Seek (was The Strange Case) by Mark Renshaw writing as Balfour Stevenson - Short, Horror - A kidnapped women must unleash a dark, deranged side of her personality if she is to stand any chance of surviving. - pdf, format 8)

There's potential here.

I like the hide and seek aspect and the way it continually comes into play.

I'm a little lost as to what's happening though, on the first read.

SPOILERS:

I get the multiple personality thing, but I don't get the link between the rapist thing and the psychiatrist Office. Is the whole thing in his imagination?

While it treads some familiar territory...Identity, and The Ward, there's definitely an interesting story here with a little more clarity.

The logline isn't exactly inviting. Who wants to watch a brutal rape? I'd suggest changing it to something more intriguing once names are revealed.

Page 1.    His sits....

Page 2.    Intrigued. How did Alex switch place with the man in the straight jacket?

Page 3.    Fetal...

Page 4.    Is the man that calls him Dr. Freckle in the room or on the video? Might want to make this clear.

I didn't see a classic monster here, unless there's one I'm unaware of.

Parts of this intrigued me. I liked the Flashbacks with the constant counting, but I was also confused a lot. I think making this about multiple personalities is tricky when you have limited pages for the story.

The writing itself was fine and I had no issues with it. I was just confused a lot with the story.

Balfour Stevenson... Jekyll and Hyde?

First few action lines, nice. Well written.

Code The ADULT version of ALEX retains his freckled complexion. His sits behind a desk making notes.

Typo in the last line, his for he.

I liked that. Good story.

7 out of 10.

It's an interesting story. Doesn't follow the guidelines though in my opinion. Where's the monster? Is it Dr. Freckles? Or the pack of children somehow stand for the monster in your story?

So Dr. Freckles is the raped woman, right? He's trying to free himself from the childhood abuse this way, I guess.

In my opinion it lacks ending. He's trying and trying and then what? Then nothing happens. It needs some kind of resolution. Maybe a twist. But something in the end I think.

The monster is Jekyll and Hyde. There is even a part in the script where it mentions that the HIDE personality comes out. There is also a clue in the pseudonym. Balfour Stevenson is Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson.

It can sometimes pay to Google the pseudonyms if you want a clue as to what will be inside before you open it.

Found myself very confused reading this at first. It's got a very surreal feel to it.

I did like the grimness of it, perhaps too disturbing for my liking even if the rape isn't totally outrageous. The concept of it is disturbing.

The script is a little bit of a miss but I don't think it's that bad, perhaps just me not understanding much of the jumping around?

Still well formatted and quite disturbing in it's nature.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) A few typos, needs a polish
2) The logline may put a few people off
3) I found it a little difficult to follow at times, may be just me

Good bits:-
1) Very visual
2) Interesting theme and premise

Rules
Well it's got Hyde in it, not sure if he's a Universal classic but works for me

Overall this was well written, very dark and could be interesting if filmed.

Anthony

While I didn’t understand what the monster was while reading it, after looking at the discussion board and thinking back there are some well-placed clues. Hyde and seek. That’s really clever. This was really well written and had me squirming in my seat. The pacing is very tight and I wasn’t bored at all! In all, this is one of my favorites.

Also, just wanted to make note of the change from summer to winter midway through the story.  Smoothly written and visually interesting!

THE STRANGE CASE

A straight jacket's fabric tears because rubbing it at the corner of a desk? It's a movie so I buy it. Somehow it's still near the border – so better use a real sharp item. Easy fix.

Great image with the eye.

These switches are really intriguing to follow. In movies, I used to like it when they reproduce shots, changing characters/actors as in a case of the subject schizoid disorder.

If those switches could be delivered perfectly, with regards to format, readability,
and the meaning would be a bit cleaner fleshed out too,

then this could be an outstanding play imo.

Good job for now

"There is an audible POP as one testicle explodes followed by his high-pitched scream!"

I think you missed the memo re: theme, it said 'Horror'... not 'Trauma' ... as in traumatize the reader.

Unbelievably graphic, I'll give you points for that, and quite a methodical approach towards MPD and buried alters.

