She Must Bleed by Pete B. Lane writing as Anon. X. SimplyScripter - Short, Horror - A thirteen-year-old girl runs from a threat, a curse, from which there is no escape. This family tradition must carry on. And she must bleed. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Great title, but your "based on" sets the bar pretty high, with added pressure to deliver the goods.

THE GOOD:  Wonderful job of ramping up tension and establishing an air of mystery that builds, scene upon scene.  This will likely prove to be one of the better ones.

THE BAD:   The late reversal is a surprise, but only because it comes out of nowhere.  There is nothing to telegraph -- leave alone explain -- Emily's sudden change of heart.  This piece would be strengthened if the conclusion made some sort of satisfying sense, delivering a payoff that was hinted at earlier.  An unfortunate (and confusing) snafu in character dialogue titles right there at the end also serves to undermine your efforts.  

bert's grade:  A-    

I knew this would be hard since I am not into horror. So, the set up was good, some suspense in what is happening. Then Emily changes. I agree with Bert that the don't eat Jack and go after mom instead thing was like huh?

The very end Emily dialogue, is there something wrong with that? Doesn't read right.

I like the opening.


Personally I felt it started to go downhill a bit at the part George entered.

I couldn't really buy the story. She's so in love with Jack that she's ready to kill her own family, but still she invited him in the first place knowing what would happen?

If it was deeper than that and she was always intending a set up, that needs to be strengthened. If it's a choice made at this time, I really think we'd need to feel a hell of a lot more love between Jack and Emily and see more of Emily's interior struggle.

Not bad, just wanted more,  I suppose.

A good, easy read. Some nice tension at the start but I think it goes on too long without any explanation, so when it does happen it feels rushed and out of left field. I think this could very easily be sorted with a 2nd draft and not being restricted by page length.

To me, this fulfilled all the criteria of the challenge so well done!

-Mark

I think you could do without Maggie.

This was a fun little script. It flows well and the dialog is fun. Maybe you could cut some at the end though - narration in particular.
I enjoyed it.

I took some notes as I read (but well written IMO):
First you introduce Jack and Emily and only then say that Jack is overweight and Emily is fit. You should have these descriptions when we first see them IMO.

You don't need "calls out" on p1 I think.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) The 'based on' didn't work for me.
2) What sort of bureau has a sledgehammer and a rifle in it?
3) On the last page Emily seems to talk to herself, should it be to George/Jack?
4) The 'twist' was a little too abrupt for me, didn't buy her reasons.

Good bits:-
1) Like the chase and build up.
2) The attack on the cabin was reminiscent of the Howling
3) The sharing of the blood felt a little vampiric but I liked it

Rules
Think this works, budget may be high end of low

Overall decent but I didn't by the twist and it took me out of the script at the end,

Anthony

Good stuff.  Bad stuff(not bad, just needs work) 50/50

PROS: Great setup, like Jack as a character and Emily.  Like everything up until the gunshot blast.  Great mystery to it.  Knowing the monster element of the challenge I couldn't figure out what monster was being used.  Great setting.

CONS:  The scene with Jack checking his anger can be shortened to get to "What do you know quicker. Get's confusing once George and Susan enter the cabin, as far as, where everyone is, who's talking to who, blocking, etc.  Even more confusing when Maggie enters.  I completely missed the motivation of killing Susa and Maggie, and what happened there.  All this can be more paced out and clear.  Liked this use of low budget setting (woods/cabin) and then all hell broke loose with the description of the werewolf changing and the budget shot up.  

Started off nice but then I'm on the second page and I'm hit with:

Quoted Text EXT. CAMPSITE - LATER The sun has fallen. Only moonlight illuminates three small cabins, apparently unoccupied from the lack of interior lights. Jack and Emily stumble into view

Quoted Text EXT. CABIN DOOR - MOMENTS LATER Jack waits by the door. The cabins lights pop on, including the porch light. The door opens to reveal Emily, a weary smile on her face.

Both tese scenes are overwritten and repetitive. Is it NIGHT now? No need to tell me the sun's fallen..  With the EXT. DOOR scene 'Jack waits. The Cabin's lights pop on. Emily lets Jack in.'


Also, if the cabin's lights go on within as well as outside, why does Jack need a flashlight on the inside to survey the cabin? What does he do with it as he puts on the coat? Did he hang on to it as he slides his arm in?

Gazes, nods etc. meaningless direction. Action please.

Quoted Text In fact, Emily has beads of sweat on her forehead.

Really. Is that a fact? Better : In fact, Emily has beads of sweat on her forehead.

What's with all the CLOSE UPS? Is there a point to this?
I'm sorry. Here's where I cried uncle myself.

