High Demand - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, October 4th, 2015, 12:41pm

High Demand by David M Troop - Short, Comedy - An awkward girl scout employees the services of her older,stoner brother to beat her arch nemesis in a cookie-selling contest. 17 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, October 6th, 2015, 3:54pm; Reply: 1

Getting an error when trying to open this.

Posted by: eldave1, October 7th, 2015, 11:44am; Reply: 2

Quoted Text

An awkward girl scout employees the services of her older,stoner brother to beat her arch nemesis in a cookie-selling contest. 17 pages -

typo in the log line. Should be employs.

Posted by: Athenian, October 12th, 2015, 9:59am; Reply: 3

Hi David,

I found the logline promising and the script well-written, but you can do more with this idea. As it is, it's a very standard "nerd-girl-vs-popular-girl" story, with no big surprises. You need a bit more of the stoner brother, IMO. He is the one who could provide the comedy and make things more interesting here.

Best of luck,
Manolis

Posted by: cloroxmartini, October 12th, 2015, 1:58pm; Reply: 4

Stepford girls. Funny.

Bud looks inside the box, sniffs.

Funny


                        BUD
          Plus, it's nice to have a job again.
          I can use some extra cash.

                      MARGARET
          We don't get paid for this.

Bud looks at her, perplexed

Funny

Joe gasps for air.  Bud loosens the tie.
                      BUD
          Nope, that's a real one

Funny

Like a pack of dogs

Funny

limps over to Margaret.

Funny and thoughtful writing

                      BUD
          Believe it.  I heard it when I was lying on the ground over there.
Funny

You had me laughing out loud all the way through. This is hilarious. You did a nice job on building the laughs and carrying them through. Relatable humor.

Posted by: cloroxmartini, October 12th, 2015, 2:01pm; Reply: 5

I'm still laughing...

Posted by: cloroxmartini, October 12th, 2015, 2:11pm; Reply: 6

Brushed my teeth, climbed into bed, still laughing...

Posted by: RichardR, October 13th, 2015, 3:00pm; Reply: 7

David,

Comments are rarely in high demand.

You have written a nice little story with a girl scout background. It's pretty standard. Nerdy outcast has to take on Miss Popular in order to win something, in this case a bike. However, she doesn't do this on her own. She has a ner-do-well brother who saves the day. I would rather she earn her own stripes.

Also, I would like to think that nerdy girl wouldn't need physical violence in order to keep her bike or win the contest for that matter. What I mean is that I was hoping for something more original and clever. But that's me.

I did enjoy the funny parts, and had Bud been more hazard than help I would have enjoyed it more. .

Best
Richard