New Order by Brian Stonker - Short, Horror - Ian is being followed. He only wanted to eat breakfast and finish his book. At first it seems harmless. But it ain't gonna stay that way. - pdf, format 8)

The thing that stood out for me most was how downbeat all the dialogue was at the point Ian and Gemma had been captured. It felt more like they were having tea and biscuits than they were in fear of their lives.

This seems to continue throughout, it gives it a really strange atmosphere.

It's not bad,  but the tone isn't right.

I'm confused. Where is the classic monster  in this?

Dracula.

Right. I'm thinking perhaps there was still confusion about the classic horror monster bit even after Don clarified it. To me that evokes images of Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee as Dracula, Boris Karloff as Frankenstein, the Wolfman etc. so the challenge was to use these actual characters - as they look in film and pop culture - in a modern day setting. I dunno, perhaps Don could enlighten us?

By a delicious irony, the only scripts I have read so far that use these images have mainly been the ones with a horror/ comedy vibe lol, and a couple with the Phantom.

Maybe the blond vampire in this particular script could be Carlisle from Twilight?

Brian Stonker -- pretty obvious what this is going to be. The logline suggest a comedic lilt. We'll see.

Why would he ask the waitress if she can see the guy looking through the window? Perhaps when he looks back after talking to the waitress, the guy is gone. Jars with me as is, seems a weird thing to say to a waitress. I imagine that people look through the window all the time, perhaps he was gauging the menu and prices before deciding if he wants to eat there or not.

Why is he running all of a sudden? The guy appears to be following him and he starts running. Why? Wouldn't you wait for the guy to walk past, or even confront him and ask wtf?

Also, if this guy is Dracula, why is he out in the day?

Really bored around page 6.

Not much of a story here.

4 out of 10.

Quoted from stevie Right. I'm thinking perhaps there was still confusion about the classic horror monster bit even after Don clarified it. To me that evokes images of Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee as Dracula, Boris Karloff as Frankenstein, the Wolfman etc. so the challenge was to use these actual characters - as they look in film and pop culture - in a modern day setting. I dunno, perhaps Don could enlighten us? By a delicious irony, the only scripts I have read so far that use these images have mainly been the ones with a horror/ comedy vibe lol, and a couple with the Phantom. Maybe the blond vampire in this particular script could be Carlisle from Twilight?

Well, it was Classic Horror Monster with a modern twist....the modern twist would seem to include leeway to change their appearance.

The theme didn't say: Classic Horror Monster in a modern environment.

Nicely written, I take it the writer is a fellow Brit with the greasy spoon at the beginning.

The setup was way too descriptive for me. The whole eating in the Café and everything that transpired up to him being captured could either be trimmed down or cut altogether. With shorts you need to get into the story as quick as possible. I see no problem with it starting with him waking up in the apartment and cracking on with the action.

Can you imagine during production them being concerned with things like him pausing to put a sausage in his mouth as he spots something outside? These are details that’s worked out by the actor in rehearsal and during takes etc.

The way the characters react to the horrific situation seems unreal. The dialogue is more like a couple in a sitcom discussing their latest daily lives.

It’s obvious the monster is a vampire or Dracula, so there’s the classic monster but I couldn’t work out why he can calmly operate during the day but still be susceptible to the stake? Personally, I do dislike it when people take liberties with established rules just to make their lives easier but that’s just me. Easily fixed though, you could set this at night.

I think this does meet all the criteria of the challenge, I’ve seen quite a few that haven’t, so well done!

-Mark

This felt like it was in a neighborhood similar to Shaun of The Dead, felt like it was in England, but at first I thought it was going that route.

PROS: Ian seem like an interesting character.  Liked the style of the character.  Liked the setting of the neighborhood.

CONS: Dialogue was wrong.  Nobody seemed to understand the direness of the situation.  Gemma was too sarcastic, they were frantic enough.  I also didn't understand why Ian was caught without giving a fight.  Maybe it was a tonal thing.  They didn't seem too concerned as if it all happened before.  Was this a comedy a horror or both?

This one didn’t do it for me. I wasn’t sure what the monster was until I read the discussion board and the dialogue between the captives was a turn off. If you changed it to something like the two of them panicking and struggling to communicate because of their fear you could have something pretty creepy.

Hi, sorry for the short review.