This was tense at the beginning, I enjoyed it in that way!

One of my favourite reads so far, the entire scene of getting Emily to drink the blood seemed very dark and grim, I enjoyed that.

Then the ending was a quick burst of gruesome violence and it added to the impact and emotion. I enjoyed that also.

My only complaints are that the dialogue between Emily and Jack in the cabin seems so unaturally light-hearted considering the situation that they're in, the way they talk about her birthday all of a sudden, seems so weird since moments before they were complete messes, having a breakdown.

One more complaint is Emily's change of heart, she seems so willing to abide by the two' orders in the cabin, it's a little weird.

Overall, this is my favourite read so far, very tense and violent and I enjoyed it, thank you!

Sorry, short review

Got potential but didn't work for me.

I thought the writing in this could be tightened, a lot. Many times i thought 'no don't do that '

But good...late arrival, tension already on the scene, mystery set of why. That is sound drama.

Poor - poor nations setting, week connection, jack forgotten and a twist from where

Potential - and this is really strong - family fighting. I liked that a lot

Has something, but not yet

Negs: The title and logline are not enticing imh, your apparent preoccupation with: She Must Bleed (she will, she must bleed) I'm probably alone in this but I couldn't help but think of Menarche - yeah, sorry, obviously not the desired response you were hoping for. Then further in some very creepy incestuous-like family members appear and I thought, what the...

Story: There appears to be a lot going on, but there's not. I unfortunately found myself skimming too - not enough plot for me, and a rather non-event tacked on ending which didn't get me where it shoulda.

I did originally think also that this was going to be a Vampire initiation.

Positives: I liked the opening. Two characters on the run, something pursuing them - that was done pretty well.

Log makes it sound like the protag is running from the onset of puberty. I wonder if, after I've read it, I'll still be able to liken it in such a way. Should be fun.

The first action block is overwritten. Noticeably overwritten. That could be a time thing on your part. I'll show you what I mean:

Code Two obscured figures dart through the snowy thickets. They slow their furious rush as they approach a clearing. The couple are revealed in the waning light.

They are darting, yet also in a furious rush?

Two obscured figures dart through snowy thickets, slowing as
they approach a clearing.

It's dusk, so we know the light is waning.

You can get away with overwriting, but it has to be done at the right time and actually enhance the flow. If it detracts from flow then don't put it in.

Code EMILY C’mon, Uncle Jack! Please! They’re coming! We can’t stop!

Too expositional. All she has to do is look fearful and say:

Code EMILY We can’t stop.

That is far more powerful, IMO. Sometimes, less is more.

Code He takes her face in his hands, comforting yet firm. JACK Yeah, they’re coming, there’s nothing we can do about that. And they will find us. She breaks down, he wipes away her tears. She looks up. EMILY I don’t want this. He nods. They hug. JACK There’s some cabins not far from here... (looks around) ...I think. He pulls her away, picks her chin up to look into her eyes. JACK (CONT’D) All we can do is fight. You ready for that? She hesitates. Takes a composing breath and nods. They hurry down the path.

You've just told me the entire story. The only mystery is exactly what is coming. Maybe it's puberty.

Be far, far better, if they just kept running and found the cabin without knowing (or thinking they know) it's there in the first place. Keep the viewer guessing until it's time to reveal.

Code Susan bends to meet Emily’s eye-line, and hands her a sanitary towel.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Code SUSAN Enjoy it. Embrace it.

One for the ladies to take heed of.

Code SUSAN Time to grow up, sweetie.

I was so right.

Code EMILY Let’s go. EMILY (CONT’D) Yes, ma’...uh, Okay.

What happened in the above?

Very weird story. Not explained why Uncle was running with Emily in the first place. Too much exposition that could have been dealt with using visuals if different dramatic choices were made.

Mostly well told.

5.5 out of 10.

Agreeing here with what has been said in other comments.

The writing is clean and easy to follow and there is some tension until Emily's family arrives. The biggest let down is Emily's change of mind at the end, I have to second the question, why would she invite Jack if she refuses to kill him and kills her mother and grandma instead? On top, why does she spare George? Is he a werewolf too? Or just a lackey?

A little unlogical here but the writing is nice and I enjoyed the read for the most part.

Great title. Strong opening scene, and the build-up of suspense is great for the first few pages. Jack's sudden switch from comforting to angry took me slightly by surprise and is a bit jarring but I wanted to keep reading to find out exactly what Emily DID know, which is a good sign!

