Revived by Vinni Chiocchi - Short, Drama - A teenage boy seeks to end his unbearable life when unlikely acquaintances attempt to intervene. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Vinni

Holy slit wrists! That was depressing.

OK, first of all this is well written from a prose sense. You certainly can write but it reads like a short story, not like a screenplay. The details are way too much and way too precise.

From a believability angle it seems way over the top. There’s nothing remotely good about Alec’s life. He’s beaten from morning till night from everyone at home, in school and even as he’s walking down the street. Yet, he seems like a decent lad so what has he done to bring on such a hellish existence? We never find out. The story is designed to be as harsh as possible but in doing so I can’t relate to it at all.

The ending is powerful but again I can’t understand why Iskra hasn’t topped herself decades before, left, or killed the boy’s parents. It doesn’t seem realistic. If Iskra loves Alec, she should help him….not kill him.

It just didn’t work for me, sorry.

-Mark

Hey Vinni,

Have to agree fully with MarkRenshaw. The writing is good indeed but Alec's hardships are laid on way too thick. Even if there was a clear reason for the incessant bullying from pretty much everyone he knows, it would be too much.

And the ending is just a depressing cherry on top of the melancholy pie. It reminded me of a powerful film called The Seventh Continent. It worked there but not so much in your story. At first I thought Iskra was going to help Alec by just killing his parents, but I'm not sure even that would make things much better.

Perhaps it's still salvageable in some way, but as is it doesn't work for me either.


Sandro

     Thank you both for your input. I am new to screenwriting and becoming too wordy and overly descriptive seem to be my downfall. It's all still a work in progress.
     My intention with Alec was to display a deep, dark depression throughout daily life; so much so (like Sandro mentioned) that killing off his parents would be too cliché and would just cause further strife. I suppose you are both suggesting to tone it down a bunch. Any suggestions? Is it just overkill? I initially thought that simply potraying him as a mopey sort of Debbie-Downer type then the feeling sorry for him reaction might miss.
   Thanks for the read, constructive criticism and kind words. I'm still trying to get it all cleaned up.
Vinni

    
    

You're very welcome, Vinni. My early scripts weren't even half as good as this one, so I can only imagine the kind of progress you'll be making before long.

These types of "bullied/depressed kid" shorts are quite prevalent but very hard to do right. A young kid (causelessly) tormented to the point of wanting to commit suicide is such an unpleasant and volatile set-up that there's not much wiggle room for a satisfying ending. Some opt for a happy ending but that's often by way of a deus ex machina, especially when you stack your protagonist up against so many obstacles. A downbeat ending doesn't always work either because, though harrowing, it ultimately leaves the audience unfulfilled or even slighted.

As for toning it down; I suggest limiting the physical abusive of Alec to his parents. At school it would be more realistic if all the kids just ignore him and laugh behind his back. Maybe if Alec was a freshly-arrived immigrant with very broken English, then it would make more sense and add some depth to him. I think it would also work better if the Iskra character wasn't his grandmother, perhaps just a nice neighbour who keeps an eye on him and only steps in at the end when things get really bad with his folks.

That's all I could come up with. I hope some of the other members chip in here eventually, as I suck at giving suggestions.


Sandro

Vinni,

Comments often depress...just ask me.

As pointed out, this is too detailed to be a good screenplay.  You'll need to cut down the description so others can collaborate and make the story even better.  

This is a dark story.  The protag doesn't have a decent moment all day.  He wants to leave a life that provides little joy.  What is hard to get through is all the school abuse.  Even the worst kid in class has someone who understands, no?  Wouldn't there be someone who talks to him just to spite the others?  In any case, you certainly paint a compelling reason for suicide.  

And then grandma obliges.  

And I'm not sure why.  If you give us a reason (she lost her job or got sick), so she could no longer provide for her grandson, then I guess the last straw is added.  She saves them both the only way she can.  

To give this a different ending entails a different setup.  If you want him to skip the suicide, you have to provide a way out early in the story--a friend at school, a different job for grandma.  But as pointed out before, if the protag is to escape his life, he has to do it by himself.  He has to take the steps.  A door may open, but he has to go through it.  And it would help if he had some talent that he could exploit.  Art, music, writing, give him some marketable skill, a lifeline.  

