You have a great imagination and this is a well written story with a cool concept that is well realised and at times reaches the intensity it aims for. I wonder if this fantasy world and story is complex enough to occupy a series or as the previous comment stated that it would be better suited for a film. (Also maybe suits the big budget required but I wouldn't think about that sort of thing just yet!) Maybe you could say were you planning on going with the series?
The twist that Aisha is the soldier from the start reborn is really cool. However wouldn't it be better if this reveal comes out later? It would mean some re-tooling to the dialogue and certain scenes but I think it would be more powerful and intense if for example we realise this at the same time as when she talks about it with Docherty in the sewer and that's when he decides to side with her. Also it's maybe better if Don finds out after this. It's such a cool reveal that I think it should be built up to better and be a more powerful and emotional moment for us and for Aisha to reveal. It's of course quite the burden to have carried for 26 years! It can't be casual at all, it's still hard to talk about and to live with and always will be.
Currently you can figure it out within the first fifteen minutes of script after the dream and spying using the telescope which I think is too soon and doesn't have the dramatic edge it has the potential for. Definitely leave clues ahead of the later reveal though. Maybe you see her spying on one of the family members but it's not quite so clear that it's her daughter/wife til later? Maybe she drops by for one more spy later on in the script? Or its how Don can find her once he knows too? The part where she tells George she "Wasn't always either." is a good line and another good clue to use I think. But maybe make it more subtle? And breaking into action straight after is effective as the audience can't quite piece it together just yet.
Heads up that the scene where she gives her coat to the homeless man was pretty much the same as one in Batman Begins.
There's maybe issues with pacing and sense of time, that certain events develop too fast or not long enough. Maybe I missed it but how do we know how long she has been hiding away with the ragman apart from when he talks about it? Should there be something like a change of seasons to help with that? Maybe the on the run element is better if it is continuous without the time jump and if he is important later then we can see the first meeting with the Ragman and show how they become friends rather than just suddenly have them be living together and that its been going on for a while? Maybe, she finds him in the shanty town and is desperate for somewhere to hide and offers to catch him food in return. And if you want the time jump then you can first show her catching the cat, then the season has changed and now he is able to catch food himself? This will also help with showing the time jump.
Also I would like to better understand the scope in terms of distances and locations. Aisha is found seemingly quickly and suddenly by the robots (it just seems a bit clichéd that they appear as soon as she mentions trouble you know?) and also that Don and Dochtery are also already there with them, I imagined there would be lots of robots looking for her, how are they exactly at that place too? How big is this city? Wouldn't she leave the city? Did she leave the city? Because it's a fantasy world it can be important to explain details like this.
Quoted Text "Son of...a bitch of a bitch." |
I think it's better as "Son of a bitch..of a bitch." if you want to keep it but it's a little jarring from the tone of everything else. Just feels a bit silly while the rest is very serious and dark.
Another thing I thought of was that yes its good to introduce the Doctor and George before they are killed to give some weight to the deaths but what if say George was just injured? Maybe he could be a good ally in the break in later on? Also allows you to keep another character in play that you gone through the effort to introduce.
I hope you find this useful. I think there is definitely potential in this story and I enjoyed reading it. All the best with it!