Slade by Justin Swartz - Short, Crime - Slade wakes up one morning in a bathtub full of ice with a note saying that debt collectors have taken his kidneys as collateral against money he bet on a "sure thing." It's up to Slade to get his kidneys back before his body shuts down by robbing gas stations & convenience stores until he has the money to pay off his debt. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello Justin,

When I read your logline one film immediately came to mind: Crank. I'm guessing you haven't seen it because it pretty much has the same premise. Perhaps even more similar is a certain episode of a show called Justified where a character has his kidneys taken out and then goes on a robbing rampage to buy them back. Sounds familiar, no?

What is the point of the voice-over? Because it's so in-your-face I'm guessing it's meant as a parody, but it just doesn't work for me. The VO guy has a bigger presence than your protagonist. I also found it to be entirely redundant, irritatingly so, because he just keeps reiterating things you've already described or things which could easily be conveyed via dialogue.

Quoted Text COOPER, 30’s, the man who took Slade’s kidneys, gets out. Storms over to Slade. Picks him up. Slams him against the side of the car. NARRATOR (V.O.) You remember him now, don’t you, Slade? Cooper yells at Slade. Slaps him across the face. NARRATOR (V.O.) He’s the guy who took your kidneys.

In this case you can't mention such a fact in the action.

And then there's the ending, which just... happens. The main event of your story is an all too often portrayed robbery of a convenience store, followed by a formulaic stand-off with the main baddy and then your guy (and your story) simply fizzles out.

Sorry to be such a downer. I do think you're a good writer though, so it's a shame you chose a story/concept that doesn't match your talents.
Would love to see you tackle something else.


Sandro

Justin,
I have to agree with the above posts regarding the V.O., it's just way too much as written. Your  action blocks are well paced and really good,  just overshadowed  by the V.O.

Ya, I remember that Justified episode,  except as I recall,  his kidneys weren't really taken. If anyone hasn't see Justified, I can say with confidence, best fucking writing on a show in a long time. I miss that shit already.

I would entitely rethink this V.O.

GL

TONY

I thought this was very entertaining. At first I thought there was too much voice over, but after a while, I thought it made the whole script different and interesting. I thought 'Just act natural, Slade. Nothing weird about a guy walking through a park with no kidneys,' was a great line and it made me laugh. The 'What the fuck, Slade? Don’t you ever listen to me?!' line came across as a little silly to me, but it wasn't too much of a big deal for me. Around the muscle car section, the narration became a little old for me. I mostly enjoyed reading this.