Ricky by Michael J. Kospiah - Short, Horror - A woman protects her daughter from three men terrorizing their home. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

SPOILERS AHEAD...

Michael,

‘I’m pretty sure it’s not Fred.’   :)

Lively, entertaining read -- straight to the point, no messing.  The axe breaking down the door is great writing -- really feeds the tension.  In all it has that pulpy, ‘anthology’ feel to it, almost like it forms part of a larger idea -- and I kind of hope it is.  

As a stand-alone I’m not left with much to take from the story -- though not a complaint.  I am torn as to how I should feel for these two -- at first I saw them as victims; though leaving Daddy in place at the table suggests they inhabit a far darker place...

I did wonder if there could be more understanding as to why the Arthur and co. were trying to get into the house.  An extreme prank?  Or darker motives?  Something here could feed into Arthur's response, which seems pretty calm for a guy who just saw his two friends blasted to death.  

Twisted fun.  Good stuff.

Steve

I thought this was well written and a really quick read (a good thing).

The only thing(s) that didn't work for me was the lack of a reason for the initial attack, and the fairly relaxed response from Arthur - he seemed pretty unfazed by it all.

But a little more work and this would be a nice one to see filmed

Anthony

Well written. I enjoyed the read but not the story.

Mimi refers to herself in the 3rd person. I'm not sure if that is a mistake or she's just a tripper.

There was no one I wanted to see come out on top by the end of it. I was well into it when they were knocking down the door but then she just killed them. It lost all the suspense you wrote so well in a matter of seconds.

Then it's just him running away. And please don't do that car not starting nonsense. Use a little more imagination.

The story was just as much about Arthur and his shit relationship as what it is about Ricky.

Introduce us to Ricky before shit hits the fan. Then maybe let us know why they're trying to kill her. Maybe she is a crazy bitch that has it coming but we only learn that at the end when we meet Arthur and his wife. Then we might want Arthur to prevail. Someone we want to see come out on top.

I'm no expert but the potential is definitely there.

All the best.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

@ Steven - This is actually a very short version of the feature I'm working on now, so a lot of Arthur's (the character has a different name in the feature length version) behavior is somewhat explained. He is, after all, a sociopath (his calmness after seeing his "friends" get blown away). And a psychopath. And a coward, preying on the weak and then running away once discovering that the "weak" is actually stronger than him and probably more psychotic than him. And, yes, we see just how psychotic the mother and her little girl are (kind of like a Devil's Rejects kind of vibe)... but a lot of it is "justified" in a way. There are qualities between mother and daughter that, I feel, people can identify with... it may seem that having these two as the story's heroes may be difficult considering they ARE borderline psychos, but I think I've found a way to make them a pair the audience can root for in a way.

@ Anthony - Yeah, I gotcha... the feature length goes more in depth. But still, I like the idea of having killers with no motives sometimes... it makes the people doing it seem even sicker and scarier. Especially when we find out that they're just regular people (like in the script). I'm HUGE into serial killers and a lot of them really had no motives outside of impulse. As for Arthur's lax behavior, see above.

@ BSaunders - Her real name isn't actually Mimi, but that's the only name we, the audience/reader, HEAR. I've had a few friends who would call they're mothers or grandmothers "mimi" during their adolescent years.

"It lost all the suspense you wrote so well in a matter of seconds" -- Well, it is a short film. And if I went the conventional route, it would just be another home invasion film. Either the victim dies fighting or fights back and prevails against her invaders. But I agree, maintaining the suspense for the whole story wouldn't hurt.

"And please don't do that car not starting nonsense. Use a little more imagination." -- I tried playing with a few horror tropes... it starts off like a standard home invasion film. But then the tables are turned. Usually, in horror films, it's the woman, the "victim", who is running away... she's the one who tries starting the car and it fails... she's the one trying to make a phone call but can't find a signal. I've never seen a horror film where the "masked man", the "Jason Voorhees" or "Leatherface", is the one struggling to start their car/tripping over a branch/can't find a cell phone signal, etc. So I kindly disagree with your "Use a little more imagination" comment. But I appreciate your opinion.

"Introduce us to Ricky before shit hits the fan. Then maybe let us know why they're trying to kill her. Maybe she is a crazy bitch that has it coming but we only learn that at the end when we meet Arthur and his wife. Then we might want Arthur to prevail. Someone we want to see come out on top." -- I tried making her someone to root for... I feel like (just my opinion) that an audience can root for her. Sure, the fact that she killed her husband (revealed) at the end kind of introduces us to a whole different side of her, but she was a victim of abuse (I do mention fresh bruises, strangle marks and scrapes at the beginning) and she ended up doing something about it. As for the introduction to Ricky... Ricky is the name of the gun she used.

Thanks again.

-- Michael

Michael,

Just some short thoughts.

I found this one a bit long.  The setup takes roughly 5 mins, and I don't see it lasting that long.  

then, we have the hunt down by Mimi.  I'm not sure why she would do this.  Of course, since daddy is dead in the kitchen, she can't call 911, so I suppose she has to do what she can.

The dialogue between Arthur and Rebecca seems unnecessary.  What do their marital issues have to do with this story?  It would be the same if she just rolled over and didn't wake up till the doorbell rang.

I'm no fan of coinicidence.  That Mimi can find the right car and the right house out of all the others around seems improbable.  That's me.  Yeah, she might recognize the license plate...maybe...but she shoots through the door without knowing who she is shooting.  For all she knows, someone else drove the station wagon since she never saw Arthur's face.  I know that's a nit, but for me, it's a big nit.  And she leaves Rebecca alive.  Not neat and clean.

Despite the late hour, mom and daughter eat cake when they get home.  I suspect this was put in to give an explanation for the RICKY on the shotgun and to show Daddy as already dead.  Doesn't work that well for me.  The dialogue could just as easily be added to the truck scene.  With Charlotte tucked in bed, you can have mimi drag dead dad out the back to add to the other two bodies she has to take care of.

I understand the draw of random violence.  I have no problem with three psychos picking out a remote house for some sick terror.  They don't need a reason which adds to the terror.  And I like the idea that they chose the house of someone more psycho than they are.  That works for me.

Best
Richard