First Mistake --- Last Mistake by Andrew Herlan - Drama - An FBI agent, his wife recently killed, chases down a seemingly psychotic killer who targets rapists, has the answers to an international conspiracy--and the key to the agent's demons. 134 pages - pdf, format 8)

Andrew,

Your logline is not horrible but can use a bit of cleanup. Use the biggest stake for the killer. Include why or how he must track him down in a certain amount of time or lose finding out about his wife.

Careful about opening your very first scene with a flashback. You have yet to establish when now is. Is it 15 yrs from today or 15 yrs from 2000?

A clip is a metal piece that holds bullets (usually for a ww2 era rifle) in line to be dropped into a gun. You mean magazine for most modern firearms. Gotta do the research.

Let's see if you show up to the boards and participate.

Tony

The title page is not to standard, any reader would reject that script based on the tittle page alone. Don't try to be a Taranintino, he gets away with breaking the rules becuase of the rep he has built up over many years. Just write as yourself.

Hello Andrew.

So is "MIAMI" supposed to be in a super?  It's in it's own line for some reason.

I wouldn't recommend starting off with a flashback seeing as it's the very beginning of your script.  I would just flash forward when the jump comes around the second time.

I think you mean pendejo instead of bendejo.

I'll stop there for now.  Hope you chime in.

-Johnny

Quoted from Patrick The title page is not to standard, any reader would reject that script based on the tittle page alone.

I don't believe that is true of all readers... I also don't believe that you can speak for all readers (in the professional sense of the word). What qualifies you to make this statement? Are you a god that is psychicly in touch with every single human being on the planet? If so, what am I thinking now?

Quoted from DustinBowcot Are you a god that is psychicly in touch with every single human being on the planet? If so, what am I thinking now?

You are thinking about having a few pints and shooting some stick (God voice used here) :)

Quoted from Patrick The title page is not to standard, any reader would reject that script based on the tittle page alone. Don't try to be a Taranintino, he gets away with breaking the rules becuase of the rep he has built up over many years. Just write as yourself.

Um, I'm not sure where you get your advice from, but it's extremely inaccurate. I would do a little research in the field of screenwriting and film. You sound like someone who is highly inexperienced trying very hard to sound liked a seasoned writer who has been through the trenches with producers.

The title page is fine. It has the title, the writer's name and contact info. That's all that's needed. The font of the title is fine as well.

If anything I'd focus on the mistakes in page 1.

To start with: a flashback. How can you lock in on a time period that's "15 months ago" when you haven't established what now is? Is it 15 months from 1981? 1943? Just start telling your story and then say: "15 months later"

Also, a clip is a metal bracket that holds about 5-10 rifle rounds. A magazine is a case which encloses bullets usually for a modern handgun or rifle. I think you mean magazine in your opening block.

Technical and nit, I know, but shows correct research. I personally know of several people who would turn off a movie or show if this stuff is not clear.

Quoted from spesh2k Um, I'm not sure where you get your advice from, but it's extremely inaccurate. I would do a little research in the field of screenwriting and film. You sound like someone who is highly inexperienced trying very hard to sound liked a seasoned writer who has been through the trenches with producers. The title page is fine. It has the title, the writer's name and contact info. That's all that's needed. The font of the title is fine as well.

Good post. I'll never understand this idea some seem to have that writers should write in a uniform fashion until they succeed, at which time they can suddenly start writing with their own style. That doesn't happen. The 1990 draft of Reservoir Dogs breaks "rules" on page one. It starts with a seven-line description followed by eleven pages of characters sitting in a pancake house arguing about Madonna and the tip. Tarantino didn't write one way, then succeed, then write another way. He succeeded because of the way he already wrote.

Rules or guidelines or format, call it what you want. A spec script by an unknown amateur writer yearns to be read by as many as possible in the hopes of finding the right person or group that can make a green light happen. Unfortunately, there is a firewall in place and there could be a reader who won't tolerate certain things (for reasons of their own,) so why take the chance and not follow the guidelines as much as possible? It's really not that hard.

It's like filing your taxes with the IRS, you must use a the proper format. You wouldn't scribble your tax numbers on a napkin and tell them, "here ya go. It's all there! Don't worry about me not using the proper format." Your punishment will be monitary. Why risk exposure for a script?

As far as the Tarantino argument, he was already an established director and writter years before Reservoir.

My point is that the writer of this script (I'm not sure if he is an active member or not) has a standard title page, regardless of the font. I highly doubt the title page would scare off any producers. And "Patrick" sounds like he's repeating something another misinformed, inexperienced writer told him.

