Mummy's Here by Kyle Bowler - Short, Horror - A woman heats something up in a microwave.  2 pages - pdf, format 8)

This attracted me...it's one page. Back of the net.

Actually I'm a huge fan of the one page script. We should have an unofficial OWC with a one pager. Great challenge.

Ok, back to story...

To be honest a little obvious and nothing too unexpected. We don't have any set up that contradicts the outcome. Hence the twist is expected and not much of a twist.

Would it work in screen, yes I think it would, - within reason  - but it wouldn't blow anybody away.

But it is self contained, easy to film. I would try and find an angle

Suggestions...hummm...

I think we need to see the mother to buy in this, so maybe her issues could be hidden by her clothes which are later removed

The crying baby we don't see is a bit of a red flag sometimes. If this was stretched to two pages you could have a postman, for example, delivering a present for the child. It cries in the background. Together we assume there is a child. Etc

Read Sham's script 'cooked'. A great example of misdirection, even if a few pages longer.

Regards

Thanks for posting and cheers for taking a look Reef.

I've never written a one page script before but I thought I'd give it a go for the Twisted Showcase One Page Horror Contest because it's free to submit.

Originally the reveal was that the kid was a Vampire baby, the woman was heating up a beaker of blood and there was a dismembered hand and bread knife in the sink. Then I read the guidelines and it said the horror should be more philological than rely on gore so I changed it.

I think it could work if filmed right but I agree with what you said, it wouldn't blow anyone away. It was a fun little exercise nevertheless and only took an hour or so to write.

Thanks again and if you want my input on any of your work just let me know.

Kyle,

Comments often come half baked.

This one didn't pack the punch that it needs.  I suppose because the woman does exactly what she looks like she'll do.  The power of a short like this is in misdirection, so if she's upscale and pretty and hovering, the ending is more skewed, no?  Just a thought.  And I read your comment.  For me, the vampire baby would have worked better, more graphic.  In any case, the current version is fine, but it needs a bigger reversal at the end.  a doll is common, a vampire baby more rare, some kind of animal even more rare, her husband's head...well don't go there.

Best
Richard

I hear what you're saying Richard and cheers for taking a look. I did actually toy with putting a head in the cot at one point until I read about the limitation on gore.  

I don't think the story's coming across how I intended it to. The horror aspect wasn't supposed to come from the doll itself. The line that the woman says about not wanting a repeat of last time was supposed to imply that she had a real child once and accidentally killed it.

I haven't submitted it to the comp yet so I can always re-think it. I like your suggestion about having a more upscale woman than a meth addict so I might toy with that.

Thanks again.  
Kyle.

Interesting. Definitely a low-budget one! Get a doll and ask a friend of yours to come over, shoot it on your phone, and post it on youtube?