Neat little twist at the end with Emily attacking Susan, but I'm slightly confused - was Jack really her uncle? You have that in quote marks at one point, which made me doubt it. Why is he left alive at the end? How much did he know about the family trait? Seemingly not a lot, as he didn't know what Emily was.

Ambiguity can be fine, but this was a bit different in that it felt like a lack of clarity rather than a deliberate effect. May just be me being thick, though!

Yeah, definitely a seasoned writer behind this one. Who is the 'X' Simplyscripter, I wonder? Ryan1?

Writer,

Not a bad script here. Had a Near Dark kind of vibe going, even though it was a werewolf story. But that's what confused me, seeing as Emily was sucking on blood. However, it kind of lost me near the end. Too many characters just seemed to show up. Then George helps Jack? I though he was the one who shot Jack. I don't know.

Again, decent script here that just seemed to lose its way.

Steve

SHE MUST BLEED

The usual problem when all given space is used. This one is stuffed too. The action could have compressed to a few ideas but this is excessive overdone, paragraph after paragraph  

"pulling a dagger from a purse – then tossing a purse" comes to my mind.

Imagine I read every single word of your play, and of course I do, constantly visualizing, then how can you gimme that damn purse and let her throw it around?

Especially in the second half when the other characters join, there are parts that felt so unfocused as if they were jumping around while standing in a close circle inside the cabin.

To end on a positive note: The hunt and the first half of the play were intriguing to follow. Then it felt like any wink in this cabin is thrown at me, which made me feel the opposite, that nothing has a meaning.

Still solid script imo

I'm surprised bert gave this an A-. This one didn't really work for me...at all. I liked the beginning with Emily and Jack running through the woods being chased. I wanted to know where they were going and what was chasing them. When I found out it was Emily's family and they wanted to do the blood thingy, I thought, WTH!

And I agree with Bill, I think, when he mentioned the weapons in the bureau. That was another WTH moment for me.

I did not have any issues with the writing itself. Only the story.

Hi Writer, I'm not sure if I'm being redundant here, quite a few reviews going on here...

I love the opening scene, it really pulled me into the story. Great use of intrigue.

"Only moonlight illuminates three small cabins, apparently unoccupied from the lack of interior lights."

That's the mother of all assumptions. Just because the lights are off, doesn't mean nobody's home. Truthfully, I was hoping it was going to be a cabin full of Hillbillies... they creep me out, playing their banjos n' shit all the live long day.

"Pretty soon, fun Uncle Jack will be fun Uncle Snack."

Lol, I think I know where this is going... save that Terrance and Phillip won't suddenly come crashing through the door singing "Uncle F*cker" .

The ending caught me out and sent me back for another read, actually, I had to decipher what happened. The character names are somewhat generic IMO. This is not your typical nuclear family, and as such, should give the author leeway to label them with some eclectic or old world pseudonyms to truly represent a den of wolves. Just a thought.

That being said, nice twist of events. I dig the concept of a Matriarch as/opposed to an Alpha Male. The unforeseen power struggle within the pack, and the showing of Jack (him not having prior knowledge), is tricky to portray, but plausible.  Solid writing and an interesting take on the theme.

Thought this was solid for the most part. The opening two or three pages had great tension - it fizzled a little with the introduction of too many characters IMO. The "fucks" took me out of a couple pf places - not a prude - just didn't think they fit.

Overall - a solid effort.

Anon,

I liked this, mostly. I do find it weird that Emily invited Jack if she knew what her family were going to make her do. Also, at the end, there's a lot of people in the cabin? Is there a need? I get you wanted to show at one stage they're almost like the perfect family, but I don't see the need for all these characters.

Other than that, nice build up of tension at the start and I enjoyed the ending. The writing was good and the dialogue, for the most part, was believable.

Good job.

Glenn.

Nice!  A very short response here (and for that, I'm sorry - though I seem to be on a tear tonight with wrapping up the last reviews for this OWC.)

So - very short version of the story...  This is a very solidly written story, one of the few in this OWC that had instantly relatable characters that seemed to breathe (and bleed) in real life.  Plus, there's an organic feel and mystery to this story that works quite well.

Could it be *slightly* trimmed?  Yep.  But - great work!  One of my faves....

It seems a little convenient for Jack to accidently throw the gun across the room. I'd change it to him trying to load it. George comes in pretty fast anyway, so I think it's a more believable sequence of events.

This was definitely one of the better ones, maybe the most complete one I've read so far. I was a little surprised Emily went after her mom, though. I thought maybe it'd just be Maggie. The level of doubt you provided kept me guessing as to whether Emily would switch allegiances, but the fact that she's willing to kill her mom seems like it might need a set-up. Also, George seemed just as bad as any of them, so I'm not sure why he was spared. I guess he doesn't have the curse, but does that really matter? Was it the curse that bothered Emily or the fact that she was being asked to kill someone? If it's the latter, then George is just as guilty.

