ScaryBirthday by Bela Lugosi - Short, Horror - Sam invites Hank to the theater for his birthday, but one should never underestimate a flu. - pdf, format 8)

The title is kind of weird.  Sounds like Goosebumps.

THE GOOD:  When Hank awakens alone in the deserted theater, that is an inspired scene.  And you make good, creative use of the theater setting.  You also wrapped things up well.  Even though you can kind of see the ending coming, doesn't mean you can't enjoy it.

THE BAD: The fight scenes contain far too many specific details for me, and become tedious rather than exciting.  It is fine to describe things in a general way to keep things moving along at a good pace.  Odd word choices throughout, particularly "longs," used multiple times.  You've got spelling errors, too, which I never understand these days.  

bert’s grade:  C+    

Not bad.

However, and maybe I've misread this, but:


SPOILERS


I don't really follow the logic of it. How he could have got out of his seat whilst sat next to his wife and done what it seems he's done?

You'd do well to film this convincingly on a low budget as well. Maybe it's possible, but definitely a stretch.

SPOILERS

Pg 1
Transylvania, unless you're making up a new location.
Did it "once arrived" or simply "arrived". Is the ship important?

Pg 2
Gives Sam's elbow a KICK?  She's very flexible.

Pg 3
The play seems forced, comedic.
..sees Dracula stangING there, staring at him.  (The words "with a straight face" are prolix. Omit needless words)
his direction -> towards Hank
arrives at WHICH door?  The word "exit" may work here, if that's your intent.

Pg 4
Sorry, I dunno what a WARDROBE TRANSITION nor a requisite room are.
You need a SLUGLINE when he transitions from the transition room to the requisite area/room.
And another SLUGLINE when he enters the stairs.
The lighting is inconsistent.  He cannot see the stage but notices the hall (seats?) are empty and can see the other side of the stage?  I'm confused.
Wow, then it's unlit.
There's a spatial description problem.  Though directly above the stage, Dracula descends from the theater hall roof. I get it, but changing a few words would make it more clear and less work for me to visualize.
Mixed metaphor: turns around like an arrow?  Arrows, by definition, go straight, no?  I ain't never seen an arrow make a U-turn.
I dunno how one would overexpand an arm.
Sorry, another spatial problem.  You have Dracula’s hand at Hank's throat and they're facing each other.  Is Dracula gonna bite Hank's neck or his own hand?  It's important.
Okay, perhaps English is not your first language.  I'll stop the nit-picking on your phrasing. You spelling of "defenceless" suggest European.
You have Hank landing prone on a weapon.  At first, I thought he was stabbed.
Is the dagger wooden?

= = = = = = = =
Okay, ya got me with the dream sequence and flu medication. Well done.
Again, some of your phrasing suggests a learned English, so I hope I didn't insult you in any way.
Except for a theater-full of people, this is indeed low budget.  You followed the rules.
One of the better reads. Thanks.

Cool premise this and pretty well written, though no way in the wide is it low budget. Unless you rewrote it to be a school play in a school hall.

Nice job and good to see a real classic monster!

Not really low budget but it was nicely written. It would be hard to get across Dracula looking at one person in the audience. I think you could cut this, as an actor looking out into the audience would seem to be looking directly at lots of people in his line of sight and not seem weird.

It’s a nice touch for him to wake up alone, that would be a tense, atmospheric scene.

The fighting was too specific, I started to skim through the action. I also don’t know if you intended it or not but Dracula’s reactions were so melodramatic they seemed funny. It seems weird that Dracula would make an UNNATURAL GASP from a head-butt for example.

The ending ‘It’s all a dream, but is it?’ – didn’t make sense to me.

-Mark

I really like the title.  Side note: I hate people who go to the theater or cinema and are sick.  Its a pet peeve. I didn't hold it against the character though ;)

PROS: Nice setting.  I liked that it was in the theater and I think this would be a great short visually with the play within the movie.  The first half has a nice flow to it.  I liked the ending.

CONS: Dialogue nees a little work.  Once he awakens in the dream way too much description and action, very tedious.  Not sure if this is low budget.

Enjoyed this one overall.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) There's a few typos, misused words etc, nothing that an extra polish wouldn't fix
2) The fight seemed a little over long
3) You can't normally kill vampire with daggers, stakes are the preferred weapon of choice ;-)
4) kinda could see where it was going

Good bits:-
1) Loved the empty theatre, arresting image
2) Well written and paced

Rules
Well it's got a classic monster, is horror, right page length... budget - maybe

Overall this is well written and I liked it

Anthony

SCARY BIRTHDAY

P2 Henry?

"Doing so, he stares right into Hank's eyes with a piercing look." – good image; a lot of stuff like that within your script would work very good on screen

I'd think that Hank says something while Dracula chases him.

It's a good story and I even like the whole "it's all been a dream twist" because it happens in a theater.

I dislike two things – the title is so generic and says nothing about the script, Dracula or the location, which is the heart of the story imo – whereas his birthday is just the unseen motivation to go there. Second: the final twist does not work that way, it's just unexplained and feels non organic. I know that you're trying a second ending and the decision is absolute right, it just seems your final choice wasn't the right one. There must be a better alternative.

