A Killing In The Bronx by Basil Williams - Short, Drama - It's about two teenagers who had a bitter rivalry that carried over into adult lives. One became an Activist in the Community, the other became a Cop. MURDER has its rewards........or so you would think! 38 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Sorry Basil but I couldn't get very far with this due to the way it's written and the formatting.

A couple of examples...

INT. JIM (Jimmy) Mc CLAREN. DAY

INT means this is an interior scene, I don't think you are suggesting that this scene takes place inside Jimmy(?)... so this should be something like

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Next...

JIMMY grew up in the Bronx, third generation Irish Catholic. His father (Jack), and grandfather
(Joe) were police officers. JIMMY was expected to be a police office one day. The family were
well respected in the Bronx.

Remember, in a script your are describing what the audience will see on screen, the passage above isn't something that can be filmed, it would be okay in a novel or short story but isn't right for a screenplay.

I think you should take a look at some of the scripts on this site, check out those on the Shooting the Shorts section and see how they are formatted and written.
http://www.simplyscripts.com/category/scripts-available-for-production/

Anthony

Basil,

Comments can be deadly.

This is not a screenplay.  It reads more like a treatment where you describe the story complete with background.  In a screenplay, you describe what the audience sees and hears with very little exposition about the characters.  Remember, movies are visual experiences.  Work on the visual and you'll soon have a script.

Best
Richard

Quoted from AnthonyCawood I don't think you are suggesting that this scene takes place inside Jimmy(?)...

EWWWWEEEE, gross!

If you start your logline with: " It's about..." I'm afraid potential 'readers' know enough... You should-
(1) learn to write loglines at http://www.logline.it;
(2) read a shitload of screenplays;
(3) read books about screenplay format and story structure;
(4) use a proper script writing program.