Mike and Riley Episode # 101 - Pilot by Riley Tessneer  - Series, Comedy - A young pop-star's life is turned upside down when his bold and brash cousin moves in and begins going to school with him.  37 pages - pdf format

Mike and Riley Episode # 102 - Mike & Riley & Bonding by Riley Tessneer  - Series, Comedy - Riley is booked at an up-and-coming club and has an interesting disagreement with the owner.  - pdf format

Mike and Riley Episode # 103 - Mike & Riley & Bad Boys by Riley Tessneer  - Series, Comedy - Riley and Ashlynne become worried when Desiree begins dating the school "bad boy". Mike, Caden, and Alex are paired up for a science project.  41 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello, Hello!

I read your teleplay. I must say I'm very impressed. I had a couple laughs and overall enjoyed it. Some suggestions and comments:

When Dez is taking Mike around for his classes, I would have loved to see that. I think seeing the characters in a classroom setting would really bring out their traits and personalities.

I'm kind of confused on the target audience. At first I thought this was a show that might appear on Nickelodeon, but after a couple of swear words, I guess I thought otherwise. If this is for a teen audience, I think some of the dialogue should be a bit stronger. Sometimes you go from something that would be heard on ICarly to sex jokes.

Also, are you planning to have Dez and Riley pair up? I totally got that vibe from them. or maybe I'm just reading into things.

One more thing, Riley isn't really coming off as mean, Mike isn't really coming off as the football type, maybe you could make him a bit stronger. You can still have him upset about not getting the lead, but maybe he handles his emotions differently than crying on his cousin's shoulder. I don't really see Alex as such a studious student, and I think  Caden should be more clueless than weird. I figured you meant clueless as innocent.

I think you did really well with the female dialogue!

Overall, awesome script, I could see it all clearly. Interesting story with so much potential! All you need is a great cast and you're set! Can't wait to see your next draft or possible next episode. Keep at it, you've got some great stuff.

W.K. Sharah

Hello!

Thank you for the feedback! I am working towards the third draft currently. Mike and Dez definitely are going to have a scene when they are in class together! I'm not sure about the rest.

Yeah... This is a script from a while back that I tried to put some spin on in order to target a teen audience instead of a tween audience. I guess it didn't work too  well. The dialogue is definitely going to be amped up in the third draft

I have thought about that possibility. But I also see Mike and Dez maybe having a romantic relationship as time goes on. They are just super close. It might happen. We'll see.

Yes, Riley really isn't mean and I'm unsure of why I wrote that he was, maybe sassy comments from a another draft. Mike definitely cries too much. Now that I have read your comment and gone through the script, I see that. I am thinking about the possibility of him just going into a really depressed state in the next draft. Alex and Ashlynne I feel don't get very much time to really show who they are in this draft. Alex was a different character at one point, I probably should have looked through the dialogue after I did the character descriptions. And yes, I meant that Caden was innocent, he's sort of a difficult character to wrap my head around. He can be smart, he can be stupid, he's all over the place.

And once again, thank you for the awesome feedback!

- Riley Tessneer

I just wrote a write up then clicked back and erased it, so I'm sorry if this is mostly just summarized.

It's not funny enough. It's mostly unfunny and annoying high schoolers up their own butts. I think you do have a good grasp on who each of these characters are, and it seems plotted fairly well (than other things I've seen here).

But the first joke is ten pages in. It's the wrench joke, and it's good because you set it up with the cinder blocks then pull the punchline. Every other "joke" is bland because it's mostly people acting slightly weird or saying something sarcastic. Sometimes it's funny (like pinkie twinkie promise), but mostly not. It's "normal people funny" and not "television funny," if you know what I mean.

On page 16 you fade out for the new act, but you bring it right back to the same place when you fade in. It seems unnecessary and can be trimmed, because Riley tells us again that Mike didn't make it when he talks to Caden.

WK is right that it's too vulgar for a tween show, but I don't think it's dramatic enough for people older. The main thrust of the pilot is that Mike didn't get this piano gig. But why does he care so much? What's the worst that can happen if he doesn't get it?

