Frankie by Captain Walton - Short, Horror - A woman goes to extreme lengths to save the man she loves. - pdf, format 8)

Fun little attempt, with a strong vein of humour.

I have little more to say. There are a an awful lot of Frankenstein stories in the world. I didn't feel this really went far enough in a new direction to make me love it.

I agree with STF. It didn’t seem like Zach’s character to start going crazy, it just felt like the next step to go through when writing a Frankenstein monster. That kill was pretty radical though! The ending honestly disturbed me.

The cover page should be page zero.

Pg 2
"...young and elderly.." implies teens or twentysomethings are here.  Let's see how this play out.
You need a SLUGLINE after Zack speaks.  Kate is in the room.
ZACK needs an intro.  How old is he?  It's important.

Pg 3
Okay, every script today has a un-cladded or partially-cladded female.  Me likes.
Turning pale is an odd reaction to being jumped by a hot nurse.  My eyes would bulge.
He BURRIES her in the folds of his blanket. I dunno what that means or if that's an English verb, but it sure sounds festive!

Pg 4
Quite the smash-cut.
Kate has the scissors and says "...be careful" To whom is she talking?  This smacks of forced exposition.
It's out of character for Kate to drop a needless F-bomb.  It jarred me out of the story.

Pg 5
I get the gist of what's going on, but the needle is kinda weird here.
What will you call me if I'm back?  More unusual exposition, perhaps forced foreshadowing?

Pg 6
It's short for Frankenstein.  More forced exhibition, unless this PBS for kids?
The surgery is almost over.  Not sure this is needed, as she says "Done" moments later.

Pg 7
Who's eyes are wide open?  It's important.
Allow him three days to recover is forced exposition, a really egregious one.
I think you mean reflex, unless the patient has acid reflux indigestion.

Pg 8
Boob reduction and dancing.
This needs rewarding "Zack, naked, minus the bra"  It's Frankie, and I suspect he's wearing the bra, so it would not be "minus."


= = = = = = = = = = = =
Almost all of Laura's dialogue is unnatural and is only there to inform us.  It's often jarring.  Find a better way to tell us what we need to know.
Because we don't know his age or much about Zack, it's unclear why she's attracted so to him.
Laura doesn't call for help?  He confidant is being brutally attacked.  Or are you missing a scene where Laura and Frankie boink?
Kate's character is well-developed.
Unlike others, you followed the rules.

No need to tell us what kind of facility this is. It already says hospice in the slug. You can describe what we see, but don't tell us what kind of place it is.

Zach is bold or bald?

Zach sounds pretty strong for someone soon to die.

I'm having a bit of a hard time buying Zach's friskieness.

Page 4.    Intrigued by the head mentioning. I think I know where it's going, but I'm still intrigued.

Page 6.    Only two people handling a head removal? I don't know, seems like you would need a whole surgical team.

Page 9.    He tears her breast off?

I think this one could be turned into a comedy. It almost is already. I guess my main complaint about this one is that I didn't really buy Kate and Laura pulling off a complex surgery like removing Zach's head and putting it on another body.  I like the idea though. My suggestion would be to either play up the comedy or be a little more serious about the whole thing. Either will work IMHO.

Sorry for lack of comment, been reading on a phone.

One comment on format would be the introduction. We have to see the centre not be told about it.

Overall - it's ok. The start better than the end which drifted out of tone.

But he does say bobbies so thats cool

This is the first one I've read where I actually was like wtf.  That's a good thing.

PROS: Interesting start.  Liked all the characters and the everything flowed nicely.  Shocked by the ending.

CONS:  The shift at the end was too drastic. Darken up the beginning a little built and build the characters a little more.  Even out the tone and you got something pretty interesting here.

How do we know this is MEDOWGLENN unless we see a sign with the name on it?

If you are aiming for low budget, stay away from hospitals and medical equipment, they don’t come cheap; trust me I’ve tried.

The relationship between Zack and Kate is great. I really feel for their predicament.

A head transplant? There’s no such thing yet, is this set in the future?

A lot of people have gone down the Frankenstein route which has surprised me, of all the classic monsters I think this one was the hardest to do on a low-budget. It goes horribly wrong of course and the boobies thing is great, I just didn’t believe it.

