Influence - Print Topic

(1)
The way you say "this car is swerving crazy" feels weird because you don't really introduce the car before. You do say it in the scene header ("Stolen Car"), but I still feel it needs a mention in the action first. And it's also weird that you say the "horns of cars passing are clear signs." Does that mean we don't actually see the car swerving in and out of traffic and we only have the audio cue of horns to go off of? Just tell us what we see! It's easier and simpler! Ex: A car swerves in and out of busy city traffic as others honk at it.

(2)
Then you say "they" were tight "like Demaun and Kidd," but aren't you talking about Demaun and Kidd when you say "they?" So you'd say "they was tight like they are now." Maybe I'm missing something. I get their English is bad, but I don't think they'd say that.

(3)
Devon has a hanging line here with nothing in it.

(4)
In terms of a first sequence, I think you can stretch the tension a little more. You drop in this line that "These niggas don't know, but judging by the look in my brother's eye, they bout to become a target," but then nothing happens from that. I thought they were going to pull out guns or someting, but no one becomes a "target." And the way you say "these niggas don't know," it makes it seem like the narrator knew for sure somehting was goig to happen, but then nothing does. So you build this tension, and then it just disappears.

Same with this car chase. Are they being chased by the cops? But then you just show us the end of the chase when everything is safe and clear. Maybe it works better that way because you keep it short and get straight to the drama, but at the same time it feels like we're cut out of a car chase.

(5)
Is this Uptown clique (Slim, Kidd, Demaun) the same as the Uptown Gang (which you mention Lil Fatt is in)? Be consistent.

You say there is another fighter, but you don't capitalize him, then we have a speaking role go to Boxer #1. Once again, try to be consistent.

I like that Devon KOs him like that. Cool scene.

(7)
You do this thing where you say things like "this day in particular looks very hot as ...fanning themselves" or "it seems everyone are in their summer outfits" and even in the beginning on page 1 "is apparent that this is a busy time of day." And then later with Mocha: "is the only one who seems as if school is a priority." Just flat outright tell us instead of saying wishy-washy words like "it seems" or "it's apparent." I think it'd be even better if you take out those descriptions and let the reader figure it out on their own. Just tell us Mocha is the only one with books and we'll figure out that she cares more about school (though we probably wouldn't because she "doesn't give the bell any attention at all � which could be contradictory).

You should probably capitazlie PRINCIPAL BULLARD.

(8 )
This whole paragraph is a little weird. What does "sliding to opposite halls" mean? Is slide the best verb? What is an opposite hall? What do you mean "just one teacher behind him?" Are they walking into the classroom as he is?

You don't "pass" SATs and ACTs, right? You just get a score on them?

I can understand the kids speaking poorly, but why do all the adults do as well? It'd be better to have some variety, maybe?

Sometimes your lines are just really clunky: She goes back to her desk with a satisfied expression of their encounter. Can you just say "She smiles on her way back to her desk? "

(10)
This scene with the Principal is good. It really sets up the sort of arc that we might expect out of Demaun.

I feel like you need a small scene right after the one in the Principal's office. It might be weird to cut away so soon to Bullard going to his car. We need like a shot of Demaun leaving and getting mad or something.

I'll stop there for now. You need an actual logline about where the story is going in terms of plot. Maybe if I had an idea, I'd be more interested in going forward.