Sam Gregory by Callan Woodhouse - Short, Western - Sam Gregory is on the hunt for someone to pull off a robbery to get his fifteen thousand dollars, it just so happens he stumbles upon a small group that could get him his money.  8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Callan,

Comments don't come by coach.  

There are more than a few problems with this one.  We open up in the desert at night where we see dust devils.  Not so easy in the dark.  What these 5 are doing there is completely unexplained.  The magic stagecoach arrives, and they beg for help.  But the one woman runs off with a scream?  Would you scream to call attention to yourself?  And why is Sam using a gun so early?  Wouldn't it be better for him to invite them all in, assure them?  Until of course he needs them.

Then, you can dump the scene in the carriage.  Doesn't add much.

we get to the hills over the town, and it's dark?  And Sam must be the dumbest criminal in the world.  He sends them in and waits outside.  all they have to do is turn themselves in, and Sam is toast.  

And Sam escapes, or maybe it's a ghost carriage.  Don't know.

There are writing issues.

other's should be others.
glaze should probably be gaze
try's should be tries
let's should be lets

and there are others.  You need a proofreader.  Read more screenplays and study their structure.  And find a mentor who is a good writer to help with the English.

Best
Richard

Callan,

I think the major problem with your writing style is organization. You are writing like one may think. Take the time to sort out your thoughts and streamline.

Gl

Tony

As I often say, you can learn alot about the writer and his/her skills just by reading the logline.

This one has a glaring error in it and what follows in the script itself is no surprise to me.

The opening Slug is incorrect and that's a big problem, as it's the very frist thing we see in the script.

The mistakes continue pretty much on every line.

If nothing else, this needs to be edited.  The way it reads now, it seems like it wasn't even read over once for mistakes.

Quoted from Dreamscale As I often say, you can learn alot about the writer and his/her skills just by reading the logline. This one has a glaring error in it and what follows in the script itself is no surprise to me. The opening Slug is incorrect and that's a big problem, as it's the very frist thing we see in the script. The mistakes continue pretty much on every line. If nothing else, this needs to be edited.  The way it reads now, it seems like it wasn't even read over once for mistakes.

Are you on about the comma splice in the logline or?

Quoted from Max Are you on about the comma splice in the logline or?

Yeah...it's an obvious run-on sentence...should be 2 separate sentences.  Reads extremely awkwardly and is a dead giveaway fo what's to follow.

Quoted Text Sam Gregory is on the hunt for someone to pull off a robbery to get his fifteen thousands dollars.  It just so happens he stumbles upon a small group that can get him his money.

Better, or?

Still reads odd.  I'd re-write it like...

Quoted Text Sam Gregory is on the prowl for an individual who can reclaim his fifteen thousand dollars.  By chance, he stumbles upon a crack team that has the potential to resolve all of his problems.

I'm not sure about the amount tho, 15k? Do you need a team for that?  Easy money I would've thought...

Quoted from Max I'm not sure about the amount tho, 15k? Do you need a team for that?  Easy money I would've thought...

Exactly. The stakes are 15k? Who cares. If it's a fortune at stake or someone's life then that's something you're going to fight for. But really, plenty of people have lost that amount just through bad management. Perhaps it's not reflective of the real story in which case that logline needs to be changed, imh.

Also, the title-name in the logline, and a problem presented and a solution given in that same log i.e., Sam's on the hunt and he's just found a 'small' team. That's the hunt over then, isn't it. Also, get rid of 'small' and get rid of the Name and just call him a 'desperate man', for example. Then add the stakes i.e., the 'what if' scenario, what will happen if he can't find someone to help reclaim his money, what if that team get him in more trouble than he was in, in the first place, etc. What if its ransom money he needs to save his wife i.e., someone's life in the balance.

Quoted from LC Exactly. The stakes are 15k? Who cares. If it's a fortune at stake or someone's life then that's something you're going to fight for. But really, plenty of people have lost that amount just through bad management. Perhaps it's not reflective of the real story in which case that logline needs to be changed, imh.

You ever seen "Payback" tho Libby? Mel Gibson ect?

Everybody thinks he's crazy because he's doing a bunch of shit for such a small amount in the grand scheme of things.  He's only after the amount he's owed, which is 70,000.

Yep, great movie Fen, and here's the log for it:

Porter is shot by his wife and best friend and is left to die. When he survives he plots revenge.

There's a whole lot more happening there and your imagination can run wild - 'revenge' is the key word.

I added to my prev post btw.

Quoted from LC Yep, great movie Fen, and here's the log for it: Porter is shot by his wife and best friend and is left to die. When he survives he plots revenge. There's a whole lot more happening there and your imagination can run wild - 'revenge' is the key word. I added to my prev post btw.

Yah, I saw that.

The script has a bunch of other problems anyways, and I'm not claiming that I'm holier than thou when it comes to this stuff, but it's another script which I wouldn't dare to read.

"EXTREME CLOSE UP" just reminded me of Wayne's World.

Did you both by chance read over the genre reference "Western"? I haven't read the script, so I won't jump in for the story, but inflation-adjusted those 15000 $ in 1890(f.i.) are equivalent to almost 400000 bucks in 2014 says this calculator http://www.westegg.com/inflation/
That's a legit prey for some bandits, not?
Anyhow, I just think that the writer is accurate with the 15000 thing and whoever chimes in shouldn't be given the impression he's done a mistake with that. Excuse me if I'm wrong.
Greetings.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Did you both by chance read over the genre reference "Western"? I haven't read the script, so I won't jump in for the story, but inflation-adjusted those 15000 $ in 1890(f.i.) are equivalent to almost 400000 bucks in 2014 says this calculator http://www.westegg.com/inflation/ That's a legit prey for some bandits, not? Anyhow, I just think that the writer is accurate with the 15000 thing and whoever chimes in shouldn't be given the impression he's done a mistake with that. Excuse me if I'm wrong. Greetings.

Legitimate point.

The writing is still riddled with errors tho, so who cares if it's a Western?

Quoted from Max Legitimate point. The writing is still riddled with errors tho, so who cares if it's a Western?

And the BIGGER point is that it appears the writer is not going to jump in, so let's move on.  If he reads these comments, hopefully he realizes he needs to try a little harder in terms of his writing, and everyone here at SS will be willing to help out.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Did you both by chance read over the genre reference "Western"? I haven't read the script, so I won't jump in for the story, but inflation-adjusted those 15000 $ in 1890(f.i.) are equivalent to almost 400000 bucks in 2014 says this calculator http://www.westegg.com/inflation/ That's a legit prey for some bandits, not? Anyhow, I just think that the writer is accurate with the 15000 thing and whoever chimes in shouldn't be given the impression he's done a mistake with that. Excuse me if I'm wrong. Greetings.

I did take that into account. Even taking into account what it'd be worth now - a word like 'bounty' or similar, should be used either way imh. Problem is more with the actual logline itself, but as Jeff says, time to move on until/unless the author chimes in.