty of skepticism at this point.  Each accusing the other of sabotage.  And even when they pull the plug, it continues to print...damn.  Now, you have some scary stuff.  Although, someone is still going to scoff.  

In any case, it's good stuff.  A very fine modern idea.  Keep it up.

Best
Richard
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, July 23rd, 2015, 5:21pm; Reply: 11
Thanks Henry/Richard - appreciate the read and glad you liked...

Richard - The 'why' questions you pose... I don't like too much setup and/or explaining too much if I can avoid it, so here I'm coming in to the scene/script intentionally late.

I do like the idea of pulling the plug though, that'll work and be in the next version - many thanks.

Anthony
Posted by: Zombie Sean, August 7th, 2015, 8:31pm; Reply: 12
Anthony,

First off: where is the mention of the printer before it actually starts printing? I read through the first four pages about three times trying to find where the printer has been placed within the group but it's nowhere to be found. You mention wires coming from the board and connecting to some chair, but no mention of a printer or where it's located. The only time we see the printer is when it starts printing. Sorry, that ended up being a bigger peeve than I thought it would but since it's crucial to the story, I feel it should be mentioned somewhere before it starts to print. Even when they say they're ready to test it, we still aren't shown the printer.

As for the rest of the script, I didn't find it incredibly funny until the end because it ended up pretty goofy and I liked it, but otherwise it was just casual conversation. RichardR said it pretty well that you should probably give more background as to why the kids are in the cabin. I liked his idea of someone finding the ouija board, and then someone gets a crazy, drunken idea to attach wires from the board to a 3D printer they conveniently have! Now there's an even more intriguing reason as to why we're seeing what we're seeing.

I like the idea. I like the characters. Flesh out the story some more, and maybe try and throw in some more jokes and gags to emphasize on the 'comedy' portion of the script. My humor tends to be different with a lot of other people, so maybe it just went over my head for the most part, and I can't write comedy to save my life (it's pretty hard to do so in the first place anyway). Quite honestly, I thought that the printer was going to end up printing a 3D dick, but that's just where my head was at ;)

Sean
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), August 8th, 2015, 3:16am; Reply: 13

Quoted from Zombie Sean
... a 3D dick, but that's just where my head was at ;)


Say no more, Sean. This is a family board.
Posted by: stevemiles, August 8th, 2015, 4:30am; Reply: 14
Anthony,

Echoing others here to say I think you’ve got an interesting premise -- could it be better explored as a horror?  Perhaps, but as you say, not your thing.  

Amusing payoff; though the dialogue of the set-up felt a bit throwaway -- light banter to bring us to the actual printer gag.  Think you could inject more humour into the first half.

Richard makes a good point about pulling the plug.

To be honest, I was half expecting a 3D dick to appear as well…  

...just shows what I’d do with the idea.

Steve
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, August 8th, 2015, 5:50am; Reply: 15
Sean/Steve - thanks for the reads, appreciated as always...

Sean - printer is hidden initially so you don't know what the wires are connected to, it's mentioned in dialogue (Pg 2) and then revealed when it starts to print... not sure I gain much by physically showing it any earlier.

Steve - I have a feature idea for a horror version of this, but it's behind a bunch of other ideas in the queue.

Both - 3D dick... plese feel free to write your scripts for this idea and get them up here, sound er... interesting ;-)
Posted by: cloroxmartini, August 8th, 2015, 9:47am; Reply: 16
The logline is a great idea. The payoff wasn't. I didn't laugh.

The characters, even though boys and girls having their own drink, sounded the same.

Is there a word that describes Kurt beyond what he wears, like emo used to be? I'd use that word.

The OS talk bugged me. I guess since I am in the kitchen I don't imagine anyone talking loud enough for someone in another room to hear yet they do and they joing the conversation from the other room then enter the kitchen. Felt unnatural. Most of the dialogue felt unnatural. The aside directions felt unnatural as well, folks shaking their head a few times and I couldn't figure out why and even then that is acting and responses as simple as shaking a head should be left to the actor. Everything they did and said, all the descriptions felt like filler to take up space until the ouija board fired up.

The key props for this are hard to imagine being present in a cabin. Maybe if it was Grace's parents cabin and she used to go every summer and now she's older and decided to invite some friends up and maybe Kurt had to finish his science project and just had to bring along the 3d printer. So they give him shit about it and about him being such a geek. Then they start talking about little things they used to do as Imogen is snooping about and she gets shit about always being a snoop but she opens a cabinet and pulls out this dusty, beat-up ouija board and Grace explains it and she gets shit about if from Dean because Dean thinks uoija is all b.s. Conflict. It then has your props in the cabin in a believable way and you spend time with that, revealing character, instead of empty banter. They don't even have to drink.

