Silhouette by Bernard Mersier - Horror - A innocent man murdered by his father for helping the slaves, curses “God” for allowing his father to kill him. Banished to hell, he vows he'll kill “God” when a woman with a pure soul wears the sapphire ring he was murdered in. 90 pages - pdf, format

I'm going right to the last page...

Sorry, Bernard, but your logline is just about as poorly written as they come.  Way too long and detailed.  Many mistakes.  Very awkwardly phrased.

I know exactly what I'm going to see when I open this up, and because of that, I'm not going to open it up.  

Ok, not what I expected.

3D optional is annoying

The following lines are deal killers for me. These are transparent plot propellant.

                DOUGLASS
          Fuck you too grandma! You mark my words
          God! I’ll overthrow you, when the soul of
          the purest woman wears the ring on my dead
          body! When I collect enough souls, I’ll
          corrupt hers, making her give in, so I can
          kill you! There’s no such thing as a God,
          or good deeds! Fuck God!

and soon...regarding Cassidy giving Samantha the ring...

                 CASSIDY
          You would think I paid a lot, but I
          actually got it for cheap. The guy was
          talking about some type of legend behind
          it, and blah, blah, blah.
                  SAMANTHA
          What legend?
                  CASSIDY
          He said it belonged to some guy back in
          the 1600’s, who was good to the slaves.
          But none of that matters. Try it on.

And this one...
                   LARRY
          When we get home...and of course when I get
          better. Can we have that threesome after
          all we’ve been through?

I get it's supposed to lead to the pure comment by the devil but can't the devil come up with anything more clever than this line of talk? Also, pureness is action, not talk.

The legend thing...how is the ring a legend to anyone outside of heaven or hell? Someone being nice to slaves is not a legend, at least not in my mind. Legend carries history and you have provided no history for the legend. It takes time for legends to develop, like Bigfoot, or Atlantis.

You can't just slap the legend label on a ring and call it good. The One Ring carried all kinds of back story to it's power, the way it was forged in Mordor, etc. I don't have that here.

Anyway, you got it done but it's too thin for me.

Hey Bernard - first and foremost, read some articles on How to write a log line - just Google it - there are tons of suggestions out there. Yours really needs work. Most folks are not going to read the script based on it.

I did read the first page. From that, I noted a couple of issues that you should check the entire script for.

Quoted Text INT. THE SLAVE QUARTERS 1650 - NIGHT A calm fire burns in the filthy slave quarters. The slaves are sitting at the table eating turkey and sides.

Active versus passive voice. Don't write The Slaves are sitting. Write: Slaves sit....

There were several instances of this on the first page so it is probably a problem throughout.

Quoted Text Slave one takes a seat beside him eating on a turkey leg. SLAVE ONE Thank you for the food master. We

You need to cap the character names when they are first introduced. e.g., SLAVE ONE takes a seat.....

You have an unnecessary blank line between the character 's name and their dialogue - throughout.

Hope these help

These first pages are very one-dimensional. They talk so plainly about what they're thinking and feeling, and it's setting everything up way too boring. No one just spouts their motivation that simply. And why is he talking to these slaves like he's telling them a bed time story?

I don't really understand what you mean by 3D optional. If the movie were in 3D, wouldn't it all be in 3D? And if so, the director would handle what would look best in 3D.

And the tone is so weird. First it's very warm-hearted, then it's just brutal, then it's campy. I don't know what to make of it.

Your longline is more of a summary, and a poor one at that. It needs re-working. I tried reading this but I'm sad to say there is just so much wrong I don't know where to start. A bit of advice though; You might not want to start the script off with a quote by you; not a good sign. Best of Luck with it.

Best,

Lono