You set up this idea that they "can't tell Mike" they know about the audition for like two pages, but then Ashlynne breaks the news right away. All that build up and then it ends in nothing, so it feels like filler.

As for formatting, I don't really know much about teleplays, but this looks like a hybrid between single and multi camera scripts. Shouldn't the dialogue be double-spaced? And it's really annoying to have that "table draft" bit at the top of every page. It breaks the flow when reading.

Either way, cool job! You seem passionate about it, and that's always great. Keep it up and take what I say with a grain of salt!

I know that it needs some help in the comedy area. I found an old script of mine, but it was aimed at a young audience. I tried to age it up by throwing some swear words in. It was really an experiment to see if people would like it, so far, people haven't. I'll need to fix that!

I'm glad you liked the wrench joke! And yes, I do know what you mean by television funny. Something I'm trying to amp up in the third draft!

I'm a little repudiative sometimes. It's one of my worse habits! :/

The plot has changed a lot in the third draft, Mike and Riley are sort of thrown into something that will hopefully reach a broader audience and not just tweens and teens.

Thank you for the feedback! I enjoy hearing people's take on it!

If you have time, you should read the second episode and tell me what you think!

I absolutely loved it! I thought that it was very funny, though maybe the beginning could use some more humor. Also, About the formatting, it seemed to me to be like a multi cam, though you would double space that. Are you using a screenwriting program? It looked like it was typed in Word. Many of the formatting problems would be fixed if you used a screenwriting program. Sadly, the free program Trelby wouldn't exactly work for multi camera sitcoms, and I have heard that Trelby is better than Celtx, so it may be worth it for you to buy a screenwriting program. Movie Magic Screenwriter is great, that's what I use, but it is expensive.

Here are some notes I had while reading your first episode (I may read the second later): On page 1, it says that Alex goes over to Marty, when you probably mean Caden as there doesn't seem to be a Marty in the script. On page 14, I feel like it would make sense if you said that everyone looks at Caden after he giggles, because with just the giggle written in there, his line doesn't really make sense. On page 28, I feel like we should get one more line from Caden at the end of the scene, because for me the whole aura thing didn't seem like something he would do, but that line might make it got better. Either that, or maybe just cut Caden from that scene. On page 33, they say that there are 300 more first periods of freshman year. Is this intended to be an exaggeration, because that is way too many. 150 would be a more realistic number, as there are around 160 school days in a year. On page 34, I think it would be funny if Mike hugged Mr. Connor anyway.

Some things I liked: The family dynamic of the group is great. I love how Dez, Alex, and Caden are like the kids of Riley and Ash. That was very entertaining. "How dare you speak the words of Satan?" I loved this line from Mike. I loved the line "Did you just call us dumb?" from Caden and also when he said "Obviously Mike." in the scene where they discover that Mike is gone. The placement of the act breaks was great, especially the end of Act Two. Another Caden line that was a favorite of mine "But we were like 'But we're here, surprise bitch.'" Yeah, I loved Caden, he is my favorite character.

Like I said, I loved it. I think you are a really talented writer, and I'd love to see other sitcom scripts that you have written.

Thank you so much for your info on my script, Hunter!  

About the formatting, I used word, but the formatting i use is really just stuff I've gathered from seeing other multi cam scripts.

I appreciate how you noticed the family dynamic! Riley and Ash being the mom and dad is so true. I believe thats even funnier because I want those characters to get together.

If I'm being honest, Caden is probably my favorite character too. Everyone jumps right in to the drama and he has no idea whats going on.

I'm so glad that you enjoyed the lines and you had some awesome suggestions! Thanks for all the kind things you said about me as a writer as well!

-Riley

No problem! Yeah, your formatting is pretty close. With Word it is difficult. If you were to buy a program such as Movie Magic Screenwriter or Final Draft that would help, but they are sadly expensive. I really enjoyed it, I'd love to see other things that you write in the future!

Just download the free screenwriting software that's available - Celtx, Trelby, Writer Duet. Don't muck about with 'Word' - your formatting will likely be all over the joint. First thing you want to do is look Pro, not back in the dark ages. :)