Forever and Always by Thomas Brookes - Short, Thriller - After a one-night-stand David becomes obsessed with Lisa. he will do anything to be with her, but things take a gruesome turn. (8) - pdf, format 8)

Hey Thomas

Took a quick read of the first couple of pages but the formatting and way it's written stopped me going further.

I think you may be relatively new to script writing, so a few pointers.

I'm not sure what software you are using to write on but it's not outputting in a 'standard' format... have a look at Writers Duet or CeltX for free/cheap screenwriting software.

You wouldn't normally add the season into the scene heading/slugline... especially for an interior scene, we cannot tell it's autumn from the visuals.

I'm not sure I understand the dialogue being shown as DAVID'S PHONE, the phone isn't actually speaking, David is... so I'd just go with DAVID. No need for : either.

Have a read of some more screenplays and have a look at changing your software.

Good luck with it.

Anthony

Thomas: I got to agree with Anthony on this one. Here is just one example:

Quoted Text EXT. PARK. MID DAY. AUTUMN. A cold rainy day. Four girls are sitting on the roundabout in the park, one of them Lisa. They are laughing and generally just messing around, pushing each other and making jokes. David walks into the park with his hood up, desperately trying to avoid eye contact but still looking at Lisa. He sits on an empty swing and stares at the ground. Occasionally he will look to the group of girls but as soon as they look at him he looks back towards the ground. Lisa (17) is an average looking teenager. She has a light amount of make up; eye liner, foundation, ect. Her style of clothing is very trendy things like; skinny jeans, t-shirts, ect. Her think dark brown hair falls carelessly down to her shoulders. She’s looking quite distressed at the fact that David is also at the park.

1. Try not to write any description that goes over 4 lines - break it up.
2. Describe you character (Lisa) when you first introduce them - not later.
3. Don;t go overboard on description - it makes it read like a novel rather than a script.
4. Avoid passive writing (avoid the "ing"  words)
5. Avoid words you don't need - i.e., once you tell us Lisa is 17 we know she is a teenager.
6. Don't keep repeating the location (i.e., Park) in your description - the scene heading already tells us where we are.
7. Format scene headings correctly.


By no means perfect - but a quick example of the changes needed:

EXT. PARK - DAY.

Cold and rainy.

Lisa, (17), average looking teenager. light makeup, thick long brown hair sits with three of her GIRLFRIENDS on a bench. They pass the time with small talk and giggles.

David enters. He wears his the hood of his sweatshirt up to
avoid eye contact with Lisa. He steals a glance then looks to the ground
as the girls spot him.

And the above still needs work -

Look at some other scripts, do some research et al to get in tune with the proper formatting.

Good luck.

Thomas,

Comments can chase you down at times.

First, your formatting is not standard.  Action paragraphs are rarely more than 4 lines long.  Characters are introduced in CAPS.  There is no space between character name and dialogue.  You use wrylies far too often.  If the dialogue doesn't speak for itself, then it should be changed.  Adding a (wrylie) makes the dialogue weaker.  You might try finding an editor or mentor that can help you with these items.

Second, the story has been told often and better.  You have to find a way to make your version stand out.  As it stands, it has nothing that will vault it over the others it competes with.  So, you have your work cut out for yourself.  I would recommend that you read as many good scripts as possible, and you're in luck.  This site has literally thousands of good scripts.  Read them.

best
Richard