This is a complex weave, a spell if you will, and I would imagine you needed someone to talk you down after you wrote this.

Overall, I liked what you did here, and dig the style. That being said, I've read this twice and still have not (completely) unravelled the enigma within...

Bit lost with this one. I liked the usage of Jekyll and Hyde (nifty title, btw), that was a refreshingly inventive choice. And there's strong imagery - page 6 definitely isn't for the faint-hearted - but overall it left me scratching my head.

Obviously the multiple personalities angle makes it more complicated to follow, but what actually happened in the script? Alex was both a doctor, and a man in a straight jacket, and then the woman being raped... what's real, and what isn't? It's not so much a twist as a corkscrew straight into confusion. Did the flashback happen? Why is Alex both a boy and a girl?

The sheer level of violence makes a sort of brute force impression, and it was all weirdly compelling, but I don't really have enough of a hold on what actually went down to form an opinion of whether the story was 'good' or 'bad'. Hopefully the writer will shed some light once their identity is revealed!  

This was intense, surreal and fairly interesting. Somewhere around page 6 it becomes unfilmable, at least as written. A nice little turn the tables story, but I’m left to wonder why she didn’t unleash this before she was cuffed.

It’s certainly one of the more memorable entries, but I’m not quite sure it hangs together as I look back on it. What was the psychiatric angle suppose to represent? The switching of places? Is the moral of the story don’t rape a schizophrenic? Might have been an interesting angle to have Alex actually be an abused patient in an asylum. Maybe that’s even what you were going for, but it didn’t seem clear to me. I don’t mind the surreal aspect per se, but by the end it felt like something was missing; something that would make it all click together.

Decent job for a week’s work, though.

Balfour Stevenson,

As others have said, a little confusing. I liked it though. A ballsy entry for sure and it really hooked me in. A few things I still don't quite get, but with more time, maybe you could clear a few of them up. Well written and pretty good for a weeks work. One of the better ones.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

Kind of struggled with this one.

THE GOOD:  Dr. Freckles and Ms. Hide?  Points for an original twist.  Very nasty, which I like, without getting overly graphic about it.  You provide the proper amount of detail to visualize the more heinous bits.  The POV of the eye itself is kind of hilarious, in a good way.  Crisp writing, with the game as a clever framing device at its core.  I appreciate the complexity here.  

THE BAD:  You drop plenty of breadcrumbs along the way, but the path remains a bit too obtuse for its own good.  I think it is the iPad that is throwing me.  I just can't place all the pieces together in a way that fits.  I mean, I get it in a general way, but your full intent is buried somewhere.  A minor niggle, but if you are going to have him freed from the straightjacket anyway, beating his face on the desk prior to this makes little narrative sense.    

bert's grade:  B  

Confusing at first - but I got there eventually - granted - a fairly complex set up to write and done well for the most part.

Not sure about this meeting the criteria of classic monsters any more than the Boston Strangle or Jack The Ripper would. Are they monsters or monstrous human being?

Jekyll and Hyde is a work of fiction. One of the classic greats, right up there with Frankenstein and Dracula, imo.

I applaud the effort and the different approach to most entries but I feel like many above that we got a tad too lost. It's a difficult balance to combine complexity, plant the seeds and then deliver a satisfying ending.

Alex is after all, the shrink, then the patient, then changes sex - not a bad idea for a modern twist of dissociated identifies - into the girl being raped, then the psycho killer. I feel that it is a strange case  - sorry couldn't resist - of one too many.

Ooooh ... The word pop will never be the same, well in my head.

All the best with the revisions.

As good of writing this is, I had a tough go at it because the crux of this story falls on a rape scenario rather than how the character comes to terms with identity. I felt the writer decided to make this horror a little too late in the script.

I'm not sure the tone of a Hannibal Lecter visual matched the office setting. The flashback story that cut through this is promising, but weaving it into the ending was damn confusing.

