Welcome to Whisperton -- Shhh! by Ben Feuer - Short, Comedy, Fantasy - In Whisperton, complete silence is the law of the land -- until one man receives a birthday gift that changes everything! 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Quoted from Don Welcome to Whisperton -- Shhh! by Ben Feuer - Short, Comedy, Fantasy - In Whisperton, complete silence is the law of the land -- until one man receives a birthday gift that changes everything! 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

I was pulled in by the title. Suggests a smart writer.


The below is too literal.

Code A silent, glistening wash of green. With an almost imperceptible hum, black spouts emerge. Suddenly, they spring into action, spurting water.

And not because of the way you may immediately think. It's only too literal because there are a lot of words that don't precisely describe the image you want to convey.

You must build each image correctly all at once, else the reader will go back and read it again. Then they will think, how was I supposed to know that 'A silent glistening wash of green' meant a garden lawn? Also, why describe the lawn as silent? You're trying way too hard.

Ben,

First, congrats on a an entertaining short.  I enjoyed it.  The idea of a silent town where noise is verboten intrigues me.  But, as with any work, I think you might improve it.  

Despite the town's best efforts, could they possibly rid themselves of birds, crickets, frogs, etc?  To to that, they would have to get rid of the grass and greenery, which might be a good idea, pushing these crazy people farther along the continuum of insanity.  So, I don't buy the 0 DB sign.  0 Human DB, maybe.

I don't know why the delivery service would be bound by the no silence policy, and even if they were, why not use an electrically powered truck?  The bicycle thing doesn't work for me.

I like that you find a way around the government's tyranny, but it comes as a deus ex machina.  There is no setup for Joseph and his handy-dandy wood working shop.  Not to mention, that he manages to to build a piano, a perfect piano in one night.  huh?  At 13?  If you want to sell this, you'll need some setup.  Now, if good Joseph had built some of those music boxes...well, that's a start.  

Best
Richard

Trying too hard is a common problem for aspiring screenplay writers. I think most are confused that they must impress the reader.

Unless you're writing for fun or practicing for another trade, write to sell. And to write to sell, you must know who your buyers are -- ya, unfortunately folks, they are the ones looking at your idea to see if they can make $ with it.

They THINK they're the smartest ones in the room cuz they have $ to spend on a concept. Give a concept to them.

As for this short... over written. Slow to read through the paragraphs. I have to stop and sort things out. What kinda dog is barking. And why is it on a plastic leash?

Some indications of time of day in slugs, sometimes not. Always put time of day unless we can't tell. This tells the readers or filmmakers lots of shit.

Pg. 2 -- EXT - VARIOUS, what does this mean?

Quoted Text Maurice glances around to make sure he’s not in trouble, then wheels it inside.

Does this mean he glances around something or around the hand truck? Just say - Marice checks his surroundings for danger, wheels the cart inside.

Quoted Text we see the switch is hard-wired to ‘vibrate’

What does this mean?

Quoted Text A PRIUS zips silently past the Whisperton sign, careful not to go over 15 mph so as not to engage the engine.

My woman has a Prius so I know what this means. Why is it important to your story?

Quoted Text The quiet sounds of nature -- the woods at night. Compared to Whisperton, it’s downright loud.

This is like stuff that directors inject into a script when they deem it necessary. I would stay away from it, especially in a short.

I mean, I kinda get the moral of the story, but really don't think it's worth telling. I like your writing style, just feel this is overly done. IMO, simplify this.

But, not badly written once you take the time to parse through things.

GL

Tony.

I like this idea Ben.  It seems similar to an Edward Scissorhands type town to me.  I enjoy those type of odd films. You categorized it as a comedy.  I didn't laugh once but I did enjoy it for the originality. It was slow to read like others here mentioned but once I got it figured out it got interesting.

I agree with Dustin regarding the same line.  I skipped it when I read it because I didn't know what it meant until now.

Like Tony I didn't understand 'Various.' I get it but I think there's a better way. Maybe to use more specfic sluglines. I had to struggle to figure out if all of the characters were in the same place or if everyone but Maurice was in a different house. I also didn't get why 3 bikes were hauling something. Because they don't make noise perhaps? Which explains the PRIUS diemma Tony didn't get.  The mayor has the hybrid vehicle and keeps it in a low gear as to not allow the non-electric part of the car to kick on and make noise, is this right? I am confused myself how Joseph got away with building things all this time without making noise?

It is a nice quirky story, not a comedy, with an ending people would enjoy I think.  I bet if you take the others' advice as mentioned here because they may be professionals, it would become really good.  I am not a professional. I'm guessing you are new at this like me. I did a rewrite of one of mine that appears in this same week's UNPRODUCED SCRIPTS, called Revived (formerly Mammina) if you'd like to check it out.  I took their advice to clean it up as well.

LOL, really interesting! I can relate to this script quite a bit - I'm a neurotic person who would sometimes like to murder all people creating any kind of noise! I liked the logline. I liked the name of the town. LOL, three pushbikes pulling a trailer - I thought that was hilarious! I like your writing style too!