Yeah, this is s Brit

I liked the tone, somewhat somber which fitted

After that, it felt flat and I wasn't sold into the characters

Two victims and a mutual escape - that's a lot in ten pages

It's up to you but either set them both up for a interesting reason or go with one

All the best

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Not convinced this includes a classic monster
2) The reaction to being kidnapped seemed a little too deadpan

Good bits:-
1) Bloody goth colditz - nice!
2) Liked some of the descriptions, probably a Brit thing ;-)

Rules
Well I'm not convinced it's a classic monster but meets rest of criteria

Overall this was well written and had an interesting tone to it.

Anthony

First one for me. I'm going to try to keep all reviews short n sweet.

I think this is great! It's my type of humour.  And, I could picture all of it very easily.

Scenes Unwritten makes a great point about the Shaun Of The Dead vibe - loved Simon Pegg in the morning after/hangover scene blindly traipsing past zombies.

This has a lot of that type of vibe. Writing 'slacker type' characters with droll humour who act contrary to the direness of a situation and are not exactly bright sparks is what makes this for me.

The goth Colditz line is inspired, and I particularly enjoyed Gemma practicing stabbing movements with the pen.

Is it a classic monster? It's clearly a little soft sell for some readers who want the 'in their face Monster', but this is quite obviously Dracula.

One of the things we writers constantly have to do is come up with new takes on well worn formulas -

I think the writer achieves that here by posing the question: What if Vampires can come out during the day, or at least when the sun is not shining.

SUGGESTION:: I'd do away with Gemma saying she was having a nice dream. Didn't think that was credible. And I'd do away with New Order's line: Scared me. Just leave it with: 'Who's there?'

Meets The Challenge and I think it'd make a great short. Chuckled out loud at New Order's last line.

Great job, writer.

I think the ending here need to be more fun. Something twisty maybe, but overall this is great in my opinion.
Great writing and all, hands down my favorite so far and I read 17.

Sorry for the lack of comment though.

New Order

"Ian’s fork with the sausage hovers in front of his mouth."

That's a quite problematic moment. Very hard to describe a reaction of a character facing such a subjective supernatural event happening in front of his eyes. It's hard to write but the way you let him react feels not right somehow. Something like that blows our mind, we'd check the table, the fork... hectic etc.

The suspense is good, though I expect Ian to turn around and talk to the man.

" Once she’s out of sight Ian winces and
grips his bleeding hand."

Common he's full of adrenalin.

"rope with a knot appears" – nice deus ex mashina ;-)

" IAN
There’s only a few bits of me left
that don’t throb with pain."

I really like what I read but I'm not sure if this constant goofy dialogue does its justice to that beautiful dead or alive chase.

Good script. I wished the tone would have been a bit more consistent. The action is muuuuch better than the dialogue here imo. The script could be cut a fair bit if you like.


Anybody understood the thing with the fork? Was it the man's supernatural power?

Nothing wrong with a script or movie that simmers. Take Angel Heart for example, one of my favs, but like riding a raft on a lazy river of blood.

Yup, definitely a Brit here (or someone seriously messing with me), and that's somewhat of an issue when reading (UK) writers in North America... one has to forcefully adopt an English/Aussie accent for the humour to land properly. Alas, I grew up watching the BBC so I'm good to go, lol.

There's more than a few one liners in here that lit this up but, ultimately, I would liked to have seen more of the monster theme coming through... and crazy people.

Oh, and because a few others brought it up. Embryonic ooze, such as Tabasco laden runny egg, slowly drooling from his fork while contemplating  the shadowy figure outside as his potential nemesis... might appear more dramatic than sausage. Just throwing that out there.

Overall, I liked it. It's a fun script that delivers on the theme.

Writer,

I kinda liked this one. Still not certain about the monster, though. Vampire? Anyways, it was well told, I could envision the action. A couple things seemed out of place, such as the the jokey dialogue. At first I felt it was gonna ruin the story, but it actually made me root for Gemma. Was sorry to see her go. I liked her. And Ian.

I think with a bit more work and thought this can be really good.

Steve

Brian Stonker,

Something annoyed me straight away here, the calmness of the two people stuck in the room. She even knows people are dying in the place but kind of just shrugs it off. Weird. Overall, the tone in this one is very strange and even though they're being hunted by a vampire, I never got a sense of danger even though the girl dies in the end. Again, the strange tone is to blame here I think.

Pretty bleak ending, probably the best thing about this one. Found it quite funny..

