The Change by Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - Short, Horror  - A drug addict finally quits using drugs when he gets stuck in a elevator.   - pdf, format 8)

Hey Gabriel - took a quick read, all opinions are my own and have been known to be wrong...

1) I think Alfie hits the alarm button very quickly, I'm not sure he would at least try hitting some extra floors and things.
2) I'd consider showing the direction of movement of the elevator by the floors decreasing or something.
3) Imma... I assume that should be 'I'm a' ?
4) As is I think the story is just too fast... a disembodied voice interupts his day and he's no longer a junkie? Feels a little unrealistic.
5) If he somehow was trapped in the elevator over a number of days maybe.

Cheers

Anthony

Gabe, there's a really nice tone to this but it's not ticking all the boxes for me mainly because the ending feels tacked on.

I'm invested in Alfie's story, intrigued and wondering ooh, what's going to happen but then left wondering how this miraculous metamorphosis occurs. Alfie looks set for demise, is threatened, then emerges onto the twelfth floor 'healthier'. The Unknown Caller character feels as a bit contrived and as if the middle of the story was left out Who is the Unknown Caller? Where is Alfie headed? What is CE btw?

FYI, I gather by 'healthier' you mean Alfie's cured of his addiction, correct? If so 'healthy' or completely recovered is the word you want - 'healthier' just means improved health.  

Overall, I enjoyed reading this but it needs more. The denouement is too abrupt and it isn't, with your set up, satisfying or believable.

At only four pages you can easily add to this via more mystery and more story.

I'd definitely read another more padded out draft.

TYPO: Out walks a healthier Aflie.

Thanks Don for posting this up.

Thanks Anthony and LC for the read. Going to answer you both at the same time.

A bit of backstory behind this piece which will hopefully answer some of your questions. I was inspired by the Twilight Zone episode "Nervous Man in a Four Dollar Room." But as oppose to having it in a room, I decided to set it in an elevator, thanks to the OWC challenge SS had a few months back. And changed some of the elements, so this can stand on its own. Hence, the trapped guy in the elevator is a drug addict as oppose to a ganster.  

Anthony:

Quoted Text 1) I think Alfie hits the alarm button very quickly, I'm not sure he would at least try hitting some extra floors and things.

If you're stuck in the elevator, you're going to press the alarm. I"m just saying lol.

Quoted Text 2) I'd consider showing the direction of movement of the elevator by the floors decreasing or something.

Can you explain this bit please?

Quoted Text 3) Imma... I assume that should be 'I'm a' ?

It's his dialogue. maybe I'ma? I tried to spell it correctly as possible but dialogue doesn't need to be grammatically correct. So I've been told.

Quoted Text 4) As is I think the story is just too fast... a disembodied voice interupts his day and he's no longer a junkie? Feels a little unrealistic.

I understand what your saying but, a lot of these stories we mostly write are unrealistic. We're fiction writers.

Quoted Text 5) If he somehow was trapped in the elevator over a number of days maybe.

I think people would definitely notice if the elevator is not working. lol.


Hey LC,

Quoted Text Gabe, there's a really nice tone to this but it's not ticking all the boxes for me mainly because the ending feels tacked on.

I understand. The ending was difficult for me. I wanted the audience to see the character change so I decided to go a supernatural route. Hence, Alfie exits healthier.

Quoted Text I'm invested in Alfie's story, intrigued and wondering ooh, what's going to happen but then left wondering how this miraculous metamorphosis occurs. Alfie looks set for demise, is threatened, then emerges onto the twelfth floor 'healthier'. The Unknown Caller character feels as a bit contrived and as if the middle of the story was left out Who is the Unknown Caller? Where is Alfie headed? What is CE btw?

Based off the backstory, the Unknown Caller is Alfie's personailty that wants to live and stop the drugs, knowing full well the negative consequences. At the end, the Alfie we meet has been repressed, while The Unknown Caller is the dominant personality. CE is just a error message I've seen in my elevator. No significance lol.

Maybe I can show that switch in the elevator via the walls?

Quoted Text FYI, I gather by 'healthier' you mean Alfie's cured of his addiction, correct? If so 'healthy' or completely recovered is the word you want - 'healthier' just means improved health.

I'll change it. I wanted the change to be physically as oppose to personality wise. I went a supernatural route here lol.

Quoted Text Overall, I enjoyed reading this but it needs more. The denouement is too abrupt and it isn't, with your set up, satisfying or believable.

Well, back to the drawing board. But before I do, gotta give this a break.

Quoted Text At only four pages you can easily add to this via more mystery and more story. I'd definitely read another more padded out draft.

I'll see what I can do. Always looking to learn.

Quoted Text TYPO: Out walks a healthier Aflie.