Otherwise
good action
a fair bit of scare

I thought this must be an awesome project for a director of photography

Entertaining read

The good news...

Peeps seem to like this or are at least being nice.

The not so good news...

The writing is fairly weak and dull.

The story is slow and dull.

The bad news...

I stopped at the end of Page 2.

You're missing so many Slugs, it's downright amazing...as if the stage and the audience are all one same shot.

Many writing errors, spelling mistakes, etc.

Dialogue and characters are cardboard cutouts and completely unrealistic.

Finally...the title is terrible...seems like a young child's kind of movie.

Which leads me to a grade of...

D

This is a surely a unique and clever take on the theme, and I’m a huge advocate for anything remotely ‘Van Helsing’…

Unfortunately, I found myself scanning more than a few pages. There’s just way too much action going on that could (easily) be broken up with a little dialog. Even subtle reprisals like Dracula trying to gag Hank with his own snot rag… “How do YOU like it?!”

That being said, a play of this magnitude might even rival the audience participation of ‘The Incredible Burt Wonderstone’… or maybe not, but it definitely would be entertaining, like a grand scale dinner theater.

Quick thoughts

A dream scene at a show is a good idea BUT not this way, IMO.  I knew this was a dream. So, why not have the dream whilst the audience is there - like an out of body experience. Scream but they cant hear. Who's losing it now etc can the monster work in a different medium and what does that do??

Heavy on the action  - keep it lean and dynamic

This has something though

Should be a Dracula story. Had surprisingly few of these. Logline doesn't suck me in.

Writing not as active as it could be. Overwriting, underwriting.

Code HANK Good idea with the theater, it's been a while since we watched a play together.

Unnecessary exposition.

Code Hanks smiles, Sam smiles back and kisses him softly on the cheek.

An orphan on your first page that comes from a completely unnecessary line of action. If the action was necessary it wouldn't be worth pointing out. As it isn't, it is.

Code An old ACTOR with long white hair under a cowboy hat, wearing a long trenchcoat and heavy boots steps out on the stage.

Avoid repeating certain words. Like 'long' in this case. Your comma usage is poor.

Code Another burst of APPLAUSE welcomes him.

You don't need 'welcomes him'.

Code VAN HELSING (pretentious) An evil creature walks abroad and brings terror and death. From the tundra of Transilvania it once arrived here in England with a ship and it's thirst for blood has been unappeased ever since. I swear by god, I, Gabriel Van Helsing will hunt this demon down even if it's the last thing I will ever do.

Really bad dialogue.

Code VAN HELSING walks off and the play begins.

He hasn't been introduced yet. Walks off from where?

I'm not going to read page 2.

1 out of 10.

Bela Lugosi,

Have to say it, horrible title IMO.

40ies (40s)

Page 2 and it's becoming a tough read.

Page 4 and I'm out, sorry. Writing is pretty bad here, with many mistakes, making it hard to get through. The story isn't interesting me either, sadly. I know a week is a short time to write something but this feels very, very rushed. Not one for me.

Good luck.

Glenn.

I was with this in the original set-up looking forward to the completion of the story - However, the 3 or 4 pages of detailed action scenes just got tedious - I am sure this will read much better once that all is tightened up/condensed.

Few things I baulked at but not too shabby, pretty entertaining, and a creative take on the challenge. I could get picky re some passages of dialogue and description, but at this stage I won't.

Re Rick's comment - how Hank can get from his seat to do what he does - well, logic doesn't always follow in screenwriting or movies, plus we're in the land of the supernatural and horror, so I'll go with it.

Writer,

Not a bad story. Went on a wee but too long, but the writing was decent and I felt connected to Hank, feeling a tad under the weather myself. However, the ending didn't really have the "oomph" necessary to carry this story. It was a decent effort, but falls short in the end.

Steve

Hmmmm.  Well, I love the logline on this one.  And it's a fun premise that you can/should continue to explore.

For me, the writing style made me feel that the author is relatively new to screenwriting.  There's alot of passive (this "is", that "is") sentence structure - and unnecessary adjectives.

For instance:

Hank's eyes are half opened and red, he coughs. (Versus - perhaps - Hank opens his reddened eyes. He COUGHS.)
Or: Hank startles up as the audience applauds. (Versus - something like - the audience applauds. A startled Hank jumps up - awake!)
And... just one more: aggressively janks?  Janks is a typo - and aggressively is not needed.  Yanks implies aggression.

Re: action - I'd definitely trim alot of this and tighten it up.

All that said, it's a fun twist at the end... worth polishing the story for.

Cheers,

--J (W)

I'm with the majority here about the action scene being too long and little tedious.  I did like the beginning and waking in an empty theater would be a bit unnerving, but the middle dragged.  The ending was decent though.
Didn't like the title either, sorry.

'40ies'? Fortyies? Not sure about that one.

The theatre bit was well done, I could see that working.