Nicely written though, it just switches in tone too drastically in the second half.

-Mark

Captain Walton,

This is a comedy, I think. Other than the visuals of the operation, there's no elements of horror here. If it is a comedy, it's not my kind of humour. The punchline is Frankie ripping a woman's tit off and saying boobies.. Sorry, it does nothing for me.

The writing ok-ish. Awkward at times and quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

Hello,

As others have suggested, this should be turned into a comedy.

Dont know if it was ur intention but embrace it lol. I've had worse things commented on mines lol.

Gabe

FRANKIE

Script starts at p2.

First slug – the place references are listed in reverse order, always main setting first

Use a new scene heading for Zack's room

Well, it's not enough of material for a shooting yet imo. I like the vibe though. This Frankenstein script feels retro in a good way with irony and fun constantly interwoven with a bit dark mood. Well, like Adam's Family somehow.

The ending with the waltz reflects what I mean - irritating good ;-)

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) COPYWRITE 2015 - mis-spell or joke?
2) When she goes into Zack's room it should be a new slug
3) Not hugely convinced by their doctoring talk or skills
4) Think you meant reflex not reflux?
5) The ending didn't really work for me

Good bits:-
1) Well written
2) The idea had promise and head transplants are always fun!

Rules
Budget might be a stretch, not really classic monster

Overall this was okay

Anthony

A head transplant is definitely one for the annals of science, but one that allows a person to realize a full blown transgender identity is definitely one for the annals of Vanity Fair.

Again, I'm getting a slapstick/political satire feel here to rock the boat of the establishments' bullshit, especially the recent trash they're ramming down everyone's throat... God is dead, bow to the Drag Queen!

Glad I stayed with it till the end, the sudden twist of fate for Zack/Frankie was a funny resolution... 'cept the tearing off of Kate's " Boobie"

Zack:  "How so wrong... when feel so right!?"

OK, he didn't say that but it would have been acceptable at this point. I liked it, funny stuff.

In the first slug, "Corridor" and "Hospice" should be switched. Better yet,  MEDOWGLENN, is good of a location as any if it is that important (it isn't). Otherwise, unless there's a sign or pen with the hospice's name on it, I don't know the name because you tell me.

At first I thought Kate worked in the hospice, so her hanky panky with Zack threw me off a bit. She works in a hospital and not the hospice, okay, Still, Zach doesn't quite act like he's dying, unless quickies really do get the heart pumping  ;D

Dark humor goes a long way with this, very twisted. In a way I;m glad Frankie didn't go to Hollywood to Relax ;D

Re-animated Zack tearing his doctor girlfriends Cups off almost came off too corny, almost. A slight guilty pleasure with the end result. Simplicity!

Code This is MEDOWGLENN, an assisted-living facility for young and elderly who count their last days.

I had to do a double-take here as I at first thought you were introducing a character... but it's a building. Just put MEDOWGLEN HOSPICE in the slug. Why are you telling me this? This should be shown.

And what's with the end of the sentence, the 'who count their last days.' bit. Are they terminally ill? If so, say so. Reads really weird at present.

Code Kate's lips stretch into a wide smile. She walks to ZACK (30s), bold, who lies in bed propped on a stack of pillows.

Bold? Do you mean, bald?


4 out of 10.

This one squanders its potential.  

THE GOOD:  This starts off really well.  The young lovers in a hospice is quite bittersweet.  Then the revelation that Kate was a surgeon.  And we know that horror is coming.  There are some great possibilities here, and I was genuinely curious where this story would go.    

THE BAD:  Where this story went.  There is no way these girls have the slightest clue about anything medical.  There isn't an ounce of authenticity to these characters -- even if you are going for comic effect.  And the ending is a disaster. I would recommend the author go back to the top of page 4, before things fall apart, and try again from there.    

bert's grade:  C-    

Agree with the others that this may work better as comedy.

I didn't care much about any of the characters and not sure the story was enough to really give me reason to read through but I did get to the end.

This this one needs just a bit more work. Good job overall though.

Hmmmm.... definite pros and cons here.

