Popular by Nikki April Lee - Short, Drama - A park strange gives a high school king an unforgettable lesson.  9 pages - pdf, format 8)

There's a few typos and other errors in here, and the logline for that matter... But there's something in this that I liked.

I think it's the gentle tone and the build up to the reveal... I got the reveal, but it was what I wanted it to be!

So worth a polish or two but decent effort.

Nikki,

Comments have no father.

This one fits nicely together.  I think it might be a bit too easy, a bit too smooth.  The conflict seems mostly forced.  A guy with a dog comes to the park and intimidates a group of teens?  And the one teen who decides to do something about it is precisely the teen we need to put into the mix.  the nerdy girl works for the most part since she knows John.  I buy it.  

And John needs to confess to this kid?  Why?  Yeah, I'm going to find out why, but I don't get why he has to confess it all.  And I don't buy at all that Brenton is going to change because of it.  If I understand the teenage mind, and I don't, I would guess that a big ego like Brent would blow off the old man who couldn't rise to the occasion.  Brent can and will use his popularity and abilities to grab the gold ring.  What popular teen doesn't think that way?  

And then we get the reveal.  Despite the fact that John has all the photos of Brent, Brent has no idea who John is?  It's obvious that John and Laurie have kept in touch.  Why hasn't Brent?  I have a hard time swallowing that detail.

So, my big bugaboos come from Brenton turning over a new leaf after one two minute conversation, and the reveal.  but luckily, they're my bugaboos.

Best
Richard

Solid. Great pacing, great message. Made me think of an article that spoke of the popular kid in high school, and how they turn out when they hit the real world. The twist was fine, I had a feeling it would go the way it did, but for me it was fine. Keep writing, this was a good one.

I appreciate the feedback. It felt too bias to let my mother or sister read it.

I'm not quite sure about this one yet - I will give it another read. In the meantime, a couple of nit issues mixed in with a couple of character ones:

Quoted Text A park strange gives a high school king an unforgettable lesson.

typo - think you mean stranger

Quoted Text The teen looks up to catch John looking at her. John holds up a hand to wave. She responds with a small wave and sweet smile.

Since you already introduced Sarah as the teen in the preceding paragraph - I think it would read clearer to use her name here. i.e., "Sarah looks up to catch John looking at her..."

Quoted Text John smirks at Brenton’s cockiness. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials 911. He hands the phone to Brenton.

Again - a nit - but if he dials 9-1-1, they are coming regardless of hang-up. I think it works better if he hands him the phone and tells him - go ahead, cal 9-1-1

Quoted Text JOHN Just another guy like you.

I really didn't care for the above dialogue - seemed unnatural.

Quoted Text John catch Sarah approaching them with all smiles. Brenton stiffens, his face flushed with nerves. John notices.

typo - should be catches

Quoted Text Sarah bows her head in Brenton’s presence. A fearful look on her face. SARAH The ice cream truck is here. I was wondering if you had a dollar so I could get a pop sickle. JOHN Of course, here. John hands her a five dollar bill. Sarah brightens. Brenton is frozen stiff next to her. JOHN (CONT’D) Get whatever you want. Don’t worry about the change, you keep it. SARAH Thank you Mr. John. Sarah avoids Brenton’s eyes and runs to the truck. Brenton relaxes. John smiles, amused. JOHN You need money too? BRENTON No. I have plenty of money. JOHN Then, why didn’t you offer to pay for her ice cream? It’s obvious you like her.

The above sequence seemed unreal to me - a high school teenager begging a dollar for a Popsicle??? It really took me out of the story -  - I just didn't buy the above as real scenario. I think you want Sarah to be shy - demur - nerdy - the way she is written - to me anyway - made her seem helpless.

SPOILER ALERT

Okay - got to the end and it went where I thought it was going. I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with the warm smile from the ex-wife. i.e., he still knows her but Brenton doesn't have a clue about his Dad? Seemed implausible.

Many parts were crisply written - I do think this is a nice effort - there are just some parts that are a bit contorted for me. good luck with this