Best
Richard

I'm gonna echo what other say

1. The parents should be dead.
2. Because both the father and son's name began with the letter A, it slowed my reading a bit.
3. I've seen people write just the dialogue in English then (in Latvian) parenthetically.  Not sure you need to do the full transation, yet.
4. A headful of spitballs is a lot of spitballs.
5. You have to show us what he's feeling, not tell us his inner monologue.
6. You went from a 12 minute movie to a 132 minute movie when he cried for two hours.  Sluglines would be the convention here.
7. I assume a thrown butter dish slammed his chest as he opened the door in the first scene.
8. The dad sleeps sitting up 24/7 it seems.

RKeller-
     Thanks for the read and critique. I am not refuting these things just explaining:
1. Yes, they should be dead but when tv shows, movies, etc get predictable then they get cancelled  or not seen.

2.Noted. Easily fixed.
3.Noted. Easily fixed.
4. You are right, it is a lot, intentionally because would anyone even care if there was one or two spit balls in our hair? Or is this the wordiness that has been mentioned here?

5.I thought it was pretty obvious what his feelings were through his mannerisms. This is the visual that needs to happen in screenwriting isn't it? Or am I missing a point?

6.I'm not sure what your critique here is...isn't there just a need to display a time lapse? The "actual" time is different than screen time which would get displayed correctly on film, no?

7.I didn't think I needed to explain after the THUD, wincing and grabbing of his chest, then looking at down at it, that that's what he got hit by- but maybe I do. Please advise how to adjust. Being new at this, I was under the impression that being visual was the approach for screenwriting  as opposed to explaining that Alec was just hit by a butter dish, thus creating more over description, opposite of what has been suggested to be reduced.

8.Yes, he does. He's a worthless piece of  trash. I am hoping to portray Alec being surrounded by indifference and hate thus causing his depression. Maybe this is a part of the overkill you and the others were describing. I will take note and correct.

To be clear, this aren't angry words or stubbornness. I want to be sure what I am doing and your thoughts are truly appreciated. There seems to be a ton of grey area in this field and I unfortunately I need things to be more black or more white, not in a racist fashion, in case that came across that way. I'm sure it didn't. I hope. Damn wordiness. Time to shut up. Thanks RKeller for taking the time.
Vinni

Vinni - I echo what the others have said. Specifically, the need to be a bit more concise in the descriptive passages. It makes the story appear more sluggish then it actually is. I think you can cut the descriptive passages by half. Don't get me wrong - they are vivid and would play well in a novel. They are just too over the top for a script.

A couple of thoughts for enhancing the crispness.

When you can, write noun - verb rather than verb - noun. e.g.:

Quoted Text In the dead center of a musty, poorly kept apartment hangs a swaying light bulb.

Try:

A light bulb sways in the center of a musty, poorly kept apartment.

Avoid passive voice - get rid of the "is" and "ings". For example:

Quoted Text He glances at his father, ARTUR, 41, who is sitting on a milk crate

Reads better as:

He glances at his father, ARTUR, 41, who sits on a
milk crate.

This is an issue throughout the script. Just a couple of examples:

Quoted Text She is pointing to a vodka bottle emptied...

Should be: - She points to a ....

Quoted Text Blood is streaming down Alec’s bulbous nose.

Should be: Blood streams down....

Good luck

Thanks eldave. I will take your and everyone else's advice and clean it all up. Thank you all very much. It's nice to know that there are so many people willing to help.

Quoted from Vinni Thanks eldave. I will take your and everyone else's advice and clean it all up. Thank you all very much. It's nice to know that there are so many people willing to help.

Don't forget to return reads and offer advice as well :)

Quoted from Vinni Thanks eldave. I will take your and everyone else's advice and clean it all up. Thank you all very much. It's nice to know that there are so many people willing to help.

My pleasure - good luck

Hi Vinni -

As promised, I just gave Mammina a read.  Apologies for this being so short - but in looking over the other reviews, I'm pretty much in agreement.  So I'll just highlight what I think is most important.

As others have said, the writing is very good - very solid... for prose.  For the story to shine through, you really do need to trim probably about half (maybe two thirds) of the description away.  That's just the way screenwriting goes.  Take out almost every adjective, and limit visuals to only things that 1) add significantly to the atmosphere, or 2) highlight some object or setting that will play into the story as it rolls along.  Do all that, and I feel that Mammina's story will stick out far more - which is what you want/need it to do.

There were a few other cases where you didn't CAP a character intro.  Some you did, others were omitted.  I'd be careful on that, though it's a small nitpick.

I write this because I very definitely like your prose.  You have the talent.  You just have to modify it to the screenplay style to get the attention every script needs!

Best and cheers,

--Janet (W)