The rest, the printer working, even with it being unplugged is cool, but the execution, not so much.

I think this is a great idea, high concept, printing things from beyond, but you have to be careful because you could be caught up in something like selecting lottery numbers and we all saw Back to the Future 2, right?

Maybe one summer Grace's dad got pissed and tossed the game into the lake and the  planchette broke and poor grace went in and salvaged her game and poorly glued the planchetter back together, she was sad that day, and Dean says she did a shitty job of gluing, but it's part of Grace's story and then...the printer spits out a new planchette.
Posted by: Zombie Sean, August 8th, 2015, 1:10pm; Reply: 17

Quoted from DustinBowcot


Say no more, Sean. This is a family board.


Too bad I'm not a family man.


Quoted Text
Sean - printer is hidden initially so you don't know what the wires are connected to, it's mentioned in dialogue (Pg 2) and then revealed when it starts to print... not sure I gain much by physically showing it any earlier.


I got the idea that it was hidden initially with the wires, but I felt like when it's mentioned in the dialogue, it should be shown. That's my opinion on it, I guess I found it just a bit odd that even though we know there's a 3D printer, it's not shown on camera, according to your script, until it actually starts printing.

Sean
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, August 8th, 2015, 4:13pm; Reply: 18
Sean - thanks for clarifying.

Clorox - I think lots of O.S. talking happens in real life and there's a little here... in fact my wife just asked me if I wanted a beer from O.S. ;-) to me limited use of it feels/seems more organic, less like a scene is part of a stage play with everyone present and on view - just mho.

Decent point re printer being in the cabin, will try and work something in that makes that a little more sensible. The board is implied I think by the fact that it's a Grace's board given to her when seven, makes you think it's potentially Grace's parents cabin without the need to reveal it via exposition.

Shame the rest didn't work for you, ces't la vie and each to their own.

Anthony
Posted by: Colkurtz8, September 24th, 2015, 10:09am; Reply: 19
Anthony

Great opening descriptions and exchange, especially concerning Grace and Dean.

KURT
(sarcastic)
Oh yeah, it'll be fun, apparently.

- I'm not too familiar with 3D printers but it’s a cool idea that would intrigue the most apathetic/incredulous of us. Otherwise, it’s just your standard spin on the Ouija board. Thus, I'm surprised at Kurt's lack of interest but I get that you need to have at least one skeptic in the room.

“The printer whirs.”

- Where is the printer exactly? You haven't specified its location. Is it in the next room or nearby or what? A small thing I know but it would do no harm to include this detail as I presume you'll want to cut to it as it’s creating whatever image is generated by the Ouija board.

“The printer begins to create.”

- I appreciate this is fantastical but how (according to the script's internal logic) is it creating the image? I thought it would be connected to the movements of the planchette but that appears to be stationary.

“The planchette moves, takes them all by surprise.”

- Finally! ;)

Once again your fascination with technology is front and center in your writing. As with a lot of your scripts there is a great concept at the heart of this in (assuming Ouija boards to have a tangible connection to the dead) wondering what would happen if you connected a 3D printer to said board in order to physically manifest the image its conveying.

Also, I have to give you credit for injecting such vibrancy into your characters within a so few pages, I enjoyed the skepticism of Kurt, indifference of Dean counteracted by the earnestness of Grace and the just-along-for-the-ride attitude of Imogen. There was some amusing back and forth because of these dynamics as you created a natural, enjoyable banter between the four.

So while I was engaged in the read, engrossed in the suspense of what the 3D printer was going to produce (even among the most un-superstitious of us, Ouija boards can give the chills) it unfortunately didn’t really amount to anything more than a joke. Witnessing the cabin take shape was effectively unsettling and ominous as was the unambiguous demand for the four occupants to get out, however, the jokey punchline and laugh didn’t do much for me. I don’t know what I was expecting or what you could do with it but undercutting the tension you had built with a gag fell felt for me but I get that is just my taste and this is what you were going for. Others will respond more favourably, i guess I would’ve preferred for it to go darker.

Again, really neat concept underpinning this, just not convinced by where you chose to take it.

Col.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, September 24th, 2015, 11:06am; Reply: 20
Hi Col

Many thanks for the read and feedback and insights, they're always useful and appreciated.

