Become Death by Matthew Nsubuga - Drama - When an optimistic psychotherapist starts counselling a mentally ill man; determined to go to Dignitas for assisted suicide - her life begins to unravel and fall apart. 93 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Matthew, I got to page 17 and like the script, U like the name and the log line too! I would replace some of the cliched sentences e.g. 'it's gonna be ok' with something more unique and interesting. My main issue is that even on page 17 I didn't know who the main characters were. First it seemed to be Mavin and Zoe, then Mavin disappeared and Robert came on scene. Also the main conflict of problem should be obvious by page 10. I can see a lot of potential here though, a lot of interesting thoughts and dialogues related to mental issues/depression/suicide etc. I think I'll be back for more read but for now I'm going to bed!

Hey Marcela,

Thank you for giving this a look. This script should be in the DRAMA section. I think I mis-labeled it. My fault.  [bert's edit:  fixed]

I think the fact that it is a drama and a more character driven piece, the start focuses on establishing the character of Zoe rather than the plot. I know, I know, in the first 10 pages you need to hook the reader. There was a big discussion on this forum if that's even the case all the time. It was generally agreed that a lot of great films don't do it, but as a spec screenwriter, you have to do it. Criticism noted though.

It's the first draft, so hopefully I can improve the dialogue during later revisions but I agree with your critique on the 'cliched sentences'.

Thanks again for the read. Happy to return it, if you have anything here.

Matthew

Hi Matthew,
yes, I have a script called The Miss on the Bus, I have the link as a signature, just under any of my messages, u just click on it and it should open. It would be great if u tell me what you think.
Marcela