Rusty by Jamual Edwards - Short, Dark Comedy, Horror, Crime - A hitmen team is assigned to take out a target, but they get ambushed by a bunch of bloody zombies instead. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Jamual,

some comments can come back to haunt you.

I'm not real sure what to think of this one.  We have no setup in the beginning for the zombies.  They suddenly appear, and these zombies are not the pale decrepit normal zombie.  These guys are macho and fast....damn, that is a zombie invasion.  

We start with a rather mundane and not that clever conversation between two killers.  And one is not really ready to kill, having nothing but a pistol...and some handy stakes.  And then, the dude can't live without a woman he never really had and kills himself after dismissing the zombies.  

There is no story here, no backstory of why they're out to kill someone.  The zombies appear out of nowhere, and the ending is forced.  Not for me.

Best
Richard

Dialog was good and blunt. Overall, this just seems like a scene from something else. As the previous poster mentioned, these zombies literally come out of nowhere...no set up as to zombies even being a possibility. This is hard to really critique as it's essentially just a scene. There's action and good dialogue...but it's missing key areas that would make it a story. It's good, just seems unfinished...keep it up.

Hello Jamual,

I just want to make one suggestion because the guys above pretty much nailed it, so I'm not gonna echo that.

The dialogue on the first page is pretty good but it fizzled out for me when it's revealed that Erika is talking about her grown boyfriend. The ambiguity until that point suggests she's either talking about a boorish boyfriend or her brazen son. But all the cursing and hostility makes us veer more toward the former. Personally, I think it'd be much funnier if she does in fact turn out to be talking about her son.

Her being a (long-time) single mom also helps make the transition of Rudy having a secret crush on her more apt. You should hint at this throughout the script, not just by way of sexual remarks from his side - most guys do that regardless of being in love or not.

Anyway, those are my two rupees. Good luck.


Sandro

Jamual,

I really liked the dialogue at the beginning, you did well with that. Unfortunately, that's the only pro I can say for this short.

You show promise in your writing but it seems like you still have some learning to do.

The formatting of the script is what gets me. I don't care if the descriptions are written similarly to how you've written the dialogue, but my biggest beef is your tense. It changes from past to present and flows sloppily.

Quoted Text RUDY RUSTY, early 30s, is smoking a cigarette, drenched in all black, playing around with a BLACK PISTOL.

Maybe something more like:

Quoted Text RUDY RUSTY, early 30s, smokes a cigarette while he plays with a black pistol. Black attire covers him from head to toe.

(unless you meant he is covered in shadows) The same could be said in the next block of description. Instead of "is also holding" you can say "She, too, has a cig in her mouth, and holds a sniper rifle with a scope."

Quoted Text Erika giggles while she looks through her scope. Through the scope WE SEE: A MAN on a cell phone. He has a beard and is dressed in a suit. He stops by a stop sign.

Those are just a few examples. Switching back and forth between tenses can be confusing and makes the script flow less comfortably.

As for the rest of the story, I agree with the others that the zombies show up out of nowhere. You should've had the man they were going to kill get attacked by a zombie, and maybe they wonder if someone else hired another hitman to kill him. And then show more zombies, and more, and maybe one of them notices the two at the top of the building and the group of "MMA zombies" swarm the entrance and make their way to the top.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

Sean

Hey, Jamal

In the dialogue in the beginning who is the camera fixated on? Because the exchange goes back and forth but there's no (O.C or O.S), it just reads vague. I'm sure you don't intend to crosscut back and forth between the two. Maybe.

BLB

Thank you all for reading my script! Its so cool to have ppl read my work.

As I reread this, I now notice this not a short, but just a scene...

I was just really excited about this story because this is the first time I ever blended genres.

I started as a comedy writer, but now I'm transitioning to crime thrillers. This was just a spur of the moment scene, no outline no nothing.

Essentially, this was just me showcasing what I'm good at and what I can work on.
I still have to work on structure, action (switching tenses), dramatic irony.

I'm happy you guys thought the dialog was good cause I've been working on my dialog skills for a year. I've been studying a lot of Mamet, Tarantino, Elmore Leonard and Woody Allen.

All my fav writers are known for it too.


Oh, the backstory of the short is the man with the beard is controlling the zombies (he controls a underground crime syndicate) and the hitman team have to kill him because he wants to control the world using zombies, but of course they don't.

If I ever come back to this script, I would have them talk more about the man and show the zombies waiting behind the door. To create some dramatic irony. Less surprise for the audience.

Looking back on this script despite its flaws, I really like it cause its so personal. The mundane convo at the beginning is a weird make up of stuff that I've heard from random ppl, even myself.

And it was also fun to blend my fav genres: Action, comedy, crime.


Thanks guys!


@ Busy Little Bee

I would cut back and forth between to the two. Close ups.

Hey Jamual, I kinda dug this. Maybe it's cuz I'm watching The Walking Dead marathon on AMC right now, but I see what you were trying to do with the whole Tarantino/zombie mashup. Not sure why they were all MMA dudes, but anyway... I just think the ending didn't match the tone of the beginning. Like the others already mentioned, the dialogue at the beginning was good, very Reservoir Dogs/Pulp Fiction-ish, but the ending got too melodramatic. Rusty's reaction (tears and crying) at seeing Erika become a zombie seemed out of place with the tone set at the start. Should've been a more comedic/indifference vibe, like maybe he kills her and goes "What a damn waste" or whatever.

Some of the action lines weren't needed, stuff like...

Quoted Text It looks like crime scene from a slasher movie.

Don't think the reader needs to be told that. I do get though that this is a more of a scene than a complete story, which is totally cool, my own stuff tends to be excerpts than full stories as well, but it could use a tighter edit. I dug it though. Keep at it.