+ Identity themed
+ That visual of Alex slamming face against floor... whoa!
+ Hide and go seek progression

- Rape is confusing, not a compelling trigger in context of flashbacks
- Good ideas that don't emulsify
- Ending shed no light into character's resolve... you can't force a horror ending when it's not horror

Huh.  A good writer is behind this (and I'm a little tempted to guess who.)  And - as anyone who knows me is aware - the raw subject matter isn't a problem for me.  Plus, I do give the writer credit for really tweaking the Jeckyl and Hyde concept. AND - I do like how you attempted to blend the flashback with the current scenes.

But - I'm not 100% sure what happened here.  Whether it's multiple personalities of a sort, due to a rape or otherwise?  And I do feel it just degenerated towards the end into brutal violence.  Not that I'm against violence in a script - but this one felt a bit disorganized for me.

Interesting take on the challenge, though.

Cheers!

--J (W)

Writer,

Yeah, I noticed the seasons changing as well as the story unfolded. Quite proud of myself as I caught on to the referenced monster withy he hide and seek game. This was pretty good. I got a bit confused as well but it was clear enough in the end what was going on. Ate his eyeball? Eesh! I liked this a lot, but gotta let it sit a little before I figure out if its one of my favs. Good work!

Steve

Well that was harsh. I was quite enjoying it then it seemed to get brutal fast.

I'm not sure this would actually work on film, it works on paper but might struggle when viewed.

I might be wrong, that's happened before now. Got on the wrong bus the other night then fell asleep. I knew I should have got a taxi. Hmm, I bet you're thrilled I shared that.

R

Come on then, Marky.

What's this one about?

Hi all, thanks for the reviews and comments. This was a nightmare to write and I only had two nights to vomit it all up. Therefore I was pleasantly surprised to see a lot of people enjoyed the story, even if they didn’t quite understand it!

Most of the comments are similar so I’ll try to address them all in this one post.
As Dustin rightly sussed, this is indeed based on The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson. For those doubters, this is a classic Universal Monster who has been portrayed by the late, great Boris Karloff.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Universal_Monsters

The story is divided into three sections, the Forest, The Psychiatrist’s Office and the Bedroom.

The Forest
Childhood memories. Playing Hide and Seek as a child and the first time the Hide personality came forth when the children teased Alex over his freckles, called him Dr. Freckle.  (Dr. Jekyll link).

The Hide personality remembers Alex as a boy because Mr. Hide is a male personality. Each time he briefly remembers, the details are slightly different. I realise the changing of the seasons and trees is not a low-budget thing but I really like the imagery. All it represents is the fact that our memories change slightly whenever we access them, so it can be something simple like the clothes Alex wears alter each time.

When we see Alex through the eyes of the other children, he is in fact a female.

The Psychiatrist’s Office
Alex all grown up as a Psychiatrist. But none of this is real, this is the Mr. Hide personality locked away in a compartment in Alex’s mind. The iPad is a window out into the real world where Alex has been kidnapped. She is being held against her will, raped and abused.

The Psychiatrist is Mr. Hide dormant, the guy in the straightjacket and mask is Mr. Hide active. Kind of a before and after. They briefly share the same space until Mr. Hide becomes enraged at what is happening to Alex in the real world and starts to awaken. His fight to free himself from his bonds and the room is symbolic of his fight to become the primary personality. He is finally, fully triggered when the rapist refers to her as Dr. Freckle and remembers when the kids taunted him with this very nickname.  

The Bedroom
The real adult female Alex is a nurse. She’s been kidnapped, repeatedly beaten and raped. She’s in deep shock, catatonic, until the Mr. Hide personality comes forth. Like the classic monster she has great strength from her rage and her fury holds no bounds. After injuring the rapist quite horrifically she plays a quick game of hide and seek, only to cheat and end the count early as he tries to limp to freedom - The end!

I am slightly surprised at a couple of the comments who said it was too brutal at the end. What do you think a classic monster famous for rage would do when unleashed upon someone who had been raping and beating them up? Suggest counselling? Ha-ha!

I realise this is quite tough to convey to the reader and even to the audience if produced  as it only all starts to come together towards the end. So any suggestions is very, very welcome, as I am certainly going to do more drafts and see if I can take this one further.

Nice work mate, as far as I can remember this got one of my considers.

Tall order, Mark.


So much going on.

The original had a male with a separate male personality.