Will correct spelling.

Thanks again and let me know if you want a return read.

Gabe

Ripley,

Your log line; it should read "an" elevator.

As far as your story, it seems a bit of a stretch but... adding the supernatural angle, anything is possible.  I wished you had added a little more meat.  Just feels incomplete.   Very light on the horror.  JMHO.

Anyway, all the best with this.

Ghostie

Hey Ghostwriter

Thanks for the read.

Will make correction in longline.

What type of horror are you implying that is lacking in this?

I'm happy that I got to write and complete something. Granted complete means something totally different for us, but this is a start. :)

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley What type of horror are you implying that is lacking in this?

Please disregard.   I saw horror and was expecting violence and gore.  My bad.   How soon I forget... horror takes many, many forms.  And clearly this falls into the realm of a supernatural-horror.

Best of luck

Ghostie

Not a problem. I have to be more specific in regards to genre when I submit then. Lol

If u need a read let me know

Hey Gabe

It's your story so disregard what you want... but to expand and answer your queries

1) As soon as the elevator stops he hits the alarm, I would have thought he'd at least try hit some other floor buttons first to see if he can get it moving... especially when the message on screen is so enigmatic.
2) Direction of travel... as in show the floors counting down, 12, 11 , 10 , 9, 9 etc... it's a visual medium and most elevators count down (or up) the floors as they travel.
3) Your're right dialogue can be mis-spelled, but it confused me as written, I thought he was calling the voice Imma and that was the voices name. Had to go back an re-read to double check.
4) Fiction writer or not, we have an audience to convince of the reality of our scripts, this one didnt work for me... but could just be me.

Anthony

Hey Anthony

I take all opinions (positive and negative) into consideration. Don't take my tone in these writings as defensive. It's just me explaining my choices. Things can always change like this script. Thanks for your explanations. Sorry you didn't like it but at least it was 4pgs :)

Gabe

Gave,

Like others said, this needs more but not much. The biggest issues for me are your protag's description. He's a heroin addict and the only way you describe him is he looks like droopy dog. In think his appearance would speak volumes to how extreme his problem really is. Friending addicts are nervous, scratching, paranoid, etc. when they need a hit. Take us to that place.

And seeing how the script is entitled The Change, in think we need to actually see the change as opposed to it just being implied with no explanation. All told it should just add a page or two to your script, but could go a long way in adding more clarity and us feeling more invested in your  protag's plight and characterization.

Steve

Yo, Gabe, what up, man?  Gave this a read, and...well, sorry, but there are so many problems on display.

You've written a 2 1/2 page script, so it needs to be tight...it needs to be well written...it needs to be error free, and this is far from any of those.

Very awkwardly phrased throughout.  Lots of typos.  Lots of grammar errors, lots of technical errors, an orphan in your first passage over 1 line, incorrect verb tense at times, and most glaring, to me, at least, is the obvious mistake in dialogue from the "Unknown Caller" (which is a terrible name, BTW) - this is obviously V.O., as it's a voice coming from a phone, then after the call, from who knows where.

As others have commented, the real problem here is that very little takes places and it's telegraphed what's going to happen, based on title and logline.  If you want this to work, you need to make your readers take some kind of interest in Alfie - as it is, he does nothing, has no backstory, and has no life.

Starting inside an empty elevator is an interesting choice, and gives off a horror vibe, but after that, there's obviously no horror involved here at all.

Doesn't work for me at all, sorry to say, but good to see you're still writing.

Take care.

Thanks Steve and Jeff for the read.

Currently at work so I will respond to comments when I go home.

Gabe

Gabe,

Comments go up and down.

This one is a bit confusing for me.  The protag gets in an elevator.  A strange voice tells him to dump his drugs.  He doesn't.  The lights go out and the protage emerges a changed man?

There is little set up for this one.  Anyone who doesn't know who Droopy is doesn't have a clue as to how the guy looks.  He's a junkie, and he has a stash, and when the elevator stops, he does the usual stuff.  He hits the alarm, calls out, etc.  The embodied voice is who? or what?  Good smaritan?  And here you have a junkie who gives up because the lights flicker?  Where is the bravado or anger?  And what changed him?  how?  Darkness?  Film is a visual medium.  Show us what happens to him.  Show us how he changes.  Don't wave a magic wand and say it's done.  

best
Richard

Hey, Gabe

Interesting idea but it feels a bit rushed, did you have a page limit here?

I'll echo most reviews here and say Alfie hits the panic button very quickly.  Also the ending wasn't a big surprise because the title suggests what's going to happen.  I was a bit confused as to whether Alfie got rid of the drugs or not?

Needs a bit of work but could be a decent little single character piece.