A Debtors Dream of Redemption by Bruce J Fraser - Short, Comedy, Satire - A man whose dream left him in a standoff battle with his bill collectors and creditors. He evokes the spirit of Cagney and the strength of Bogart to fight the establishment and prove his worth. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Bruce,

I checked this out because it was sitting so lonesome with zero comments, and I like an underdog.
But even before I was half a page in I could see why no one bothered to write.

Your concept isn't bad, it's quite interesting actually but it doesn't seem to work well in script form. While I was reading it I kept thinking how this would work much better as a novel(la) or, better yet, as a play. Minimalistic descriptions which are a staple in scriptwriting don't seem to benefit your story or writing style.

As it is now it's pretty hard to read and there's so much wrong with it (in my opinion of course) I wouldn't know where to start on giving tips to improve it as a script. However, if you'd like to continue with it as a script anyway then you will greatly benefit from reading other scripts. I suggest watching a movie and either simultaneously or right after read the script. It really helps me sometimes to understand how other (better) writers translate their ideas into their scripts.

Whatever you do, keep learning and writing.


Sandro