Here we have a woman, with a separate male personality and the male personality also has a split personality...a dominant and and active side.

That may be one split too far.


However. Suggestions:


Have a think about what you're really trying to say with the piece. How do all these different personalities all combine to help the climax through to its resolution? What is the thematic purpose of all of them?

There's a bit of a disconnect at the moment, imo. You've got a simple story of someone being raped who needs to become monstrous in order to overcome the brutal rapist. You need to find a way to make it so that all those different personalities have to work together/collapse into one to help her overcome her ordeal.

That way she achieves a victory over the specific physical threat and also achieves a psychological victory.


Also consider creating a stronger throughline. Start with the adult Alex as a Nurse. Give us an anchor into this reality. Then introduce us to the new personalities one by one in a way that we can at least have the hint of what's happening.

For example. Consider having her blindfolded early on by her would be rapist. This motivates the cut to the game of hide and seek. We go straight from the blindfold, to the young girl with her eyes covered (or blindfolded herself)So we establish the adult Alex as the young Alex, then cut to the boy...so we have established the possibility she is both.


At this juncture it also occurs to me that you might want to put some clue in the game of hide and seek. Perhaps have them searching for someone in particular. The Nasty Hide character....because they all need him to fight the rapist. "Where is he, where's Michael?" (or whomever).

Change the title to something that gives you a clue as to what it all means. Like "Seek".


Alternatively:

Deliberately go further abstract and make it even more fractured.

Hope some of that made sense/is of some use.

Rick

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Tall order, Mark. So much going on. The original had a male with a separate male personality. Here we have a woman, with a separate male personality and the male personality also has a split personality...a dominant and and active side. That may be one split too far. However. Suggestions: Have a think about what you're really trying to say with the piece. How do all these different personalities all combine to help the climax through to its resolution? What is the thematic purpose of all of them? There's a bit of a disconnect at the moment, imo. You've got a simple story of someone being raped who needs to become monstrous in order to overcome the brutal rapist. You need to find a way to make it so that all those different personalities have to work together/collapse into one to help her overcome her ordeal. That way she achieves a victory over the specific physical threat and also achieves a psychological victory. Also consider creating a stronger throughline. Start with the adult Alex as a Nurse. Give us an anchor into this reality. Then introduce us to the new personalities one by one in a way that we can at least have the hint of what's happening. For example. Consider having her blindfolded early on by her would be rapist. This motivates the cut to the game of hide and seek. We go straight from the blindfold, to the young girl with her eyes covered (or blindfolded herself)So we establish the adult Alex as the young Alex, then cut to the boy...so we have established the possibility she is both. At this juncture it also occurs to me that you might want to put some clue in the game of hide and seek. Perhaps have them searching for someone in particular. The Nasty Hide character....because they all need him to fight the rapist. "Where is he, where's Michael?" (or whomever). Change the title to something that gives you a clue as to what it all means. Like "Seek". Alternatively: Deliberately go further abstract and make it even more fractured. Hope some of that made sense/is of some use. Rick

Hi Rick,

Thanks for the suggestions. Multiple personalities can include different genders and I would like to keep this aspect, as it is a great misdirect but I agree it could confuse the audience if not handled properly. I really like your ideas, the blindfold, even the changing of the name to Seek, I certainly will consider them for the next draft. So thank you very much, great ideas there.

As to what I’m trying to say with this piece, I just wanted to show how Jekyll became Hyde with a modern twist. In the original he uses a serum to trigger his transformations. I didn’t want to repeat the scientific route, as that has already been done with other stories like the Hulk. Instead I took a known mental illness, a dissociative identity disorder and used it as a positive instead of a negative. Alex uses it to escape the clutches of a kidnapper/rapist who (in my mind anyway) was going to kill her when he grew tired of her. As we can’t see a mental process, I tried to visualise the internal mechanism symbolically as one personality struggles to become the primary one and takes control.

I’ll have a think, you’ve given me food for thought that’s for sure so thanks again.

-Mark

I've updated the script based on some of the feedback, I hope it reads better. Thanks for all your input and thanks to Don for uploading this and organising the OWC. It's always a great experience.