Pleased you liked the concept and characterisation, totally understand your reaction to the ending - it does go for the jokey option, that's what was in my head when I started so I went with it. I do see this as potential for expansion and if/when I do get round to it then it will definitely play darker.

By weird co-incidence I optioned the script yesterday!

Anthony
Posted by: MarkRenshaw, September 25th, 2015, 2:21am; Reply: 21
Congratulations on the option, you are on fire man, keep it up!
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, September 25th, 2015, 2:03pm; Reply: 22
Thanks Mark, your support is appreciated as always!
Posted by: eldave1, September 25th, 2015, 7:44pm; Reply: 23

Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Hi Col


By weird co-incidence I optioned the script yesterday!

Anthony


Atta go! Congrats!
Posted by: Andrew, September 26th, 2015, 6:07am; Reply: 24
This is easily one of the best concepts I've seen on SS.

Most of what I feel has been touched upon by Clorox and Col.

You're of course entitled to take your idea where you want (!) but I feel you squandered it here. The first four pages was just too easy to skim read, because nothing is happening other than teenage chit-chat, which is fine with a throwaway piece, but when you have such a rich concept it seems inadvisable to misuse it. And then the climax just doesn't really hit the mark.

Seriously, I kind of want to grab you, shake you and tell you to rewrite this as something more meaty, more horrorific, and to take full advantage of your great idea.

Option or not, I'd start with a fresh script to make use of this idea. It's too good an idea for me to write some flimsy, sensitive comment. Hope you take that in the right way!
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, September 26th, 2015, 6:17am; Reply: 25
Hey Andrew, thanks for taking a look and please shake away ;-)

Glad that you like the concept at least, and you aren't alone in thinking I should take it someplace else, most people think darker too. But as stated, the script goes where I wanted it to for now.

When I expand it into a feature you may like it more as that will be darker, well probably.

Anthony
Posted by: Andrew, September 26th, 2015, 6:30am; Reply: 26
I'll keep my eye on this one because it's a high concept, marketable idea that we should be producing in the UK.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, September 26th, 2015, 7:41am; Reply: 27
Agree Andrew and if you know of any suitable producers please send em my way!
Posted by: Andrew, September 26th, 2015, 9:47am; Reply: 28
Myself would be one!

But as I say, in its current form, it's not something I feel I could work with, plus I'm focusing on features having cut my teeth on a short of my own last year, Wedged.

My company, Synonym Films, is all about this kind of high concept idea mixed with a model meaning it can be filmed cheaply and can be put together with a minimum of locations, crew and cast. That's the slate I'm building going forward - set to that clear template. Blumhouse have been the inspiration with the successes they have had in the US. But I'm firmly of the belief that the UK has a disctinctive voice that can work outside the current wave of filmmaking here that encourages US studios to film at Pinewood and the likes for tax breaks. Same goes with BBC Films, Film Four and Working Title all working with a select group of I-scratch-your-back-you-scratch-mine types.

Please fee free to send on any feature version of this idea going forward to scripts (at) synonymfilms.com - and that goes for any other features that fit that mould.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, September 26th, 2015, 1:31pm; Reply: 29
Hi Andrew

Wedged sounds intriguing - is it available online?

I applaud your ambition, Blumhouse have a great model and I hope Synonym can follow suit, I look forward to seeing your first feature - fingers crossed you are our next Hammer.

When I get to the feature version of this I'll send it over, in the mean time I have one other feature that may fit your criteria... I'll send it over.

Many thanks

Anthony
Posted by: Andrew, September 26th, 2015, 4:13pm; Reply: 30
No, not available online at the minute. Still working out what to do with it.

Blumhouse is all about the managing of costs. I worked on Miss you Already last year, and i heard a story from the director about Jason. Rather than buy a seat in first class for a long-haul, he bought a row in economy and brought a blowup bed. Now that's what you call inventive. The guy is remarkable. Blumhouse's involvement in Whiplash points at what they may achieve in the future. Fantastic company.

As you know, feature received and looking forward to giving it a read.
Posted by: Colkurtz8, September 27th, 2015, 12:48am; Reply: 31

Quoted from AnthonyCawood
By weird co-incidence I optioned the script yesterday!


Nice one, congrats.

See, someone clearly dug the lighter ending ;)

Best of luck with it.

Col.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, December 21st, 2018, 6:06am; Reply: 32
Ouija has been optioned, one of 8 optioned by the same producer.
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