Based on the way the script is written. it's surprising you have a very good logline.
I'm having issues with the very first slug line (INT. PLANET CORBOR (LAB) - NIGHT)
I don't see the importance of mentioning the planet, maybe at a future point in this story but for now it isn't needed. In this scene there are no windows showing the exterior, the only thing close enough to it is the shot of Earth on screen. I would just leave that as INT. ALIEN LAB - NIGHT because the lab and aliens are the only thing we see in this scene.
The 3 paragraph description that follows is overwhelming, way too much description too soon and them wearing lab coats and T-shirts is a bit odd considering this is an alien planet we are on.
The screenplay for
Independence Day does a short sentence to describe the aliens - "For the first time we get a quick glance at these aliens, an odd hybrid creature with fluctuating skeletal structure."
In
Signs - There is a creature close to seven feet tall standing in the middle of the family room. It's powdery skin has taken on the shades, lines and colors of the family room so perfectly, it almost disappears.
Try and shorten these 3 paragraphs...for example
Quoted Text The lab is filled with ALIEN looking creatures. The alien looking creatures have human shaped bodies |
could be...
INT. ALIEN LAB - NIGHT
An other worldly lab filled with humanoid looking creatures, all of different hues, working busily.
3 tripe has already been briefed for the mission, so he should already know why he was selected, so it's really unnecessary for Kube to tell him why he has been chosen.
Quoted Text 3-stripe then begins to turn into ETHAN, the human |
How? Does purple smoke appear and he steps out as Ethan or does he slowly mutate into him?
He has a cube that can transform into a house with just water, but for his "plan for world domination" he uses a pen and paper?
No point in telling us what Marisa wears every now and then, and just use short brunette instead of shorter brunette, I don't know was shorter is supposed to mean here.
Where did Marisa come from anyways? Couldn't have seen 3-stripe/Ethan enter earth's atmosphere because all that happened was he hit the ground, no streak of fire, no shooting star like object. Adding her ridiculous questions, her willingness to just enter some strangers home in a deserted area doesn't make this part very believable.
How can an alien race know about simple things like coffee and appearance of homes and the rooms they have but not know that these houses don't grow from water and a small cube?
The smartest alien available and his idea for world domination is to make a building disappear? What kind of building was it, how big, there is no description of it at all.
Does the building just disappear like Ethan did? Are those people all dead or is the building just invisible like Ethan was?
Marisa never told Ethen her last name, so how did Ethan know to type it in?
You need to read some scripts to learn how to write screenplays, you over describe certain things and others you don't describe at all, makes for a tough read.
I suggest you mesh out the story a bit more too, I've only read 20 pages but I think it's safe to assume the rest is no better, I have no interest in the characters at all they seem too one dimensional to me.