There are rules and guidelines that are pretty standard. I'm a firm believer in the "rules" but I believe some rules can be broken as long as it's done well and not OVERDONE (e.g. the use of "we see", asides, camera directions, longer description/action paragraphs that exceed 4 lines, etc.) However, the title page is pretty standard and, in no way, do I get the feeling that the writer is trying to be unique, quirky or a wannabe Tarantino just by looking at the title page. It was a silly, misinformed comment.

As for Tarantino, he was somewhat of an established screenwriter before Reservoir Dogs with True Romance and I believe he sold Natural Born Killers before "Dogs". But "Dogs" was his directorial debut.

The main issue here is the writing, which needs work. And it's obvious from page 1.

Quoted Text EXT. HARBOR-NIGHT MIAMI INSERT: 15 MONTHS AGO Shadows and the flap-flap of the water.

Should be a space between the hyphen after HARBOR and before NIGHT. EXT. HARBOR - NIGHT

And how do we, the viewer, know we're in Miami? Film is a visual medium. Either show a landmark or a sign that reads "Miami". Or mention that in a title card --

EXT. HARBOR - NIGHT

SUPER: (or INSERT TITLE CARD:) Miami

No need to say 15 years ago. It's a much easier transition for the viewer/reader if you just open up the scene as is and when the scene ends, mention 15 MONTHS LATER... in a title card.

And why 15 months? Why not just say OVER A YEAR LATER? Not too much of a big deal, was just curious.

Your opening description is very weak. What does the "flap-flap" of water sound like? And all you mention is shadows. I, myself, believe that description should be brief, but there is no visual, here. Just "Shadows and the flap-flap of water" -- by the way, not to be a script Nazi or anything, but any non-human sounds should be CAPITALIZED. Such as FLAP-FLAP.

Quoted Text EXT. ROOFTOP A FIGURE, male, fills a clip with bullets, a couple of 9mms sit on the rusted roof of a heating duct. Finishes the load, slaps the clip into the gun, and holsters it. Picks the other one up and does the same. The sound of cracking wood catches the figure's attention. Head turns to a warehouse in the distance. A Mercedes pulls up to the building and stops. FOUR MEN climb out. The figure reaches for a long, black leather jacket and pulls it on.

This can and should be much tighter. Where is the sound of "cracking wood" coming from? Perhaps you mean creaking wood as the Mercedes pulls up, driving over the wood slats of the harbor/dock?

EXT. ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS

A pair of .9 MM handguns sit atop a rusted air duct.

A SHADOWY FIGURE, male but identity indiscernible, loads a few magazines. A SLIDING CLICK as he slaps the magazines into the firearms. Holsters them.

A LIGHT RUMBLING from the distance grabs his attention. Shadowy Figure turns to see --

HEADLIGHTS approaching a nearby warehouse. A MERCEDES pulls up. Parks. FOUR MEN climb out, cautiously surveying the area. Waiting.

Shadowy Figure slips into a black leather jacket and leaves.

Quoted Text EXT. WAREHOUSE One of the four men, AGUSTO PERRINO, a well-dressed Cuban man in his 50s. The other TWO GUARDS and an ASSISTANT. 10:11. Agusto looks up from his watch, impatient.

How do we know it's 10:11?

EXT. WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS

AGUSTO PERRINO (early fifties, well-dressed, Hispanic) waits by the Mercedes with TWO GUARDS (in their 30s, rough and tumble, physcially imposing) and an ASSISTANT (early 40s, Poindexter-type in a tight-fitting business suit and glasses).

Agusto takes a look at his watch -- 10:11.

Not saying it has to be like I wrote it, but what you have should be tighter and more visual.

Quoted from TonyDionisio If anything I'd focus on the mistakes in page 1. To start with: a flashback. How can you lock in on a time period that's "15 months ago" when you haven't established what now is? Is it 15 months from 1981? 1943? Just start telling your story and then say: "15 months later"

Tony - is that true? Isn't it just assumed to be 15 months prior to the present? Tons of scripts don't mention any specific time - i.e., unless we are told otherwise we assume it's the present and when I read something like the above, I just assume it's 15 months from the present.

Quoted from TonyDionisio As far as the Tarantino argument, he was already an established director and writter years before Reservoir.

Fine, read True Romance. Go further back and read My Best Friend's Birthday. His writing was essentially the same then as it is now. He didn't change the way he writes after success.

Quoted from TonyDionisio As far as the Tarantino argument, he was already an established director and writter years before Reservoir.

Not true. He'd only directed one unfinished 16mm film called My Best Friend's Birthday which was partially destroyed by a fire. He'd sold True Romance and written Dogs, but hardly what could be termed established.

The guy had shifted a script and made half a movie. Even I've done that. Erm, at a stretch.

R