Gun Start by Simon - Short - A young teenager is hired by a violent gangster to kill his own father. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Simon,

this is a complete little tale that I think you can improve.  The basic story is one of father-son poverty and rivalry.  When son falls under the spell of a local gangster, dad tries to save the day.  Now, I'm not convinced of the action.  Dad locks up the house, and the son can't figure a way out?  Hmmm  And then, the son, the second he finds the gun, is willing to shoot his own father.  I think you can do better.

The dialogue is a little bit too on the nose.  Dad and son would talk around things, wouldn't they?  especially difficult things?  People rarely dive in at first sight.  Let them thrust and parry for a bit.  Build up the anger and the momentum.

I of a faith that characters crying on screen does not translate into tears in the audience.  Alex might become a better character if he doesn't cry, if he's almost cold about this--until the end.  And if he's going to confront his father, let him confront.  He shows the money because he's proud of it.  He flaunts his newfound friendship.  He's moving out.  So, there.

And I think you have the opportunity for Potter to be much more clever.  He's been feeding lies and justifications to Alex for a while.  He's poisoned Alex, and Alex will toss out the poison in his dialogue with dad.  This should flabbergast dad.  

Last, why does Potter have to kill Alex?  Why would he want to?  And if he does, why not just shoot Alex then and there.  it's simple.  Alex killed his father and then committed suicide.  The evidence is overwhelming.  Just a thought.

best
Richard

Good logline.
Many sentences needs tidying up, for example on page 1 - 'Being as careful as he can to close it shut behind him. ' He carefully shuts it behind him.
'He holds on tight to a small bag.' He clutches a small bag.
'Seeing Alex his face drops, horrified.'  He spots Alex. His face drops.

Page 2 - INT. ALEX’S HOUSE - STAIRCASE - DAY
You don't need a new  slug line here, they are only moving around the house and there's no significant passage of time, so you can use mini slug  STAIRCASE. The same applies to INT. ALEX’S HOUSE - ALEX’S BEDROOM - DAY and at least one other.

I liked the twist when Alex's phone rings and Porter tells him to reach into the bag and kill his father. I didn't see it coming! The question I have is: Wouldn't Alex be able to feel the gun in that small bag as he was carrying it into the house? Perhaps make it a big bag, filled with some clothes etc, the gun wrapped in a jumper or similar.
Okay, we have an open ending. Alex is free now. But the police are certainly going to catch up with him...


I

I enjoyed this little story, but like Richard and Marcela have pointed out, there are a few things that can do with a little touching up. One thing that wasn't mentioned by them and that I felt was a bit odd was Jeff's interaction with Potter. Disliking this man as much as he does makes it a bit strange that he would invite Potter into his home. Personally I think it would be better to have this scene either just outside the house or even just out side his property. Besides, why would Potter need to go to his house if Alex has a phone?

I'm kind of interested to know what happens to Alex too after all this went down, having both Potter's men and the police eventually searching for him.

Simon,

There's an error in the first bit of dialogue and the second to last bit of dialogue. "Where are you been all night", should be where have you been all night and "To have to run" should be you have to run, might be (and probably is) more but that's all I saw.

As for the script, I saw the twist of Alex shooting his father coming, but I, like the rest didn't find it believable. I also think the story has no emotion in spite of Alex's tears.

Alex and Jeff's dialogue (especially, but in fact all dialogue) was boring and too straightforward, people rarely say what they mean directly, there's almost ALWAYS subtext (reading in between the lines).

Others might not agree with me, but I would cut out the violent scenes, too many writers use it as an easy out imo. It takes much more skill and is much more fulfilling when the main conflict is resolved by other means.