Definitely written by a polished writer.  Very nice craftsmanship.  And the initial banter/antics between Zack and Kate is quite fun.  (Loved the Laura comment later: you sure he's not a transexual?) One teeny typo on page three: "burries".  

One small structural/story detail: At first I thought that Kate worked at the hospice, and was horrified that she was messing around with the patients.  But I figured it out soon enough.  And I think there *could* be more detail on the project that Laura and Kate are working on.  Okay, one can certainly figure it out - but it's pretty lax if they can switch out patients willy nilly.  :)))  And those two items are no big at all.  

It's just...  for me, the story went from poignant and touching to a crazy splatterfest in the last act.  That didn't work for me tonally - not to mention the fact that there's no discussion of test subjects becoming abnormally strong.  Yet, Frankie was able to do what he, um, did?  

So - great start.  Great craftmanship.  The ending just wasn't a good match.  IMHO...

Cheers!

--J (W)

Oh - and "copywrite" - is that a Mary Shelley touch?  :P

I was interested but IMO went too far off the rails - in particular to ripping off of the breast. You got this nice little quirky relationship going and ending that was just kind of like - what can I do to add horror, The ending didn't work for me.

In terms of style and pace - everything solid in that arena.

Writer,

This one didn't work for me. Someone said it could be a comedy, but I don't think it was intended to be. Feels like you had the set up then just couldn't really figure out where to go with it. It had a nice lighthearted tone to start, an I actually kinda liked Zack. Reminds me of me a bit! But the end just wasn't satisfying. It might have worked if the tone wasn't so light in the beginning. Laura watching him go mad in that room was actually sort of creepy, though.

Steve

The good news...

I'm not sure.

The not so good news...

Peeps seem to not hate this.

The bad news...

I'm out after the first page.

The title is terrible...sounds like a joke or something.

Pages incorrectly numbered.

Opening Slug incorrect.

Missing Slugs when she leaves the corridor and enters the room.

Mistakes, typos, poor writing, bad dialogue.

Which leads me to a grade of...

D-

Copywrite. Deliberate?

A woman goes to extreme lengths to save the man she loves... Only to have her 'boobie' torn off!

A tip. Be wary of descriptions like: - almost immediately.

Takes a while to get to the 'horror'.

Yes, it's definitely a 'head' we're talking about - the repeat of this dialogue rammed home sounds a bit comical.

it's a reflux - you surely mean 'reflex' unless he has indigestion - sorry, couldn't resist that.

Again: He tears her boob off?!

Not for me this one, but definitely unique.

Starts good but gets worse with every page, mainly because Zack's character is not buyable for me. He doesn't seem like someone who is going to die soon and the whole script doesn't pick up that (expected) sad tone. On top of that, Zack as a person who seems to handle his near death pretty well seems to agree with the operation, which doesn't make sense either in terms of a realistic character development.

There's many more illogical stuff like that. Kate tells Laura she couldn't do this with Zack, and in the next scene they roll him into the operation room. Artifical character turns without explanation all over.

Sorry, not my thing, but good luck with it.

“Bold” seems like an odd description for someone who’s introduced lying on a bed of fluffy pillows.

I personally hope surgeons never high-five each other over my unconscious body. It didn’t seem like they actually did anything either. Do they celebrate every time someone almost dies?

“Dying. As usual.” is a very funny reply. I’ll just leave it at that.

“Listen, we just operated on a dead boy.”  I did not catch that. His heartbeat started uneven, then got better. It should’ve been a flatline. That would be intriguing; seeing doctors operating on someone who’s flatlined, not reacting to it and then doing something to bring them to life.

I’m pretty sure if I had a bra on, it would not make my wife smile.

“ZACK: Boobies. Boobies in braas.” This is either going off the rails or it was a well disguised pisser. There’s been some humor throughout, but it’s hard to tell if it’s intentional. Even if it’s a comedy, we should know up front that it’s intentional.

Geez, why is this the hardest one to pin down so far? If this was meant to be a comedy, it’s quite good. Zack’s hidden desire is well planted and makes for an unexpected ending. But the truth is, in the beginning it doesn’t come off as intentionally funny so much as tonally confused. The parts I found humorous would mostly not translate to screen. I’d develop as a comedy and punch up the beginning.

Oh, and  “COPYWRITE”?