Prisoner Sixty by Patrick J Gillespie  - Drama, War, Escape - At the height of World War Two, two escaped Prisoners of War, risk their own Freedom to break into a notorious POW camp to save their comrades.  105 pages - pdf, format 8)

The final draft of this script.

Is that the final draft of the logline as well?

Yes it is, I may take another look at it.

It's not a logline, it's a question That might work for a short - just. For a feature though, you must tell us the entire story in one sentence. You can use two, but you'll get more marks for just one.

At the height of World War 1/2/3, two escaped Prisoners of War, risk their own freedom to break into into a notorious POW camp to save their comrades.

Had a quick scan because it's a war script by a fellow Aussie and I'm a Vet myself.

I really hope this isn't the final draft because straight away there are issues on page 1.

It's very over written.

Your first five or so scene headings are all the same. You only need a new one if something actually changes, time of day, location, inside/outside.

Might be a great story hidden in there but it would be a hard read I imagine.

Actually working on my own war feature called The Digger, maybe we can a script exchange when I'm done.

Thanks for the comment Warren. I wrote the intro that way so as the opening credits, even if it is the principle credits, can appear without dialogue. Which the Audience can find annoying, to have dialogue and credits at the same time.

Pat (may I call you Pat?)

Don't worry about the credits as a speculative screewriter. Worry about story and flow - pretend you have a timer connected to a stick of dynamite, counting down and it reads 10 minutes... The exact amount of time you have to suck in a reader.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films At the height of World War 1/2/3, two escaped Prisoners of War, risk their own freedom to break into into a notorious POW camp to save their comrades.

I believe you can lose the 2nd comma.

Thanks for the comment Tony Dionisio, I will take another look at the logline. It does need a re-write. Yes you may call me Pat.

Revised log line (I hope Scar Tissue Films don't mind? I really liked it.)
Revised some of the script.

Hey Patrick,

Had a look at the first 10 pages.

Don't think there should be a page number on page 1.
EXT. PAPUA NEW GUINEAN JUNGLE - AFTERNOON --- If location/time/outside/inside doesn't change, no need to repeat slug.
Personally, I would put (in Japanese) or just (Japanese) in parentheticals, instead of writing a headline/NOTE.
EXT. KOKODA TRACK - DAY  -- should this have a SUPER, or explaining "Kokoda Track?"
Seems like you only cap characters that have dialogue. Me, I like to cap any characters, even if no dialogue, makes it more clear, sometimes.
Maybe trim some of the character descriptions (hair, eyes, etc, do we need to know that? ...)
Australian patrol -- how do we know? Their uniforms? or something else. Same with the Japanese patrol.

Overall, the dialogue is pretty good. Some trimming, but works. I liked it.
Action is over written and telling/novel, not visual at times. Needs trimming and visualization, IMO.

The concept/genre is not exactly my cup of tea, but it felt somewhat authentic, seems like you've done some research/read-up.

Re: your log line, why not use The Second World War instead of World War Two ...  

Good luck with your story.

Frank

hi Frank H,
thanks for the read, my bad that was a old version which was mistakenly uploaded. I did not realise until you pointed it out in your comment. the most recent version just went up. Should take a few days before it is on the site.
I felt there was no need to have Nationality identifier in the script, only when stated. As 90-95 per cent of the fighting was between Australian and Japanese forces. it would not be until November 42, that US and Australian forces fought together in the battle of Buna-Gona.
but more work will be done for sure.
Pat