Good luck.

Glenn.

Quoted Text His tee-shirt declares New Order

Not sure if this is reference to "New World Order" or the British  80s band I listened to back in the day....anyway...

Sublocations in an INTERIOR is one thing. Sublocations on EXTERIORS are another matter. When  Ian leaves the Cafe, why bother with the STREET? Might as well write EXT. STREET and be done with it. and then EXT. ALLEY. Later, we get from an INT to the BACKYARD which suggests back to exterior.

No nodding, please. Useless actions.
I guess Ian and Gemma are hunted by a vampire in daylight (?) it's never quite clear to me. The ending suggests hallucination, as Ian will be suspected of murder.

Interesting read, but i couldn't get into it much.

Nodding is fine. Why can't a character nod? It's not a useless action if it negates the need for dialogue. If there is dialogue too, then put it in parenthesis.

DJS, you also said this on Red Riding:

No nodding, please. (p4)
No scoffs, glares or rolling eyes. either (p5) These things are meaningless actions.

Not trying to give you a hard time, but where'd you get this idea from? I know a lot of writers regard 'rolling eyes' as being hackneyed in that we literally don't 'roll' our eyes but more commonly just raise our eyes to the ceiling etc.

But a 'glare' can say a lot, ditto a scoff.
Which silent but meaningful actions do qualify then, and how would you differentiate?

No nodding? What the?

Hmm. Bizarre. I suppose shakes of the head are out too. Keep your head still, for the love of arse.

R

Too slow for me. The pace needs to be picked up.

First scene is day - and this is Dracula???? Ain't he sleeping.

I think it might work better if Gemma was out of it entirely - your Protag's confrontation with this is enough and it might pick up the pace a bit if she were gone.

Middle of the road for me.

The title seems almost aggressively random.

THE GOOD:  Parts of this were charmingly droll.  The part with the doorknob, for example.  Gemma's self-serving attitude was certainly amusing, and some of the other comic touches landed as well.  The ending suits both the story and the general laissez-faire attitude the author seems to impart to it.  

THE BAD:  The bad guy is so bland.  A blond guy in a long coat is pretty much all we get, and while he somehow pops up anywhere without warning, he never manages to generate a feeling of real menace.  And that underlying flaw permeates this piece.  The tension lags.  The writing is fine, but there is no spark that elevates this story up to the next level.      

bert's grade:  C  

Hmmmm.... like the previous script (Strange Case), I've got mixed feelings about this one.

Honestly, I've YET to run across an OWC that isn't obviously written by a competant writer - which is a blessing in any contest like this.  :)

I'm not sure what the mean of the title is (beyond Ian's shirt.)  And I've got a sneaking suspicion that I might know who wrote this.  I'm definitely guessing someone from the UK, based on several adjectives utilized - including supping, plonks, traipse, matronly and meanders.  

AND - the premise is always good for tension (though a bit overdone these days) - ie: strangers locked in a room together under mysterious circumstances, and trying to find some escape.

Just - I feel it ran too long and could be considerably trimmed.  Also, there was just too much that was left unexplained.  Why was Ian selected? Nothing comes full circle here, which makes me feel like it's a single scene in a bigger film.  

My five cents.  But competantly written, none the less.  

Cheers,

--J (W) :)

And with a protag named Gemma?  Hmmmmm....

Quoted from rendevous No nodding? What the? Hmm. Bizarre. I suppose shakes of the head are out too. Keep your head still, for the love of arse. R

For the love of arse :D

Just spotted this...made me LOL ..oh sod it, laugh, in the real world  :K)

This was a pretty good script. Decently written, though there's some awkward phrasing along the way. The very first line for example.

It's another story that I think could've been better if the characters stood out more. I never really knew anything about Ian. At first I even thought he knew who the blonde guy was. I'm also confused what exactly he was saving them for. I'm assuming he does this a lot, so it's surprising he hasn't reenforced the doors and put bars on the windows by now.

I like the end with the vampire disappearing, leaving Ian on the hook, but even that has some problems if you really look into it. She wasn't stabbed with a steak, she was bitten, and it'll be apparent in more ways than one that Ian wasn't the one doing the biting.

So yeah, a nice mysterious and action packed sequence of events, but it needed some character development or motivation to make it feel complete.

Thanks to those who commented. A finger to those that deserve it. The British ones get two.