It might be nice to have a last moment between Jack and Emily, especially since she saved his life. And finally, Emily speaks twice right at the end, but I'm guessing that was supposed to be George?

Anyway, nice work and congrats!

First, thanks to all who took the time to read and review my submission. Some good points were made, and I found many of them quite useful.

I'll address some of the comments that were made:

Quoted from bert ...your "based on" sets the bar pretty high, with added pressure to deliver the goods.

I was just playing around there, but point taken.

Quoted from bert The late reversal is a surprise, but only because it comes out of nowhere...

Many others mentioned this, so I accept it was a problem. That twist was a very late addition and was not properly explained. My second draft elaborates on her motivation a bit.

Quoted from bert An unfortunate (and confusing) snafu in character dialogue titles right there at the end also serves to undermine your efforts

Yep, that was just a dumb error made in haste.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Not bad, just wanted more,  I suppose.

I've added more, hopefully enough to clarify her choice.

Quoted from khamanna First you introduce Jack and Emily and only then say that Jack is overweight and Emily is fit. You should have these descriptions when we first see them IMO. You don't need "calls out" on p1 I think.

Their descriptions come in early enough I think. At first all we are supposed to see are two figures in the dark. I agree about the "calls out" though, that's been removed.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood What sort of bureau has a sledgehammer and a rifle in it?

The kind in a small cabin with very little storage space, so there's a lot crammed into it. I changed it to a cabinet, perhaps bureau wasn't the right word.

Quoted from ScenesUnwritten Get's confusing once George and Susan enter the cabin, as far as, where everyone is, who's talking to who, blocking, etc.

I believe blocking is a matter for the director.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Also, if the cabin's lights go on within as well as outside, why does Jack need a flashlight on the inside to survey the cabin? What does he do with it as he puts on the coat? Did he hang on to it as he slides his arm in?

You read too quickly, Darren. I clearly stated that he reaches in and turns off the lights. I started to address your other comments but realized they were nothing but blatant nitpickery, so I "cried uncle" and didn't bother.

Quoted from Nathan Hill Overall, this is my favourite read so far, very tense and violent and I enjoyed it, thank you!

And thank you!

Quoted from Reef Dreamer ...poor nations setting...

I don't know what this means.

Quoted from Dustin The first action block is overwritten.

Agreed. It's been trimmed.

Quoted from Dustin re: your suggested change: That is far more powerful, IMO. Sometimes, less is more.

I did shorten it, but not that much. Style choice.

Good catch on the puberty angle.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Ambiguity can be fine, but this was a bit different in that it felt like a lack of clarity rather than a deliberate effect. May just be me being thick, though!

You're not thick, I wasn't clear.

Quoted from JonnyBoy Yeah, definitely a seasoned writer behind this one.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

Quoted from StevenClark Then George helps Jack? I though he was the one who shot Jack. I don't know.

Yes, George's choice to help Jack is not clear at all. I fixed it, thanks.

Quoted from Angry Bear This one didn't really work for me...at all.

Oh well, you can't please 'em all. It didn't go where you wanted it to go. I don't understand your issue with the weapons though.

Quoted from Canis I dig the concept of a Matriarch as/opposed to an Alpha Male.

Thanks. I'm happy someone picked up on that. Maybe others did, but you're the only one to mention it.

Quoted from EWall433 The level of doubt you provided kept me guessing as to whether Emily would switch allegiances, but the fact that she's willing to kill her mom seems like it might need a set-up. Also, George seemed just as bad as any of them, so I'm not sure why he was spared. I guess he doesn't have the curse, but does that really matter? Was it the curse that bothered Emily or the fact that she was being asked to kill someone? If it's the latter, then George is just as guilty. It might be nice to have a last moment between Jack and Emily, especially since she saved his life.

The second draft adds some bits to explain things better, I think. And good point about having a moment between Jack and Emily, I've added that.

~~~~~

Okay, that about covers it. Thanks again to all of you for reading, reviewing and (some of you) voting my script up enough to be in the 'liked' category. I needed that confidence boost right about now. :) I'll submit my second draft shortly. I will reciprocate a review to anyone who takes the time to read it.

~Pete

A revised draft with a new logline has just been posted. Thanks Don.

I've considered the critiques of the first draft and made a few changes. Any additional feedback would be appreciated.

~Pete

Hey Pete -

Depending how the rewrite looks - PM me.  I think this one's got tons of potential.  :)

Cheers,

--Janet (W)