A very different idea and unusual script. Kudos there, as a lot of other scripts were similar in approach. I admire the orginality.

Quoted from Scary Birthday Hank frowns and gives Sam's elbow a kick.

Things like this take me out of the story. It sounds like he stood up and kicked her elbow. Which is quite an image, though I doubt you meant it.

There's lots of bits that need polishing and revampiring, sorry, revamping. With some polish and work this would work well. Like my new hair gel. Ooooh.

R

Smashed by the 'maestros' - my heart is bleeding. I'll take bert's C+ and just ignore Dustin and Dreamscale :-)

Thanks all for reading and commenting and congrats to the winners!

I just read yours since I didn't get to it during the OWC.

First of all, your script did not come in last. They are listed in alphabetical order.  :)

I liked this one. I like stories where in the end, you're not really sure if it was real or not. My clown elevator script was like that too and people got hung up on the "was it real or not" thing.

The writing itself was clunky. Often weird word choices and such. If I had read this one and not known who wrote it, I would've guessed a non native English speaking person had written it. I used to get the same complaints on my scripts, but not anymore.

Anyway, I liked the idea and thought it creepy how Dracula kept singling Hank out in the crowd.

So, good job from me. I would probably have given it a CONSIDER, even if not a strong one.  :)

If it means anything, I didn't pick up that this was a writer using a second language. You need extra time to polish the English. Sorry for not giving it much of a chance.

This script is a lot better than you are probably thinking, right now.

Writers are in some ways the very best people to review scripts, and in some ways the very worst!

They can give you fantastic advice on how to improve your writing, and have many great ideas, but sometimes they are very taken with the written word and don't see the woods for the trees in terms of how good the final product...the film..would actually be once separated from the words on the page.

On screen, this would work very well and a lot of the complaints people had...such as the overwriting of the action sequences...would simply disappear in the transition.

In terms of the problem I had with the logic. It seems to me that you could cure it simply by having him say he needs to go to the toilet for some fresh air. He can come right back, but that way you establish that maybe he did have the opportunity to do it, even if it seems implausible. At the moment, it just slightly undermines the punch of the otherwise excellent ending.

Rick

Quoted from Grandma Bear I just read yours since I didn't get to it during the OWC. First of all, your script did not come in last. They are listed in alphabetical order.  :) I liked this one. I like stories where in the end, you're not really sure if it was real or not. My clown elevator script was like that too and people got hung up on the "was it real or not" thing. The writing itself was clunky. Often weird word choices and such. If I had read this one and not known who wrote it, I would've guessed a non native English speaking person had written it. I used to get the same complaints on my scripts, but not anymore. Anyway, I liked the idea and thought it creepy how Dracula kept singling Hank out in the crowd. So, good job from me. I would probably have given it a CONSIDER, even if not a strong one.  :)

Hey Pia, thanks for your opinion, I'm happy you liked it and you got the ending, as quite a few commenters didn't seem to. I was aiming at an ending like you see them often in series like 'Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction' or 'Twilight Zone' - which has the audience guessing in the end. Was it Hank's dream, and the dead actor is a coincidence? Did he have some kind of an out-of-body-experience due to his flu medication?

I only gave a consider to yours, didn't pick the recommend because of the extra pages and a few problems I had with the girl MC, I hope that's okay for you :-)

Cheers

Hey Rick,

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films This script is a lot better than you are probably thinking, right now.

Thanks. I knew it wasn't perfect as I only invested like 3 hours from reading the OWC rules to the idea to the script submission. I know I can do better with the language issues mentioned.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Writers are in some ways the very best people to review scripts, and in some ways the very worst! They can give you fantastic advice on how to improve your writing, and have many great ideas, but sometimes they are very taken with the written word and don't see the woods for the trees in terms of how good the final product...the film..would actually be once separated from the words on the page.

Can't blame them for that, not every writer is a film maker (me either), so most will only have the written words to judge. However, I always wonder how anybody would rate a script after bailing out after 1 or 2 pages. In that case I wouldn't post any comment at all because there's no chance in the world it would be a fair judgement.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films On screen, this would work very well and a lot of the complaints people had...such as the overwriting of the action sequences...would simply disappear in the transition.

I just read an article from an agent complaining about dull action / fight scenes a day before. In an example she gave, the script she read was building up the suspense towards a climax which would be a showdown fight between the protag and the villain. Full of expectations, she turned to the next page, and the fight was handled in a single line which was something like:

'XXX and YYY fight'

Under the line she encouraged to write out fight scenes in detail and she recommended studying martial arts techniques to get better at it.

So I guess that's what came over me when I wrote this one. Retrospectively, I guess it was not a good article :-)

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films In terms of the problem I had with the logic. It seems to me that you could cure it simply by having him say he needs to go to the toilet for some fresh air. He can come right back, but that way you establish that maybe he did have the opportunity to do it, even if it seems implausible. At the moment, it just slightly undermines the punch of the otherwise excellent ending.

That's a nice idea. Would add another possibility to the ones I already mentioned in my last post.