Marmalade by Ben O'Sullivan - Short, Dark Comedy - A sex addict tries in vein to get laid. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Ben,

Sorry but I couldn't get past the first page. There are so many typos and mistakes, reading it is like dodging landmines every other step. Your action is also much too detailed, and a script should never have paragraphs over four or five lines max. Your first one is TEN lines.

It became all the more poignant when I got to the dialogue because I could see that you really have a story to tell. However, the dialogue is just as riddled with errors and typos.

It's nothing a hefty bit of proofreading can't fix, so I'd love to see a revision of this.


Sandro

Ben:

The first paragraph is riddled with grammatical errors. It's hard to move on from that. You need to give this a real scrubbing.  

Ben,

Comments are asexual.  

I'll echo the others.  This is poorly written.  The descriptions are far too long.  Too many words for what you're trying to say.

And there are more than a few grammatical errors.  Even the spelling needs help.

As far as story goes, this one didn't interest me.  The protag doesn't make any progress in any direction.  The plot might work if it took the story in a particular direction, such as the protag taking more and convoluted steps to get laid, which would seem oxymoronic for a sex addict.  Instead, he waits around for something to happen to him.  It doesn't work.

revamp this with the view that something more has to happen.  If this guy doesn't go from A to B to C, then we really don't have a story.

best
Richard

Hey Ben-
     There are definitely some funny moments and lines in here but like everyone else had mentioned the grammatical errors are very distracting. To me, it seemed emotionally all over the place. The guy seemed likable with Amy or Victoria (you probably should stick to one name). He was a dickhead to Katie. He was suicidal which was a huge downer, probably not meant to be in a comedy- the guy stepping over him was funny though. There is potential but it needs plenty of cleaning up. Best wishes.
Vinni