Manhattan Madam by CJ Walley - Short, Drama - Following a violent fight, a bordello madam faces off with a fearsome customer and finds herself torn between securing future profits and protecting her staff. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Minor distractions
- A few times you use your, when it should be you're, and ain't has an apostrophe.  This distracts.
- Pg 8: He binds his fists fuming. Meaning?
- Not sure the significance of the Thorello drink? He refuses, says yes later, then let's Rupert choose, with umbrella?  This is a guy used to being in charge, in control, so he'll gonna make specific demands and stick to them, and bristle at an umbrella
- A phone rings in the side-room. Was that a door bell?

Major distractions
- The dialogue vacillates between cliche and awkwardly expository, especially between Madam and Rupert.  He works closely with (in?) her so they would be more familiar, no?
- What's the purpose of the check? One of her employees caused damages, and he offers money in restitution?
- The bluff appearance of Cooch smacks of deus ex machina

Good
- Many of your verbs and adjectives are excellent: pins, canter, glide, balletic poise

Quoted from RKeller Minor distractions - A few times you use your, when it should be you're, and ain't has an apostrophe.  This distracts. - Pg 8: He binds his fists fuming. Meaning? - Not sure the significance of the Thorello drink? He refuses, says yes later, then let's Rupert choose, with umbrella?  This is a guy used to being in charge, in control, so he'll gonna make specific demands and stick to them, and bristle at an umbrella - A phone rings in the side-room. Was that a door bell? Major distractions - The dialogue vacillates between cliche and awkwardly expository, especially between Madam and Rupert.  He works closely with (in?) her so they would be more familiar, no? - What's the purpose of the check? One of her employees caused damages, and he offers money in restitution? - The bluff appearance of Cooch smacks of deus ex machina Good - Many of your verbs and adjectives are excellent: pins, canter, glide, balletic poise

R and others - just a heads  up - CJ does not respond to comments on his scripts (not even sure he wants them - it's just his thing/philosophy).