The Memorial Visitor by The Memorial Visitor - Drama - Ten years ago, Colin killed himself.  Now, his cousin Darren is venturing to a hostile town for answers. 116 pages - pdf, format 8)

An interesting premise.

I read the first three or four.

SPOILERS AHEAD

They were scenarios that have been played out in dozens, if not hundreds of films. i.e., they typical boy bullied by the typical people in the typical fashion - right down to being locked in the locker.  And - of course the nerdy types are his allies and the jock types his enemies.

Take a fresh look at the opening - see if you can;t write something new - imaginative in terms of the boys situation. It would leave us for something later when you're protag goes on his journey. You obviously have some writing chops. But you are writing scenes that have been written dozens of times before with characters that we have seen as often - shake it up.

Hope this helps

I read up to page 20. Eldave1 hit the nail on the head. You need to use a new approach to the actual act of bullying.
The same applies to the scene where he commits suicide - the way you wrote it is a bit like you are describing a plum fall down from the tree. Surely he would be scared of death, the survival instinct could kick in and he would have to fight it etc.

page 16 - the whole page is very repetitive

DARREN
Mom, I need to know.
ALICE
It’s not going to be an easy read.

Very similar dialogue was a few pages earlier.


Despite all the issues, I really want to know what secrets was Colin and people around him hiding. I want to know what's in the letters.  So I may be back for more.

Try drawing your inspiration from everywhere but film. Draw from real people and events and you can't do much wrong. Copying film will look like what it is... copying film.