Catharsis by Steve Russell - Short, Drama - A woman learns of a drug that will help ease her grieving. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

not saying they are the same, but yours reminded me of a script of mine which had a similar theme...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1382193448/

all the best

The fact that the two protagonists were both driving a black car on the way to their 'treatments' is a bit freaky. The protagonist is a successful women and I like Audis and those people always seem to have black ones...

I suppose there is another version out there somewhere with a character treating their grief with hypnosis that will dredge up the unwanted, buried past. I imagine I've seen that on TV at some point. I'm sure it's a fairly common theme.

All the best.

Steve: IMO, a solid effort here.

A couple of nits:

SPOILERS AHEAD

Quoted Text HEAD ON of a woman swimming breast-stroke. She reaches the edge of the pool, pulls her goggles up onto her forehead. She is crying. INT. POOL CHANGE ROOM - LATER The same women, SANDRA (30's), slim, sits looking despondent on the bench seat by her locker.

Just a thought - but to me it would read a bit cleaner if you introduced the character in the first scene. e.g., something like:

HEAD ON of a thin, athletic, woman swimming breast-stroke.

She reaches the edge of the pool, pulls her goggles up onto
her forehead.

She is crying. She is SANDRA, (30's)

Quoted Text DEALER (cont'd) You're looking at the future here, luv. And, you know, that don't come cheap. But I hear they're real good. Not really MY thing though. Don't really know if I wanna fuck with some of my memories. Know what I'm saying?

There is a blank line in between these two pieces of dialogue - did you mean to do that?

Quoted Text She is kneeling over her husband in bed, both hands around the scissors plunged into her husbands chest. Sandra's POV of his eyes are bulging, wide, unblinking. SHOT TILTS DOWN... His white knuckle hands straining around the scissors. He has stopped the scissors in time.

I think you need a word other than "plunged" if in fact the husband stopped the plunging. i.e, when I read this - plunged meant the scissors were already in his chest.

Overall - good stuff - I enjoyed it.

Minor distractions
- Why not tell us it's SANDRA in the first scene?
- The DEALER's line beginning "I seem to be.." is prolix
- Why "luv"?
- More awkwardness at "But I do like to..."
- Top of Pg 3: Did she pay for them?
- Why not give the husband a name?  You named MEGAN
- Top of page 4: Sandra and Husband are part of a church congregation" -> Sandra and Frank sit in a crowded pew.
- Pg 4: The action line that begins "Tears...left"  Has several issues.  As does the next action line, "enjoying public display"  And SANDRA's like "making memories" is not a reason.  I get this is a dream but it needs to make stronger points.
- How do we know tears are 'joyful'?
- The FADE TO BLACK and FADE IN are normally omitted from a spec script.
- Pg 5: How do we know they're cupcakes?  Why not just batter or a cake?
- Pg 7: regards the man?  This scene calls for a stronger verb from a 10-year-old.  Heck, MAN just assaulted MEGANS's mother.
- Pg 7: the action line "That turns..off him"  Is the SHE Megan or Sandra?

Major Distractions
- Why use a dream instead of flashback?  Perhaps there's some unknown connection between the pills, the dream and John's Death?
- And why not name John earlier?  Or is John the husband?  We're not sure who or how old MAN and HUSBAND are?
- The hero (Sandra) didn't do much except cope.  Or did she magically effect the death of John?

Greetings all from Australia.
Thanks for the comments eldave1. You are correct in your criticisms. Will fix.  I left a space between lines of dialogue because I thought it read better.

Thanks for your comments RKeller. 'Luv' is an English colloquialism for 'love'.  Too many others to address here, but I don't think you understood the basic story by questioning 'why a dream rather than a flashback'. Most of your issues are spot on though and I will address them.

I'm a director and I wrote this for myself to shoot. I can direct 'joyful' tears. Theres's a difference between the crying at a funeral and the crying at a wedding.

I like a certain terseness of action (and dialogue) in film. Don't really need to watch someone pay for something. Maybe I'm guilty of not explaining everything fully in the script but I don't mind the audience putting 2 and 2 together. More of a European vibe perhaps?

A previous short if anyone can be bothered...
https://vimeo.com/114121593

Thanks for your valuable input.

Steve,


Writing comments relieves a certain kind of stress.

There are some problems with the writing and formatting as others have pointed out.  A good edit and those all disappear.  So, let's go to the story.

SPOILERS
Actually, this is a story of catharsi (?) since Sandra rids herself of two demons.  1. She manages to accept the death of her daughter.  2.  She overcomes a clear reference to incest with good, old stepdad.  She does this through dreams induced by the magic blue pills, although the second dream seems to reflect reality more than the first.  Making stepdad a dream instead of a flashback allows the audience to question the veracity of the events--despite the neglected tombstone.  I don't know if that is what you're looking for.

Your bookend opening and ending work for me.  They show Sandra's growth and change.  I'm not sure about how hub managed to stop the scissors in the middle of the night.  The man must be a very light sleeper.  The image is good, the logic not so much.  If she's kneeling on his chest, well, I'll buy that.  Or if the scissors miss and hit the pillow, fine.  

I like the dealer, although you might explore making him more of a salesman, offering choices, bumping the price.  He's a merchant, isn't he?  And I would think Sandra would offer some bona fides that she is not a narc.  Either a referral or some kind of test.  That's me.

Good job.


BTW I watched the three I short.  I liked it.  Worked for me.  I would like to see it a bit longer with the device picking up a new owner with a slightly different story.  But again, that's me.  Good job.
Best
Richard