Mine to Kill by David Wagner - Horror - In 1878 Nova Scotia, a teenage girl is possessed by six demons, including one that starts fires. Based on a true story. 124 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi David

I've been on the lookout for a good horror. So, I cracked this open. Before I share my thoughts, I'd like to state that I am still learning the craft myself. So you can take my review with a pinch of salt, because its just my opinion.

Okay, so its clear that you can write, but unfortunately this is overwritten in parts. I stopped after page ten. I'm sorry but your story didn't hook me in.

here's why IMO:

You didn't start with a teaser, something that would draw me into your world.

Your conflict, or lack of, is not convincing enough.  The bucket of water bubbles, and the so called mouse in their bed, was all that really happened in the first ten pages.

Your dialogue is chunky and on the nose, you're trying to TELL the story instead of SHOWING it. Personally,  I think you could cut a lot of this out, by using more DIRECT description, and subtext throughout.

As I said before, you're clearly a good writer. So, a few rewrites should clean this right up.

Cheers

Stuart

Hey, David

Let’s dive right in. Being the first impression readers have on your work, I think you have to go back and revise your premise. There’s no descriptor of the main character (teenage girl). No hook. And what always sends me personally running for the hills is scripts that cross the 110 threshold, especially in the horror genre.

I read up till page 10. So, here’s my initial feedback. The opening image does its job with a stormy night and distressed female. We meet our main character who has an issue, always good to see a character with some problem to solve right away. Now, this is what begin naw at me, and the previous mentioned it some. The actual narrative and description got in the way of enjoying the story. First, when it comes to action don’t hesitate. For example,

Quoted Text “After a moment, Esther suddenly jumps out of bed with a SCREAM.” “After a few moments, Esther carefully sets the box upright.”

There a number of other forms but same impact. Rather than hesitation, just do it…

Esther jumps out of bed.
Esther carefully sets the box upright.

Next, action verbs

Quoted Text “At that moment, the sisters are startled to see the box jump a foot into the air then fall to the floor on its side. Both girls SCREAM.”

The sisters are startled? Where is the action in the statement?
‘Startled, the Sisters stare as the box jumps….’

Enough of being a grammar hound. I focused on this because from what I can tell so far there’s enough in the story so to see where it’s going however the narrative gets annoying. You want me reading quickly without having to stop and try to figure what you meant.

Quoted Text           ESTHER        Daniel, come quickly! Pulling on his pants, DANIEL TEED, the girls’ 29-year-old brother-in law, bursts into the bedroom.           DANIEL       What’s wrong?

Is Daniel in the room? Where’s the CUT?

Page 10 was interesting with the whole knocking at table. I think it’s impact lost some steam because of the narrative however the idea was right.

BLB