I might do my usual retorts later. If I can make them amusing, and I can be arsed. I've got a lot of Fargo and Please Like Me to watch, as I'm sure you'll be thrilled to learn. Plus the bloody dog is looking at me with that 'Get it together and take me out you lazy fucker' type face. The eyes are a killer.

R

I look forward to getting those two fingers.

Um....

That sounded better in my head.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I look forward to getting those two fingers. Um.... That sounded better in my head.

Careful or you might get a fist... oh...

Brian Stonker - Bram Stoker

I'm amazed some people didn't know this was going to be Dracula.

I liked this Ren. I also thought the New Order T-shirt was good along with the long hair and long coat. Screams vampire to me. Like that everyone was on their phones or iPads, but Brian reads a paperback. Lots of little details in these descriptions that tell us a lot.

Once we move out of the diner though, I think some of the descriptions can be trimmed some.

Gemma sounds a little too dead pan when she wakes up and then talks about the poor fella screaming.

The rest was good and the ending worked. It's gonna be difficult to explain...

Good job! Had I read it earlier, I would've voted CONSIDER.  :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Brian Stonker - Bram Stoker I'm amazed some people didn't know this was going to be Dracula.

Yes. Some people are real dumbarses, aren't they? Thankfully, you, me and a few others manage to stop it seeming like throwing out time at the pub around here. That reminds me, must get a kebab later.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I liked this Ren. I also thought the New Order T-shirt was good along with the long hair and long coat. Screams vampire to me. Like that everyone was on their phones or iPads, but Brian reads a paperback. Lots of little details in these descriptions that tell us a lot.

Why thank you, Angry. Most observant and wise.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Once we move out of the diner though, I think some of the descriptions can be trimmed some.

This is usually where I put the biscuits away and point towards the door, but I'm inclined to agree for a change, as you're sadly not alone.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Gemma sounds a little too dead pan when she wakes up and then talks about the poor fella screaming.

I was of the idea she'd been there quite a while, so she's jaded and sick of it, rather than fearful. This idea didn't go down well.

Quoted from Grandma Bear The rest was good and the ending worked. It's gonna be difficult to explain... Good job! Had I read it earlier, I would've voted CONSIDER.  :)

Many thanks. You'll have to do with a rich tea, a Recommend would have got you a coupla Jaffas and a garibaldi. Now, I'm off to get that kebab. I'll bring me baseball bat as it can get a bit tricky down there.

R

For a change I thought I might just rewrite this and present it back here, rather than doing what I normally do and just slagging off my biggest OWC critics with what passes for sarcasm and wit round my way.

Sometimes it reaches further. Sometimes not. But it might raise a giggle in an unexpected and distant place. Such is my desire. For a giggle I mean. Steady.

I know, I can almost hear the bated breaths out there awaiting and astounded as you salivate and count the minutes until its arrival. Even Apple and their new product people look on with a jealousy so fierce in their eyes.

Nevertheless, there was one comment that cannot go unmentioned...

Quoted from PrussianMosby New Order "Ian’s fork with the sausage hovers in front of his mouth." That's a quite problematic moment. Very hard to describe a reaction of a character facing such a subjective supernatural event happening in front of his eyes. It's hard to write but the way you let him react feels not right somehow. Something like that blows our mind, we'd check the table, the fork... hectic etc.

Ahuh. You seem to think this went supernatural in a greasy spoon type place. I can now see Jim Carrey parting a bowl of soup with his new godlike powers in Bruce Almighty.

Erm no. I just meant he held it there. On his fork. It wasn't actually hovering like a helicopter does.

But obviously the meaning got confused there along the way. At first I was gonna take the piss. The very idea...

But then, given the nature of the challenge, it's not so mad an idea.

Just goes to show, when there's so many scripts to read, sometimes you do need to write a little more carefully. Advice I should take myself more often.

I'm not very good at taking advice though. I'm sorry piggies, but if you think I'm stopping with the bacon, then think again. Carcinogenic my arse. I'll be out in the woods under a blanket with the cigarettes and the rashers. See you there maybe.

R

I'm definitely sorry about misunderstanding what happened in your script. I usually look back into the parts of the script I comment on.

And I seem to have read the introduction of happenings inattentively here.

perhaps

saying his fork still hovers,repeatedly

And Ian finally saying to the waitress: Hey, you see that
     
distracted me

since I don't know why he should ask the waitress if she also sees that odd fucker outside.